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2020.12.03 08:46 YoraeYaminonaka Big Instruction Post for Account Recovery

Big Instruction Post for Account Recovery
Hello everyone.
Some time ago, I had my account hacked and I went after to recover my account. Fortunately, I recovered my account and now I wrote this text to try to help you guys and show a "walkthrough" to contact miHoYo and try to recover your dear account. If someone wants to complement this post, feel free to comment.
Oh, and beforehand, if you want to see my misadventure to recover my account, here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/GenshinHacked/comments/k2broo/ar47_main_diluc_mona_player_hacked/
And for the petition, here you go: https://community.sumofus.org/petition/355e8d43-a70e-4cb6-8df2-04ad8237a0f5/?source=copy&fbclid=IwAR2mKIKHtEnxZ3nZSwUEqJqKb1CeUwHu3fI2Oo_6QwI8CvggndOTwYvxWHM

FIRST PART: Identifying the problem
  1. You'll know if your account is stolen/hacked if you cannot log-in and you see that you e-mail is "not registered".
This Screenshot were given by Tortle, he gave in Discord server!
Thanks for the image Tortle!

https://preview.redd.it/v1u3wq70ex261.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=6f7eb95e2c356271601664764322027048c4585a

2) Just to be sure, try to log-in your miHoYo account. Probably you cannot enter, seeing the same error as before.
Site: https://account.mihoyo.com/

Thanks for the image Eruru!

SECOND PART: The ways fo communicating miHoYo
  1. In those steps, you will learn how to contact miHoYo. There are two ways to do it, by e-mail and by Ticket.
1.1) Through e-mail: This one to me didn't worked, so I can't properly explain this part. First of all, you have to send an e-mail to one of those e-mails below. The list was copied from the Account Security Megathread: https://www.reddit.com/GenshinHacked/comments/k20rch/account_security_megathread/
I shall remeber that I didn't got reply from the e-mail way, but there were people from the offical Discord server that reported they replied pretty quickly.
Support Email (English): [email protected] Payment Issues (English): If you are having payment related issues, please email [email protected] English: [email protected]oyo.com Traditional Chinese: [email protected] French: [email protected] German: [email protected] Indonesian: [email protected] Japanese: [email protected] Korean: [email protected] Portuguese: [email protected] Russian: [email protected] Spanish: [email protected] Thai: [email protected] Vietnamese: [email protected] 

Other thing I want to tell you is about the automatic e-mails sent by the system: ["support__app__[email protected]](mailto:"supportapp[email protected])" and ["genshin_payment=[email protected]](mailto:"genshin_payment=[email protected])".
They are safe and confirmed by the Mods of the official Discord server. I know, they seem to be pretty fishy and strange, but they're official and the aihelp domain belongs to miHoYo. So, if you want to try contact them by e-mail, don't worry and send them the data you have.
They'll ask for those infos:
1.UID : xxxxxxxxx miHoYo Username : xxxx Nickname in game : xxxx Level of the game : ARxx Server : xxxx 2. The option that bound to this UID before Email address : xxxx Phone number : xxxx Other 3rd accounts (Facebook, Gmail etc.) : xxxx 3. Register date : yy/mm/dd City, Country : xxx, xxx Device : xxx 4. Device info of last log-in and location (If it not matching, no assistance) : xxxx 5. Date and timing of last log-in : yy/mm/dd at xx:xx a.m./p.m. 6. Usual location (city) of log-in : xxxx Usual devices : xxxx 7. Screenshot of All purchase, must have to include order number of payment, date and Packages that recently of purchased (If this account has been topped-up, then this piece of information is required, otherwise no assistance will be given) : 8. Game info that you own A. 5-star Characters (i.e. Jean Lv. 50) : xxxx Lv.xx B. 5-star weapons : xxxx 9. Other info that could be used as proof of the belonging of acct. : 

Even after sending them the information I had, I had no reply of them. That's why I went to the second way, the Ticket System.

1.2) The Ticket System: First of anything here, you'll need to create a new account. The first thing you'll need to do is make a account in the same server you had your lost account - and make sure you do this, because that's VERY IMPORTANT.
And worry not - you don't need to level up too much, just a little bit. When you reach AR2 (the time you reach your first Statue of Seven), you will unlock the Feedback button in your Paimon Menu.

https://preview.redd.it/9f8uoxk5ex261.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=bc3dc0b4133e9cfe20ee06aa5bc58e3cc5769c25
Unlocked in AR02
You can also go to AR5~6 to roll 10 in Wish.

2) Sending a Ticket properly: Once you click the "Feedback" button, your screen will be shifted to your Default Internet Navigator (PC) or will open a new screen in your cellphone (they're the same, don't worry) with this screen below.
Don't forget to verify your server! In the screenshot is the "America" server. If you're from Eropean or Asian server, shall be there the one you selected in the last step.

https://preview.redd.it/g75caf4bex261.png?width=576&format=png&auto=webp&s=b664b5886cefd295dadc920f4d28d9d154ab41f6

3) Next, click on the "+" in the bottom left.

https://preview.redd.it/utfrj9bxex261.png?width=576&format=png&auto=webp&s=3e66cc972619b599e396e461e39fc93632439312

In the following, click in "History".

https://preview.redd.it/js5f5hyxex261.png?width=576&format=png&auto=webp&s=9fd505d5357a73faa7b4b59265a2b1ac62a3f3b4

And in the new screen, click in "Contact CS".

https://preview.redd.it/jud0h6aeex261.png?width=576&format=png&auto=webp&s=55c9450338d0c99359e42b4498667c7fda4107fe

Now you shall have a new screen. Digit here the issue, you can copy the text I wrote, which is a simple and direct to tell them your issue.
Don't forget to upload your image from the Title Screen (the Very First part) to send them. When your message is all ready, click in the "Submit" button.
After this, you'll have to wait from 1~2 business days to them reply. Don't rush them, because there's a big influx of Tickets and this is making them take their time. If you don't receive any replies in the next 2 business days, you may send a Ticket again regarding the issue.
COPY/PASTE Hello miHoYo. My main account of UID XXXXXXXXX has been hacked/stolen and I need help to recover it. Could you guys lend me a hand in this issue, please? 

https://preview.redd.it/pllkrcf0fx261.png?width=576&format=png&auto=webp&s=6fa719e45d10b67150d378e55cc68e4435f4d4b9

3) Sending them the information: I have to note something VERY important in this - when you chose the server, you're bound to talk to the Costumer Support team of that region in specific and they'll be able to help only on that region. In other words, America CS, for example, cannot help you in issues of European nor Asian server.
Also, depending on the CS Team you get, you may have to send different informations of yours, but the general should be this:

It way too big

https://preview.redd.it/djr0bwzefx261.png?width=827&format=png&auto=webp&s=0fce391ed975467cabff61332c73a4e9e9bb19f4

https://preview.redd.it/p3g20giffx261.png?width=826&format=png&auto=webp&s=3cade66f2efbca8aa7656e3c540358af223b5d50

https://preview.redd.it/2jvsso7gfx261.png?width=827&format=png&auto=webp&s=14a1bad76f2964a9518df0a71eb0f46416c202c6
And quick remember: Send ALL OF THIS DATA IN A SINGLE TICKET IN THE ORDER THEY SENT YOU.
How to do this? Microsfot Word and Screenshot everything or do everything in any image editor. I'd recommend Word version because you can make a Google Docs document.
Also, remember to tell miHoYo to unlink any e-mail that is not yours.

4) Accessing the account: If you do everything right, in few days, you shall receive a Reply in the ticket saying something like this:
"To prevent that you lose your account again, we highly recommend you to link your e-mail, so, inform us the e-mail you use. When we finish analyzing this case, we'll link this E-mail to your account as a prevention."
So, send them your e-mail and ONCE AGAIN, ASK TO UNLINK ANY E-MAIL THAT IS NOT YOURS. Also, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND to send a brand new e-mail, and you'll see soon enough why.

5) After waiting more 2 or 3 days (I got in just one day), you shall receive another update in your Ticket, with an e-mail and password:

\"Dear Traveler, your password has been redefined as E-mail: XXXXXXXXXXXXX Password: XXXXXX. Note that we can only help you to redefine the password once. To avoid the same thing happens again, we suggest you link your account to an e-mail. Finally, don't forget to change your password!
Now, you need to verify that e-mail is yours. If not, you will be not able to change anything, despite being able to enter in your account. if the e-mail ends with 163.com, then it's certain that your account has been hacked and it's possible to change, just need to make miHoYo change it - probably the hacker won't enter again so soon. If is other person's account, that's WAY more frightening and worrisome because you may need to find that person and can be someone ill intended. Just remember if is one of those cases, you WON'T BE ABLE to unlink his e-mail from your account, even with 3rd party accounts linked to your account. You will need help from miHoYo to unlink it.
If you find that someone and send you brand new e-mail, two things can happen:
  1. He'll be a good person and will link your e-mail to your account, send you a password to enter miHoYo account and you can change it to anything you want; then congratulations, you recovered your account!
  2. The worst scenario: He'll be a bad person and steal that e-mail from you. But since it's a brand new e-mail, he won't have any data of yours, so you won't lose anything. If this happens, you can ask miHoYo for a refund of all what you bought and your account will be banned. That's sad, but better banned than in someone ill-intended; but hey, at least you got your money back!
If you have read my case, I had a BIG issue here. Because of this, I even recorded videos about the situation and this can be used as a proof of belonging of the account and, because I was on Discord server, someone who had contact with the owner of the e-mail linked to my account spoke with me and by this mean I've recovered my account - I just had a really big luck that person wasn't ill-intended.
Now, if the e-mail sent is yours, congratulations! You have recovered your account! But it's not over, let's procceed to the last part.

THIRD PART: Account Protection
In this part, we'll see about account protection. There's already a post about this, but I'm gonna give some extra tips to make sure you won't lose your account anymore.
  1. Use a brand new e-mail - your e-mail could be compromised if you used for a long time. You can see if your e-mail is compromised in this site: https://haveibeenpwned.com/
  2. Use a unique password. Even if your account have not been compromised, it's highly recommended to use a brand new password. Also, there's a typing limit for your password. Adapt everything and increase your security!
  3. Don't use password generators. Why? Because you can forget. Use combinations of Numbers and Words instead.
  4. Mark down in a physical note book your e-mail and password. Of everything. And when I mean everything, I mean your e-mail, password, miHoYo username, miHoYo account password, which 3rd parties you linked to, and even the name/nickname you used. This no one can steal from you!
  5. Ask for your friends for help! They can see if your account UID in UID search and confirm if had any changes.
  6. Take screenshots of your progress once in a while.
  7. Send your UID to your friends not by sending the number only, but the image of your card as a whole. This is also a proof for recovery if needed.
  8. Don't give up till the very last moment! ;3 Just a few hours before I recovered my account, someone told me "Give up. You have been hacked, can't be possible of recovery." and now I'm happy playing with account.
  9. Join Genshin Impact Official Server! Everyone there is exchanging information about every single trace of hacking and you can even encounter someone who may have your account.
  10. Cash a bit in the game, don't need to be a lot, just to be sure you have solid proof of belonging of the account.
  11. Avoid streaming and creating videos of Genshin Impact, unless you can hid your UID.
  12. Don't go in Multiplayer mode with unknown people. Just play solo or with your close friends.
  13. Always remember which server you are on. I tell this regarding my mentioned experience.
  14. Avoid of using 5-star character portrait in your character profile. This can attract some unwanted attention.
  15. Go slow and steady in the game, no need to rush, just go in your own pace. Not only to not attract unwanted attention but also to enjoy the game and respect your health.

FOURTH PART: Finale
This is the "Finale" of this text. Here I want to tell some other things.
First, the time needed of recovery is not fixed. I recovered in 9 days. Others recovered in around of 15 and others took a month to recover. Others have been fighting for a over a month and didn't made any progress in account recovery. All I wrote here is my pure experience with this issue and brainstormings in order to don't have the same mistake anymore.
The worst part of all this is to wait miHoYo's replies, but don't rush it. Also, don't worry about some holidays, the calender used by miHoYo is the chinese one and the CS attends using that calendar.
It's hard, but stay calm. Don't give up to despair nor don't let things get over you. While there is still hope, you can keep on fighting and we're here to help or at least to help you vent.
And I really hope you all can recover your accounts, my friends. I wish the best of luck to you guys and If I can help somehow, I'll gladly lend a hand.

Thanks for everyone who read all of this and hope my experiences can reach you, Lost Traveler.
submitted by YoraeYaminonaka to GenshinHacked [link] [comments]


2020.12.03 08:10 ddlcandcatlover My entire fricking digital diary bc i have nothing better to do

yknow, i feel like telling a secret to someone you dont know is easier than telling a secret than someone you DO know, so i thought, "why not post my entire fricking digital diary to the internet?" so i did! btw, i hope this fits. so if you have nothing better to do, why not read my diary? exactly! well, here goes nothing... *inhale*
November 23 Monday 2 am
My grandma got covid19. I'm really sad now. What if she dies? A lot of people died so far… oh that's right! I haven't written (or typed for that matter) in a diary for like, what, a year? Wow! Well, I might as well catch you up on things. So, there's the coronavirus aka covid19 aka covid. Covid19 actually stands for CoronaVirus Disease 2019. It's this virus that is super dangerous and you can get it super easily. And whoever gets it will get the following symptoms:
Fatigue
Coughing
Sneezing
Fever
Chills
Difficulty breathing
Diarrhea
Nausea
Vomiting
Sudden loss of taste or smell
Sore throat
Body aches
Headaches
And much much worse
Sounds really bad, doesn't it? Well it is. Now everyone has to wear a mask (except for Karens because of their “medical conditions”) and use hand sanitizer ALL THE FREAKING TIME. By the way, someone made this stupid virus, which means they will probably and most definitely go to Hell because of all the deaths they have caused. Boy or girl, I hate them.
Okay, anyway, more of the things that have happened. So I got my period and it absolutely SUCKS. Ya got cramps, PMS, and whenever you don't have it, you do have the constant fear of bleeding in your pants at any moment. Periods in a nutshell: death, blood, suffering, cramps, and fear. More tea, I'm learning Japanese! Konnichiwa! Hajimemashite. Watashi wa Carrie desu. Wa anata isha desu ka? Watashi wa janai kangaeru so! Douzo yoroshiku. Jaa mata! Haha, here's the translation:
Hello! Nice to meet you. I am Carrie. Are you a doctor? I didn't think so! Pleased to meet you. Goodbye! Hm. What else… Well I've started watching anime and it's pretty cool. I've seen Toradora and My Hero Academia so far. Except for the really weird sounds they make when they're surprised, scared or confused. Anime in a nutshell:
HDHGREBHSDHBSNBRTHBJTEBTJEHJBHBJBLRG???????????????????!
#TRUETHO
Actually I'm not even gonna transition anymore between topics, just randomly switch. Idk
I made some friends on instagram. Their names are rosemary_bunbun, strawberry_skies, shelbysspoopyworld, demonic_gay, and shanniii.x. They're pretty cool, but Shelbs and Lulu (demonic_gay) aren't talking to me or anyone else for some reason and it's been like a month, I'm starting to get worried about them. Anyway, I've gotten into Little Misfortune, DDLC, Fran Bow, and japanese culture. Let's dive into these topics one by one. So Little Misfortune is an 8-year-old girl with abusive parents that drink, smoke, and ignore her. She gets bullied and neglected. Now this may sound like one of those annoying OC’s that are like “oh pity me my parents are abusive and i get bullied plz love me” but no! There is much more to this. She goes through lots of misfortune, hence her name “Misfortune”. This also makes for some great comedic effect and story. In the beginning, we see Misfortune playing with her toys and talking to herself, with the narrator telling the player about Misfortune’s “misfortune”. He says that today is the day she will die, thus leading to Misfortune pointing out that she can hear him. She then gives him the name “Mr. Voice,” which is what I'll be calling him from now on. Mr. Voice says if she plays his game, she’ll get Eternal Happiness. There's also a part in the game that I'd like to point out. Around the middle of the game, Misfortune says her mom drinks “juice” to keep her inner demons away and asks if Mr. Voice is her inner demon. He says, “Me? A demon? Ha! No!” Suspicious, right? Well at the end of the game we find out that he is, indeed, a demon! Wowee! What a surprise! Well, actually, a lot of the gamers I've seen play Little Misfortune have immediately been suspicious of Mr. Voice. All of them actually, i think. I think it's the way he says certain things. Like when she approaches Benjamin's hiding hole, Mr. Voice says “Nothing bad will happen. Nothing bad at all…” in this really weird way. That's like, a HUGE giveaway!!! But there was this epic battle at the end of the game between Benjamin and Mr. Voice (aka Morgo). Misfortune has a crush on this fox that walks on two legs. She calls him Benjamin, and Mr. Voice makes it abundantly clear that he absolutely hates foxes. He even states himself “you could say i have… foxyphobia.” So i just looked it up, and the real name is alepouphobia. Anyway, back to the epic anime battle. Benjamin got this blue orb staff thing and it looks super awesome! He charges up his staff and throws it at the ground, then it emits a bunch of light and he defeats Morgo, but spares Misfortune. Then they get together and go to heaven because she discovers her body on the street, when she crossed it at the beginning. There, she finds her crying mother and a police officer. Benjamin spawns a portal with his staff and they go off to heaven. Yknow, I just realized how much I’ve been talking about Little Misfortune… but I have one more thing to say. There are two endings: the neutral ending, where you're left on a cliffhanger with no sequel, which is very frustrating. But with the second ending, the good ending, the camera pans to the tree that collected all your sparkles. You need to get all the sparkles if you want the good ending. Once you do, a ball of light collects all the sparkles and flies away. The camera pans back down to earth, and you see her crying mother. The police officer walks away, and the ball of light flies into view. The ball goes into her heart, and she takes off the mask that she's been wearing for the whole game. She smiles and looks up into the sky, then the credits roll. Many gamers sadly completely miss the point of this ending and interpret it as her mother being happy that she's dead, which is TOTALLY the opposite! It's not that she's happy that her daughter died, she's happy because she realized her daughter is in a better place and she’ll see her again one day. Ok i'll talk about DDLC tomorrow.
November 25 Wednesday 4 pm
We didn't do much today… Anyway, DDLC (Doki Doki Literature Club) is a game that seems like a cute, innocent, first person dating simulator, but really, once you play the game, it's like you're a whole new person. It changes you. The premise of the game is your childhood friend, Sayori, convinces you to join her club, the Literature club. The other members are Yuri, Natsuki, and the club president, Monika. Yuri is a very smart, shy girl with some “back problems” (i wonder why...) and loves writing poems. She loves reading books and talking about literature. Also, (BIG SPOILERS) she cuts her left arm. She dies by stabbing herself out of excitement or devastation depending on the player’s reaction to her confession of being obsessed with the player, but still getting the same result. She stabs herself in the stomach twice, and her heart once, thus ending her life. Natsuki is an angsty tsundere who loves baking and reading manga, but she has an abusive father who beats and starves her. Sayori has depression and dies first by hanging herself. This all sounds incredibly tragic and I cried not out of sadness, but out of the bittersweet ending. Monika sings this adorable song in the credits, and it makes me cry every time :’( sad boi )’:
November 27 Friday 1 am
So i guess i'll be writing here every two days now :/ sorry i got tired of writing yesterday...
Anyway, I'm getting into the Undertale fandom, and i found this rap called “Way Deeper Down” and it is just SO. GOOD. i cannot stop humming to it!!!! You may be asking, “wait, you can hum to a rap?” and yes, I actually can. It's like just humming the same note, but adding a little, yknow, pazazz. Like adding some of the background music into it. There's also the chorus which you can absolutely hum! And when Sans says “humorous” and “hubris”. Also, I think I have a crush on Papyrus… I know it's weird but he's just… so… I don't know. I just like him. I'm definitely making fanart of him and Sans. but I think I like San’s lines better. I'm gonna write some of his lines from memory:
They call me sans, I'm the serif of these parts
I'm just kiddin’, I work at a grease cart, grillin’ up hot dogs to genocidal toddlers
You can run, but I’ll know if you restart
If you want a bad time, you've come to the right place
Just look into my eye, see my funny typeface
I'm quite a nice guy, but if you pick a fight,
I'll hunt you down through time and space
Can you blame me for feeling a little hubris
Of my fame for making things a little humorous?
That's all I can remember for now. Here are the actual lyrics:
They call me sans, I'm the serif of these parts
Nah, just kiddin’, I work on a grease cart, grillin’ up hot dogs to genocidal toddlers
You could run, but I'll know if you restart
You want a bad time, then you’re in the right place
Just look into my eye, see my funny typeface
I'm really quite a nice guy, but if you pick a fight,
I'll hunt you all your life through time and space
Can you blame me if i feel a little hubris
For my fame for making things a little humorous?
Anyway, please check out the song/rap, here's the link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdtAsaBqHBg
By Stupendium
I'm gonna make fanart now
November 29 Sunday 9 am
Hoi I’m Tem!
Haha just kidding I'm not Tem, but it's an UnderTale reference. Got my period… again.. -_- ive started getting into undertale and watching jacksepticeye play it. I'm on episode 4 now! Each episode is about an hour long so i've watched about 4 hours of juicy, juicy gameplay. How juicy! I've memorized the entire first section of Way Deeper Down. wanna see? This is all from memory:
They call me Sans, i'm the serif of these parts
Nah just kiddin’, i work on a grease cart
Grillin’ up hot dogs to genocidal toddlers
You can run, but i'll know if you restart
If you want a bad time, then you're in the right place
Just look into my eye, see my funny typeface
I'm really quite a nice guy but if you pick a fight, ill hunt you all your life through time and space
Can you blame me?
If i feel a little hubris
For my fame for making things a little humorous
I can tickle your bones to the tibia toes
Well unless your my bro, jokes flow over his head
Sans, who's there, you ridiculous scamp?
No-one, it's just an inconspicuous lamp!
If you ever meet a skeleton in towels and some wellingtons, just humour him and let him win and think that he's a champ
I bet you think you've never met a skeleton
Well I bet you Mettaton!
They just had a bunch of gooey melanin and flesh upon
But never one was in the upper echelon of clever puns
That'll make you laugh or cry depending on the run you set upon
Pretty impressive, eh? (pronounced as the letter “a”) and i've memorized even more than that! But i don't wanna waste your time… wait, you actually wanna see? Okay, fine…
...that'll make you laugh or cry depending on the run you set upon
We’re spooky, scary, sending shivers down your spine
You best prepare for a hilariously bad time!
Every human one day, ends up six feet underground
But you're heading for a grave that's buried way, way deeper down
Nyah, a human! Call the guards!
Wait a minute… that's my job
To capture and nab you won't be hard
This maze is made with ELECTRIC CHARGE!
Wait, how did you get this far?
It took three weeks to make this part
I genuinely didn't expect this, darn
How did you correctly GUESS THIS PATH?!
December 1 Tuesday 6 am
Sorry i didn't finish
I fell asleep and then I woke up and idk what else to do other than binge youtube, so here we are. So I finished Undertale, and it. Was. AMAZING. I cried over the genocide ending where you kill everyone and the survivors become afraid of you. Even Flowey, your worst enemy, runs away in fear, crying. Then you meet Chara, and the biggest question of the entire genocide route, “do you want to erase the world?” with the options “erase” and “do not”. You can do this with all the power you gained. All the souls you collected. YOU are literally a GOD. you have the power of a god. If you choose to erase, the whole game literally resets, and you can't bring it back. That IS the end. Unless you pick the pacifist or neutral route, that is the genocide ending. In genocide, alphys evacuates everyone from the underground. The saddest part, when you encounter papyrus, he still trusts you, after all you did. But after the second to last hit, you have the choice to spare papyrus. But if you spared him, you wouldnt get the genocide ending, would you? The genocide route is very sad. I cried when you had to kill sans. He was so nice, and he tried so hard to stop you. What made me cry was when he was leaving to go to Grillby’s he said “Papyrus, do you want anything?” he didn't know papyrus was dead yet… then, just after that line, you hear the sound of his soul turning to dust. You collect his soul, and move on. I cried so hard. It's depressing, killing all the characters you know and love.
My hands hurt. Bye.
DECEMBER 3 THURSDAY 12 AM
OH MY GOD THERE'S GOING TO BE AN ACTUAL UNDERTALE MOVIE WTF AND ITS BEING MADE BY DISNEY THIS IS NOT A JOKE THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD WTF IS GOING ON
THIS. IS. NOT. A. JOKE. OMG THERE'S GONNA BE REGINA KING AND FREAKING KRISTEN SCHALL AND MORE FAMOUS PEOPLE WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICK??!!!!
HOW IS THIS REAL???!!!!! I AM NOT JOKING, LOOK IT UP!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW WHAT IS GOING ON I HOPE THIS ISN'T A DREAM HOLY SHI--
Okay i need to calm down
I'm still EXTREMELY excited but what if it's a troll?? No. that wouldn't be right. That wouldn't be possible. But what if it's real but it's getting canceled or something? I really hope not. Okay i need to find some REAL proof… im finding the trailer
Wait so it's all just a HOAX?!!!
THAT IS SO WRONG. THAT'S IT. IM DONE. I'M GOING ON A RAMPAGE. I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS, I'M GOING. ON. A. RAMPAGE. BRB.
Ok just got all that out. Might as well wait for a response and regret it later… anyway, i've decided that if no one else is making an undertale movie, im making it myself. (frickin jerks making me do all this myself…) so, as soon as my art is as good as I want it to be, I'm ready. Also, i'm going to need to get used to drawing and animating digitally, so as soon as i get an iPad for Christmas, I'm practicing. I'm also going to make a different animation for each. And every. Single. Ending. That's right. Im doing neutral, pacifist, AND genocide. And NO ONE IS GOING TO STOP ME. I'M DOING IT! YEAH! WOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YEAH BABY! TIME TO START PLANNING, BABY. WOO!

well, thats it.and if you made it this far, i just wanna say, thanks. thanks for reading all of this :)
you must be a really nice person
or you just have nothing better to do idfk
anyway thanks for reading bye
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2020.12.03 08:03 TechExpert11 How to sell used underwear?

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Top 10 Results

1.How to sell used underwear?
The Ultimate Guide To Selling Your Used Panties Online. If you’re brand new to this work but ready to learn everything you need to know about the inner and outer workings of a Global Panty Selling Empire then this is for you. What’s more, you can get set up TODAY, to start making money from your panties (and more)…
https://pantysellingschool.com/ultimate-guide/
2.How to sell used underwear?
After jazzing up your profile, all you have to do is set a price to sell your knickers and wait for a buyer to become interested. PantyDeal advises that, when setting a price, you consider the type of underwear you’re selling, the length of time they have been worn and any number of unique, personal selling points that make your knickers exclusive to you.
https://www.moneymagpie.com/make-money/weird-ways-to-make-money-sell-your-knickers
3.How to sell used underwear?
SELLING USED UNDERWEAR PROS & CONS. PROS . Flexibility: You can work from anywhere anytime in this job.You can even work from home fully or any other remote location.. Easy: This is a very easy job which can be done by anyone even people without any technical expertise and lots of experience in this business.. Anonymity: This is an online job where you do not have to reveal your real face …
https://www.sproutmentor.com/used-underwear-sell-used-panties/
4.How to sell used underwear?
Sell used underwear: first steps to start. When you learn how to sell your used underwear online you can use your time to create your first ad. Surprisingly, it works pretty much the same as selling iPhone cases on ebay… Take some pictures, create an attractive description and attractive profile.
https://taxtwerk.com/how-to-sell-your-used-underwear-online/
5.How to sell used underwear?
Selling used underwear online is a lucrative way to make money passively or full-time. In fact, a lot of adult performers are using this trade as a side hustle and opportunity to build a connection with their fans. If you know the proper way to market your “goods”, the sales could be lucrative.
https://merryformoney.com/sell-used-underwea
6.How to sell used underwear?
There’s even a demand from women for dirty men’s underpants, and you’d be surprised how many fetishes there are within the underwear-selling market. Whether your erotic poison is a pregnant woman’s bloomers or the tattered old high school boxer shorts of some musclebound Danish dude, you can find it somewhere on the Internet.
https://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1480-5-things-i-learned-selling-my-used-panties-internet.html
7.How to sell used underwear?
A friend of min used to work in the offices of the most downloaded woman on the net, tech support mainly, but if pantie orders backed up all the office staff would have to spend the day rubbing …
https://jezebel.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-selling-your-panties-1566708653
8.How to sell used underwear?
The next evening, I put an ad to sell my underwear on the internet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m used to sexually exploiting myself for money. I’m definitely not. So there was some sort of internal struggle that I had prior to creating the add in general.
https://postgradproblems.com/what-to-expect-when-you-sell-your-used-underwear-on-craigslist/
9.How to sell used underwear?
Panty Trust is one of the sites where people can buy and sell used underwear, as well as other fetish items such as socks or tights. They have around 1,600 members (although not all of them are …
https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/02/spoke-women-sell-used-underwear-see-lucrative-seems-7736214/
10.How to sell used underwear?
Selling her used underwear on Craigslist. As for most students, she tells Glamour in her Honest Accounts video, her income is a hodgepodge of side gigs—waitressing, working retail, dog walking …
https://www.glamour.com/story/i-make-dollar1700-a-month-selling-my-used-underwear-on-craigslist

News results

1.Gemma Collins ‘repulsed’ as she reveals fans ask for her used underwear
Gemma Collins has revealed that fans ask her for her used underwear, and that she’s “absolutely repulsed” by the idea. Click here for more.
https://www.entertainmentdaily.co.uk/tv/gemma-collins-repulsed-as-she-reveals-fans-ask-for-her-used-underwea
Published Date: 2020-11-26T17:48:00.0000000Z
2.Gemma Collins ‘contacted police’ over death threats and requests for used underwear
The reality star, 39, revealed she has been sent death threats and requests for her used underwear by ‘obsessed’ fans
https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/gemma-collins-contacted-police-over-23067183
Published Date: 2020-11-25T14:57:00.0000000Z
3.Gemma Collins had to call police over ‘death threats’
Gemma Collins has told how she was forced to call the police over concerning ‘death threats’ and bizarre requests from crazed fans.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-8986635/Gemma-Collins-call-police-death-threats.html
Published Date: 2020-11-25T16:41:00.0000000Z
4.Gemma Collins receives requests for her used underwear
“They’ll comment on my social platforms if I’m selling stuff they ask me for underwear – worn, used underwear. I think it’s absolutely repulsive. Disgusting.” Rather than being offended by the requests, Gemma takes it all in her stride. “I just laugh it off.
https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/gemma-collins-receives-requests-for-her-used-underweaar-BB1bnB1F
Published Date: 2020-11-26T09:00:00.0000000Z
5.Mortified bloke gets pranked with parcel of dirty knickers ‘to sniff’ in the post… but his wife didn’t see funny side
A MORTIFIED bloke has revealed the embarrassing package he received from an anonymous prankster in the post – but his wife definitely didn’t see the funny side. Taking to TikTok to
https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/13354405/mortified-bloke-gets-pranked-with-parcel-of-dirty-knickers-to-sniff-in-the-post-but-his-wife-didnt-see-funny-side/
Published Date: 2020-12-01T21:32:00.0000000Z

BING based on video search results

1 How I package and sell panties make money selling your dirty pantiesSelling your panties is not an easy job it takes a lot of hard work, dedication, commitment and consistency but once you get a good following and good product that’s when things start to go well. People expect to start doing this and make quick money right away but that’s not how it works just upload your panties every single day and be …Watch Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ls_0gvHkdFg

Wikipedia based search results

1.Underwear fetishism
Underwear fetishism is a sexual fetishism relating to undergarments, and refers to preoccupation with the sexual excitement of certain types of underwear…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Underwear fetishism
2.Shawn Mendes
"Shawn Mendes Strips Down to His Underwear for Calvin Klein Campaign". Billboard. Retrieved February 17, 2019. "Shawn Mendes to Launch SmileDirectClub Partnership…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shawn Mendes
3.Burusera
shops or using mobile phone sites to sell directly to clients. In August 1994, a burusera shop manager who made a schoolgirl sell her used underwear was arrested…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burusera
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2020.12.03 04:47 i_dunno3881 This is my first one but I just really need to feel like I’m not alone..this is also my first post. This is also pretty long because it’s my life so don’t feel obligated to read!! Also TW too!!

I am a 20F and I’m sorry if this is really bad I’m new to this. But I watch a lot of Reddit podcast and I read a lot on here. But on to my story. I had a pretty hard childhood. My bio mom is a drug addict and my bio dad is both a dealer and an addict. They were married whenever I was first born but divorced when I was around 1 because bio dad went to prison and my bio mom never truly cared for him. My bio mom then went to my step dad and had my baby brother and sister. We had a hard life then but it wasn’t too terrible. I didn’t get what a lot of kids had but to me I didn’t even know what to want. My step dad is a diagnosed narcissist and also has a past of drugs. And soon they began fighting over that. I don’t think my step dad ever hit me on purpose but he was cruel to me. Not too bad!!! Just very nasty taunts and never really made it up in the caring department. But he did abuse my bio mom. Hitting, choking, and manipulating her. My bio dad isn’t really in the picture. He would be in and out of prison and whenever I did see him he would get me in trouble by feeding me taunts to tell my step dad how he’s not my father and blood is always better and stuff like that. Soon they decided to split. My siblings and I would spend a week there and then a week here stuff like that. Which is really ok except I had to take on the mom role wherever we went. My bio mom ultimately gave up really and dove deeper into drugs and I had to take care of them both as a caregiver and a mom. I would clean, cook, and raise them since my step dad really didn’t care unless he had a girlfriend over he wanted to show off too. Then a big car wreck happened. My bio moms sister died, my bio mom was mainly burned and shattered her knee. My sister (4 at the time) only had a cut on her forehead and a broken leg. My brother who was 2 was hurt the most. He has broken legs fractured neck bones and burns all over his body. Those weeks after that was bad. My mother became more and more dependent on drugs while my step dad spent more and more time at work. So I had to deal with a 4 year old who couldn’t walk properly and a screaming two year old who was in a body cast and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t walk anymore all within a dirty house that had no ac in one of the hottest states in the summer. I had really bad nightmares during this time, enough to where I would kick out windows and thrash around. My step dad then met my step mom. She was very nice, grew up very country and had a loving household where the worst she had to deal with was her dad divorcing her mom whenever she was two. Soon they fell in love. It was always kind of weird because my step dad changed himself to fit her. This was the man who listened to papa roach and had an 82’ camero that he would wash and wax every Saturday no matter what. Now he was this man who watched friends (her favorite show) and listened to country (although he always said that country made him remember his mom who kind of abused and neglected him and swore to me he would never like it) Then they decided to move in and get married. At first my step mom was very kind and I didn’t really care either way as long as I could be a kid finally. But soon it became apparent that me and her was not the same. I was 10 around this time and I was little bit of a nerdy shy kid but she wanted me to cut my hair and dress me up and stuff like that. She even begged me everyday to get my ear pierced for a month until I finally gave in. And then get mad when they ended up really hurting me and I just took them out. And proceeded to pierce my ear herself which caused me to have very damaged earlobes. (Not too bad just I can’t wear dangly earrings or heavy ones because there would be a giant hole and it kind of embarrassed me) My step parents gained custody of me because my mom did drugs a lot and couldn’t keep clean. So we all lived together in a middle class house and it was really nice. But they were never around. We were left with a nanny who I love her but she is a god fearing woman and doesn’t do much of cuddling and loving. We never really saw my parents and they never really paid attention to us. I was always uncomfortable but never acted out because it was all so quick to me. First they would say I don’t have to call her mom. But whenever I didn’t I would get in trouble and get no food for a week so I gave in. She would spank my brother and sister and berate them if we kissed and hugged (nothing weird!! Just on the cheek) she would yell at us if the kids slept in my bed because that’s what’s they’ve always done. But would turn around and say that I am the older sister and I must do all the chores (which really wasn’t a big deal) and protect them and that was my duty. So my life went on like that for awhile. I never had any friends and always stayed quiet and always made A’s because if I didn’t I would have punishments like food taken away or privileges. My one birthday I had with her she gave it to my sister because I wasn’t appreciating it enough. Then they decided to move when I was 12. We went up to her state in the country but there wasn’t enough jobs so me, my siblings, and her moved down while my step dad stayed up there “because it really helped him” we will find out later he met a lady friend named Lindsey. So for a couple months we stayed with my step dads mom which was awful. She is a very Native American woman (which she is still white but she takes that heritage part of her very seriously but I don’t know if that cultural appropriation??? I just wanted to explain how she is) she doesn’t have a heat system and so no heater or hot showers. She wasn’t very loving either (now she’s a little bit better because my uncle died going to my birthday party and that was her baby and I guess it made her realize how short life is??) I remember as a kid I hated beans but I knew the rules. You don’t like it you don’t eat at all. So I didn’t. I didn’t cause a fuss I just got up and put my plate down. She proceeded to throw the plate at me while yelling I was entitled and such. But she also hated my step mom much more. And so my step mom was always at work. Here I got a phone when I was 13 but I could only text her so no games no internet no friends. I also went to a very Hispanic and African American school and was picked on and got into fights a lot because my brother and sister would also get picked on and I would defend them. Nothing is wrong and I don’t hold on to any anger toward anyone!! They were just kids and we to be fair was very easy targets. My step mom would come home after 11 or 12 after drinking all afternoon at a local bar but would get mad if I made any food for us. But she wouldn’t cook dinner so most of the time I would sneak my free lunch from school to give to my brother and sister to let them have dinner. My grandmother soon got tired of her and kicked us out. There we moved into a trailer park home (??) and there it was really bad for us. My step mom knew why my step father was still away and began drinking herself to close to death. She would come home after work around 3 and buy a 36 pack and drink it at a neighbors until 1 am until she finally came back to yell at me for making dinner. She always began berating me about my weight. ( I KNOW I’m not totally fat but I’m a little bit thicker than my siblings but I think she was taking her weight out on me because my step father would mock her) then came a time where she spanked my brother over something he couldn’t control (his frequent bed wetting) and when I wouldn’t talk to her for a week she said that I must tell her what was wrong or I will be “beat until there was nothing left” so word for word I told her “I think you’re a little too strict” well she walked off (and by this time my step dad came back but he was never around because he worked nights and spent most of the day at Lisa’s or Lindsey’s. Well they both decided to take away my family privileges so that meant 1)no seconds or extras on food 2) no talking or touching my siblings or pets 3) I had to sleep with one pillow and a sheet 4) I had seven pairs of clothes and had to pay to wash them. But as I had no money I could never wash them and 5) any spare time I had to do chores. No fun time for me. No relaxing either. During this I realized now I had frequent panic attacks where I would crawl under my bed and hyperventilate until I pass out and do it over and over again until I stayed asleep. She also took my stuffed animal I had gotten when my mother kidnapped us when I was 8. That thing is my life saver. His name is big bear and I love him very much. When I cried whenever she took him away she told me it was just a worthless stuffed animal and I need to stop being a pssy. This went on until we moved again to a nice place in the country. Where they totally forgot about everything and acted like it never happened. One good thing tho my stuff was already packed they said. I actually made somewhat friends and one in particular. Her name was Ashley. She also had a bad life but where I was shy and timid she lashed out. She would call cps on her mother for drug abuse and such. Well during this time I was still going through lots of bad stuff. Still punishments was harsh. If I broke a glass when I was doing dishes I missed supper for that day. If they thought I “took” food (I didn’t I was anorexic then now I know what it was) I again had my food or privileges taken away. I still had clothes I’ve had when I was 9 and wasn’t given anymore. My brother and sister was treated very significantly different and to family my only duty in life was to make sure they were ok. I soon began cutting myself after I showed them a report card to sign where I had all A’s in honor classes but nothing was said until my sister got a C in English and they acted like it was a god given miracle. (I hold no resentment to my siblings!! My sister had it rough to because she was always supposed to be perfect because she was Daddy’s little girl and no one cared about my baby brother because my step dad never wanted a boy and my step mom doesn’t really like young kids she likes babies) so I began cutting myself. Bad. I was 14 and just now my scars are barely visible. I was so numb. My step mother would yell at me all the time because I wouldn’t cry after they do things to me like cuss me out or call me an emotionaless monster and she has given up on me and I’d better hope god takes pity. I remember I went into the garage to grab some books and I found an erotic novel. I didn’t know it was that at the time and thought it was a romance novel. When I began reading it that night I soon realized that kissing wasnt all that they were doing. I got afraid and threw it in mine and my sister closet to take of in the morning. I soon forgot and that day my parents found it while looking through my stuff. I was only allowed to do track at this time and so at a home game the coaches threw me into the 800 dash when I never did it before (I was more of a 400) and I burnt out. I was dehydrated and malnutritioned and so the trainer sat me down after words and was taking care of me because I was close to passing out and kept throwing up. My parents came by and I was so happy because none of them ever came to my stuff. At all. But nope they dragged me away without telling anyone except the trainer who was begging them not to because I may have to go to the hospital. They just told her I was being a child and needed to buck up and was afraid of the punishment. Now at this point I had no idea what was wrong I just kept drifting off. My step dad tossed me into the back of the truck because I wouldn’t throw up in my dads new truck. Whenever we got there my step dad took me into the room and told me about finding out the book. I didn’t realize what was wrong and told them my story. He proceeded to tell me I was lying because my step mom never had that book. (I guess the box I pointed to where I found the book was my step moms old college stuff that she previously said I could borrow any of the books) he then told me I needed a spanking. I told him no because in all of my life I always took the blame but for this time I wasn’t gonna take it for something I didn’t even know what I did. Well that was the wrong answer and he proceeded to hit me everywhere with a bored he found while he was at a hotel with Lindsey that was a....ya know. Naughty board with white junk and crude names everywhere. He turned it into a spanking board with the words “gonna learn today” it usually never hurt but whenever you get smacked in the face with it that sucker had a punch. And when I crawled away and hid under my bed he dragged me by my hair and told me I needed to take this as a woman while dangling by my hair. Afterwards I also had to apologize to my family because I was crying and screaming so much I scared my brother and sister. My punishment was I had to sleep in the laundry room, with a 3 foot by 3 foot shawl and no food. And after I did my chores I had to sit outside in my tank top and booty shorts since I wanted to be a whre. No matter the weather. This happened in January all the way to March. Soon Ashley began to notice and she called cps on my family. I didn’t know until the cps came to my school and asked to tell me what was going on. I told them everything. But whenever the state came by...all they said that my family had money and the best they could do was suggest that they put a mattress in the laundry room. And left. And my step dad did that. After throwing it at me and told me to do it myself if I wanted to tattle tell. I kept cutting myself and cps came by for a check up and I guess told my parents that I needed to go to a hospital. So I came home from school to my dad telling me to get in the car. Nothing else. I really felt he was going to kill me or leave me somewhere. And whenever we arrived the ladies made me undress and search my body and I had no idea where I was because I never knew there was a place like this. All while my dad stood out there not saying anything just staring at me. And whenever it was time to say goodbye he walked away. Nothing. That month there was honestly the most care free time of my life. I didn’t have to ask for seconds. I could just get it. There was so many options!!!! I had sugary cereal and waffles and pasta!!!! I could watch tv!!! I had girls there who got me. But after a week my parents didn’t drop by to give me homework or clothes so girls there would give me their old hand me down. And i was so excited!! Because these clothes sure had a tear in the crotch and some buttons didn’t work or it was a little tight but!! It was skinny jeans!! And skirts!! That was black or gray!! And not pink!! And rock bands shirts that I love. I also found out I’m bi there too ;) And truthfully the therapist there didn’t believe me when I told them everything but whenever it came to the family conference at the end of my stay they couldn’t even be bothered to show up and called an hour after and yelled at me why I had very little clothes and I MUST be giving them to Ashely because I was going to run away (I literally wasn’t. I would never leave my brother and sister and if I was gonna run away anywhere it definitely wouldn’t be to Ashley. She’s crazier than I am. I just had that little of clothes. And they berated me and called me names and told me I should never come back. I remember the therapist face when she just looked at me and asked me to leave. But alas my heaven could not last forever. My step mom came to pick me up and while families were loving on their kids who they haven’t seen she told me to sit away from her while she signed paperwork. Then the entire car ride she yelled at me for destroying this family and I must have stolen these clothes and I was ruining my brother and sister. Whenever we got home she forced me to undress and tossed a loose shirt to me and told me I couldn’t be trusted to wear clothes. So I had to wear that. Life went on and I slowly got my clothes back but then disaster hits. My step mom was now broke as hell from supporting my dad through four different college majors and he wanted a divorce. We had no say. It was told to us the day we moved out. We could only pack a bag and leave. We then moved to a smaller more townish area (idk how to spell the s words my mind is blank) and it was just like how I was little except my step dad moved directly into his girlfriends house because he had no credit. So while they had sex IN THE LIVING ROOM AT 4 OCLOCK I had to cook dinner clean take care of my brother and sister and her naughty kid. (He’s really not bad but damn was he naughty) I grew more and more depressed started binge eating a lot. I would wake up at 4 to do my homework and cook breakfast and help the kids get ready for school. Take them to the bus stop and then go to my bus stop at 6. Go to school until track ends at 4:30 but I wouldn’t walk home until I threw up in the bathroom and more than once passed out. Be home around 6 cook dinner help the kids with their homework and hygiene and clean up and then my shower which there was never hot water for until midnight. And wake up and do it all over again for two years. After a while I told my dad that I needed to go back to the hospital or I would kill myself. He then told me I was ungrateful and kicked me out to my bio moms. They did this often when I was kid and I acted out. Send me to my bio dads or moms to show me “this is how I’m going to turn out” well my bio mom was very mad at my step dad and convinced to just...stay out. She thought I would live with her but she lived in a really shitty rv (not the big kinds) and did meth in front of me and invite men who would sexually harassed me. So I went to my bio dads. Which was a little better but he did herion in front of me too and though that I was the woman of the house and I must cook and clean and everything. So I left. Now at the time my step dad had been terrorizing my step mom by vandalizing her shed stalking her at night phone calls and texts and stuff like that. So she may have not liked me but she told me if she paid for it would I try to take away my step dads custody over me. I said whatever I don’t really care. Now at this point, My step mom had someone to help live in the big house together. And that person was MP. When I lived there, I asked her for a ride home because she lived close with her boyfriend and her kids because my mother forgot about me and it would be a three hour walk and she said sure. I proceed to text me step mom letting her know her name of MP and her license plate and her address. My step mom blew a gasket and punished me for it because she was gonna get me later...I told her 3 that day and it was already six and I tried calling and texting but she didn’t answer because she was at a bar. Long story short about that they actually became friends(?) my step mom kind of forced it and MP just went along with it because she saw how I was treated and promised to try and help. And MP got dumped and had no where to stay so my step mom let her and her kids live in the house with her. Well during the custody battle my step mom went to Alaska and had an affair with a married man. And whenever she came back to visit she soon began her abuse towards me and MP grew tired of it and we moved out. Especially after my step mom became pregnant on purpose to the man just so she could have a baby. And I stayed with her throughout my junior and senior year of high school. During this I worked two jobs and gave up a lot of my high school experience because MP was struggling too as a single mom to teenagers. I love her but she’s very passive aggressive and tends to take it out on me and doesn’t really care for me like she does her kids which hurts. While her kids would get $300 gifts on holidays I would get a towel and a lamp from Walmart. She would yell at me during my panic attacks and her teenage girl who’s a year younger than me would accuse me of stealing her stuff. And I really do love her but she’s always saying that I’m her real kid but...really I’m not. During this time to Idk if it would be rape or not but I had a boyfriend who I said I didn’t want to have sex with. And while we were doing stuff he proceeded to force me to do anal or vaginal sex even while I said no. I just dunno if that counts because I didn’t scream it or fight a lot. He was a lot stronger than me and I just I kind of gave up and didn’t make a big deal about it. He finally broke up with me so that’s good. He wasn’t very good at sex either way so. Anyways stuff was getting bad again as I was in this environment and over worked myself but I met this guy, NC the end of my senior year. I told myself I would kill myself after 18 but he ultimately stopped it. MP pretty much kicked me out after I met him and I proceeded to stay at his place with his parents. It was so happy for me. This guy is a little cocky but he really doesn’t mean to. If he wants to know something he will stop at nothing to find out what it is. And he will admit hey I don’t know it but I will learn as much as I can on it. He taught me I could love myself and be more confident. I was really close to being truly happy. Now after like 8months?? of being into our relationship I decided to move out because he didn’t want to move out and there wasn’t enough room for me. But I don’t blame him his parents are really well off. But the argument was I was moving into joint living with an acquaintance and I didn’t realize there was a man living also in one of the room. This was after I paid the lease and bought all of myself and ultimately spent 1800 on it. I never really spoke to the guy. He was an Indian guy who really just kept to himself and was an exchange student from the really popular college here. We got in an argument where I said I would gladly move back in but I don’t have the money to end my lease and long story short we broke up for a bit. This is where I’m the AH. I was so mad and hurt that this man caused me this much pain after I trusted him that I had a hookup. With a guy I brought to dinner with him because we were childhood friends from when I lived with my stepdad. Now we had a thing sophomore year and hooked up but I didn’t tell NC at the time because a) I didn’t want him to look down on me. I know he wouldn’t but I was still scared. And b) he truly meant nothing to me as much as NC did. But I was so desperate for friends and anyone to care for me that I didn’t want to just drop him. And a while after that NC realized his mistake and came to me crying and begging me to take him back but I was so stressed with school and guilt that I had hooked up with a guy (he once told me off handly that he would date a girl after her body count as risen after him. He’s now grown up from that mindset thank god but at this time he still hasn’t told me any different) that I kept putting it off until I went out with NC and realized I care for him more than anything and I told the friend that I’m sorry but I won’t be speaking to you anymore and he got mad saying how could pick NC over him because he cared for me. And honestly I was only holding on to the friend so hard because he was the last person to know me from that time. He never truly did anything caring or friend like to me. He never texted me and he never helped me no matter how many times I had helped him. So I blocked him. And things were almost perfect after that!! But NC began dealing very very hard stuff with his family and didn’t pay a lot of attention to me. Sexually or romantically. It took a huge hit to me. I first started distract myself with hobbies. And whenever that didn’t work I tried to make friends. I tried to get into contact with MP and her daughter and more of my guy friends back in high school. And over time I stopped paying attention to NC and tried to find love somewhere else. Not romantically!! I would never cheat but like more of a family and friend love. And I soon fell into the wrong crowd where the guys only wanted to fuck me and the girls was jealous of me and decided to ruin my relationship pretty much. So it got too much for me and I tried to distance myself from everyone but I ran into the girl group and I ended up giving in and following them. Soon as I was away for weekend I received a message from a girl saying NC was cheating on me with multiple girls and such. I was furious. I prob wouldn’t have acted as harshly and talked to NC if I didn’t let other influence me too much. (Because now I realize it really wasn’t the case at all) and I moved out without speaking to NC and moved back with MP. Well now I work an ok job just barely any pay and depressed because MP treats me very poorly and bashes me every chance she gets along with her daughter. I barely make ends meet trying to provide for me and my brother and sister who still stays with their dad but he’s not around much I usually pay for school, food and any new clothing and bills they have. I’m in contact with NC again and he said he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me again because of how I am (not that I blame him!! I have very highs and deep lows in my emotions and I really can’t process them and I don’t bring much into a relationship honestly. I’m ok looking and I’m broke and I don’t have much of a future the only I can is I’m loyal whenever I’m not depressed and I really can take care of people well) and I have no close friends besides the guys who wants to have sex with me. And even then they only talk to me if they want to go out. What I need is advice on what to go forward. This is the most I’ve ever told anyone because I really want a informed answer. I just got out of a panic attack and I’m tired of being like this. I want to be the best for myself and NC and my brother and sister. I can’t get Medicare because it would affect MP since she’s on it and therapy is too much and I can’t afford to live on my own or even roommates but I feel like if I stay here I may do something I will regret. I have no idea what to do with my life and I just not to be cheesy but I really want a family I can count on or like a mom or a dad who will give me a hug and tell me I got this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I messed up so bad and I don’t even know how to start pulling myself out of this
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2020.12.03 02:38 leetheblogger [RF] Melrose 3- Five oh eight eight

Karla had just turned 42, three nights after Christmas. At a brisk pace, she hurried back home from the corner store in the cold dark dribbling rain. Up the six steps of cracked concrete, she turned her bent key to the apartment lobby. Still dripping, she heard the same old squeal of her very own dented steel door, unit number 11. She had tied her plastic shopping bag against the rain, so tightly that her cold achy hands grew impatient with the knot, and so she grabbed the dull scissors that hung above the sink. The six-pack of stale cupcakes, each of a different color, and the mini sparklers, would be her party tonight. In fact, she had two good reasons for this solitary celebration. Ten years ago, on this exact date, her divorce had come through. Not an imbalance of blame on either side, really. No abuse, but not enough caring. It had taken them three years to find out they were each looking for someone else. Since that date, Karla had found her way into three different relationships with men, and all had ended in rancor.
“Happy Birthday, you four-time loser”. A little chuckle as she lit the sparklers. “Haha, I ain't blowin' these things out, but I'm sure as hell gonna eat every one of those cupcakes tonight”. Her "loser" comment was only a repetition of something she had overheard, an ex-friend's vitriolic comment to another, supposedly out of her hearing. That kind of thing hurts the worst. She had lived the ins and outs of these sad tales, and knew well the foibles of everyone involved, herself included. She knew also that she was not a bad, evil, or false person and felt, in her heart of hearts, “God damn. We just can't forgive each other our trespasses.”
A little bloated, and on a sugar high, she pushed in the last cupcake in one go, washing it down with a glass of milk. The spent sparklers went into the trash bin. “God, only ten o'clock? Ah well, let's go to bed with a book, 'til the sugar wears off. Brush the teeth, take a pee, on with the nightgown, jump into those covers.” At 10:03, her old green wall telephone, with the kinky coiled cord, rang three times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paul, in those doldrum days between Christmas and New Years, had returned to his flat after a couple of days up north with his folks. He had always liked to visit them, (sporadically, that is) even though lately his Dad had been making a few innuendos about his decidedly single life of late. At 45 now, he had not been in any kind of relationship for over two years, since his wife Patty had been killed in a crash. The time was coming soon, though, that he would tire of the solitary life, and he was feeling it tonight.
Two weeks back, he'd been out for a drink with some of his buddies, and somehow the conversation had gotten 'round to what their lives were like when they were kids, or teenagers growing up. One guy had said ” Hey, you know something? I'm forty-seven goddamn years old, and you know what? I can remember my goddamn phone number from the house I lived in on Calvington Drive until I was sixteen. How many of you schmucks can say that?” Paul had asked him what the big deal was, we all had things we remembered from our childhood, then was sorry he had said it. His wobbly little buddy was nonplussed, but not belligerent, and got up to go home. That had ended their night. The thing was, Paul thought, yes the funny thing was that he had found himself remembering exactly the same thing on his way home.
Tonight, in the quiet cold rain of December 28th, as he lay in his comfy recliner watching some brainiac show on television, he didn't realize that he was smiling when that number surfaced once again, as if it had floated into view on one of those old Magic 8-Ball toys. "I'm gonna have a little fun tonight. This'll be just like being a kid and playing Nicky Nicky Nine Doors.” He slid his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number: *** 743-5088. Melrose Three, Five Oh Eight Eight. He had to see what soul was now at the end of this nondescript number he had held in memory for thirty years. He was uncertain as to what he would say to them, or how they would react, but his curiosity was in high gear now. .........At 10:02, he dialed.
Three rings, no answer. He suddenly lost his nerve and hung up. Sat there reproaching himself for being such a chicken, lit another smoke, then took the plunge. Three more rings, then a woman's voice. "Hello?" “Hi. My name is Paul. I…" “I'm not interested, thanks"...”No no, I'm not selling anything, please give me a sec.” "Who are you?" “I know it's a stupid thing to say, but I had your phone number growing up, until I was fifteen. I just wanted to see if it was still around, and who it belonged to.” "Well, that's a bit crazy, right?" “Yes, I'm real sorry. To have bothered you, I mean. No more questions. I'll let you go, and have a good night. And, haha, please don't report my number.” "Now, how would I do that?" “Well, it must be showing up on your phone, right?” "Showing up? Haha, no, buddy. I've got a green wall phone from the 1960's. Don't worry about that." “Ok, well, goodbye, and sorry once again.”
Paul, red-faced, lay back in his chair again, an annoyed squint upon his face. Why so nervous, old man? It seemed that serendipity had done its ellipse back to him after his time of grief and loneliness. He remembered once again how he had met his wife of fifteen years. It was over the telephone. He had called to make an appointment with a dentist. She had answered the phone. If an electronic signal can convey spirit, it did on that day, in both directions. Something in her voice, her inflections. They had started to chat, at first haltingly, then as if they were long lost pals. He had gotten up the nerve to ask her out, with freezing still in his cottony mouth, after he had come out from his root canal. She had thought it was hilarious. Something about this voice tonight. He dialed the number again. “ Boy, this time I am going to be in hot shit.” The line was busy. He hung up. Dude, go to bed. Then his own rang. 743-5088 is calling you.
"Hello? Listen, I'm sorry, I ..." " It's okay. Don't worry, Paul. You didn't wake me up or anything. I just don't normally get many phone calls. The more I thought about your little request the more I laughed about it. It's something that I would probably do myself. What made you do it, anyway?" "Oh, Just something stupid. One of my buddies was bragging that he could remember his childhood phone number, and it made me think about the same kind of thing. It was just an affectionate thought that came to my head because it was a nice time in my life those first 15 years. Stability, same place, same friends, happy parents. Good time. I just got curious if the old number was still around, did not mean to upset you." "You're a bit strange, aren't you? Maybe kind of like me. By the way, my name's Karla." (Paul is thinking "maybe I've got a live one here") "Are you kidding? Your name is Karla?"(pause on the other end, then "something wrong with my name?") "No. No. It's just...haven't you heard about the infamous couple Paul and Karla who went around killing people?" "Oh, for Chrissakes, yes. And we're not a couple." "Forgive me presuming, but it feels like you're alone. Would you like to go out for a coffee sometime?" "Forgive me for not assuming, but are you alone or attached?" "Okay, touche. I'm two years a widower." "Oh Jesus. So sorry. My mouth gets me in trouble once again." "That's okay. But you didn't answer my question.” "More alone than you might think. Divorced ten years ago. A few short relationships since then. I guess I'm just a bitch." "Well, meeting for a coffee can't hurt....unless you think I might be one of those internet stalkers." "What's Internet?" "Are you kidding?" "Listen, buddy. You're talking to somebody who still has a wall phone and gets two channels on her television". "Hah! This might be fun, you know? I could pick you up on Saturday." "Um, you're scaring me a bit. Could I take a raincheck and call you?" "Sure, Karla, I'll keep the afternoon clear." (She is thinking "Boy, I've got a real live one here.") She lies in bed, lights out. The bitchy old TV staring at her with its snowy screen. Finishing her chocolate milkshake and chips, she wipes the crumbs away. “ I'll vacuum later.” She wrestles with conflicting emotions. Lonely too long, but comfortable in her penury, like an old shoe. Her long-time job as a cashier, just enough to pay the rent and eat a little. “This guy just might be one of those internet creeps. And, am I gonna go through this stuff again, for the fifth time?” The very last thing that worries her to sleep is her broken tooth, on the front, of course. As for Paul, he has no such worries. He sleeps the sleep of the dead, probably the best one he's had in years.
Thursday morning found Karla at the local butcher. Well, actually, dentist. She and her friends had called him The Butcher because of his reputation for bad jobs or not enough anesthetic. But, he had filled the need for someone affordable in this sad neighborhood. "Can you make this look more like a tooth?" He assured her he could, but it would cost her five hundred, cash on the line. "Three hundred. I can have it by Friday". Four hundred would do it, he said, but the price would go up next week. Thursday afternoon found her at the local Coin & Stamp shop, toting a plastic bag containing a large album. It had been her father's. He had been a collector, and she was certain that some of the things in it had value. The short grey-haired man behind the counter began to leaf through it, paused a couple of times, took a closer look, then said: "I'll offer you two hundred". She knew then that there was something he wanted, and said "I just came from the library, and I looked some of these up. Just some of them. And it looks like this whole thing is worth at least five." "Ma'am, those stamp catalogs are just guidelines. The market fluctuates." "Okay. I'm going somewhere else." She walked. "Will you take three hundred?"...sold. By Friday afternoon, she had taken half a mouthful of Tylenol for the pain and was scratching her top lip and itchy nose. She took one more look in the mirror. It would have to do. She hoped the glue would hold out as long as he had said it would. He had taken the three hundred, with a promissory note for the rest. She made the nervous phone call to Paul. Great. He would pick her up tomorrow afternoon. They would go for their coffee and wherever else she wanted to go. Everything would be fine. She searched her closet and dresser for her Sunday best, and found some pantyhose, a tartan pleated dress, a white lacy blouse, and a pair of her sister's hand-me-down shoes, in navy blue. Then spent an hour ironing each one of the pleats in the kilt.
It could be said that Karla was close to being as blind as a bat without her glasses. Horn-rimmed and sturdily built to last the ages, they had a thick lens on one side and almost plain glass on the other. While she was bent over the ironing, they fell to the tiled floor with a click. Oh God. Oh God. She panicked and stumbled about looking for them. Then, crunch. She found them. In two pieces. Now, almost in tears, she remembered the tube of glue the butcher had given her, to be used in an emergency in case her new tooth broke again. Went to the dresser, pulled out the old magnifying glass, and set to work. "That, my girl, is enough for one day. We're going to bed early tonight."
"No, don't come to my building. The lot is full and they're parking on the street. I'll meet you at the diner. It's right at the corner of Main and 5th. Oh shit....how will I know you?" "I'll be the only one wearing a hat that says HI KARLA on it. Don't worry, we'll find each other" So, Paul is there about 15 minutes early, after ripping a page out of his calendar in the glove compartment, penciling her name in big block letters, and sticking it on his hat band. He sits and orders a coffee, fidgets a bit. Karla takes one last look in her closet mirror and slumps a little. "Jesus. This whole outfit just screams 1960's Bag Lady. Oh well, it's a good test. If he can't take me as I am, I'll know it right away. No sense in wasting time." She's 15 minutes late. He's on his second coffee, when he sees, through the slits in the blinds, a woman kind of peeking in the front window. He doesn't know if she's looking for something inside or studying her reflection. At any rate, it's a little comical. A crooked pair of glasses rides on a face that squints a little as it studies its own teeth. She walks on, and a few seconds later, makes an awkward entrance.
He's a bit stricken. Is this her? A tartan skirt with neat pleats, only a few folded over on themselves. Nylons....nylons? who wears nylons anymore? Shoes a little too big, making for a mincing stride as she walks towards his table. But, bright eyes. Yes. Bright eyes. One a little bigger than the other with those peculiar glasses. Full of spirit. Paul stands up and smiles. What Karla sees, aside from the ridiculous hat, is a nervous guy dressed in Sunday best blue jeans, a suit jacket, and construction boots. But, he was clean. Good. We're both nervous. And he hasn't laughed at me yet. Perfect start.
Paul pulls out a chair for her and smiles diffidently. Then does something that neither he nor Karla is expecting. Impulsively, he picks up her hand and puts his own over it. "I'm Paul". "I thought you must be.", she says, looking at his hat. (Here is a real original, he thinks) "What can I get you, Karla? I'm all coffeed out, but we can have lunch". She orders, then sits primly, with fingers entwined in front of her. Her eyes move quickly up and down, then she turns her head to the side with a little embarrassed smile. All at once, he is charmed. She has said only five words, but, in a flash, he has taken in his first impression: Shy, but playful. An unconscious batting of the eyelashes, like Betty Boop or Mae West or one of those. He thought that kind of thing had went the way of the Dodo. The glued cockeyed glasses. The unwillingness to smile openly (wonder why?) The baggy socks pulled on over her nylons, but not enough to cover the run in them. She sees him as a guy who's going a little grey (he's taken off his hat). Someone with a quirky sense of humor, maybe? (The note is still sticking out of it). Someone who has had a great sadness settle upon them. What has touched her the most is the sudden gesture he made, taking her hand like that. He tries for the humor once again, saying "You know, I am not used to having strange women just walk up to my table and sit down." "And I'm not used to having someone pick up my hand like that." "Did I offend you? The devil made me do it." "Well, no. It's like something out of the movies." "Hah! Funny you should say that. Just now, I was thinking the same thing about you." "Okay. Now I know you're buttering me up. The last thing I look like is a movie star." "Now, this may sound weird. Smile for me a second, Karla." (She does, but just a grin) "No, smile the way you felt when I picked up your hand." There we go. He sees the funny crooked tooth, a little bit off color from the others. She looks down at the table. "That's it! I know! You're somewhere between Carol Burnett and Mae West." "You better not be making fun, 'cause I don't know either one of them. I told you, I only get two channels." "Both charming women. Don't worry about that." "I was waiting for you to say something about my clothes, and then I thought you had better not. You came to a date wearing work boots!...sorry, Paul, it's just funny, that's all." "So, I have two things to tell you. First, madam, I came in jeans and work boots because they called me in for a couple hours this morning and I had no time to change. The sports jacket was an afterthought." (Karla has a sheepish look, thinking she has offended him) "Secondly, I see in you someone who has maybe disrupted her own life just to come and see someone like me, and I am touched by that." "Yes, well. You cost me three hundred bucks so far" "What?" "Oh Geez, never mind. It looks like we're both glad we came out, eh?" "I am, Karla. (he leans over to her). "Come with me, and I'll show you my etchings". "What?" "Never mind. It's something from the movies, I think." THE END.
submitted by leetheblogger to shortstories [link] [comments]


2020.12.03 01:35 i_dunno3881 This is my first one but I just really need to feel like I’m not alone..this is also my first post. This is also pretty long because it’s my life so don’t feel obligated to read!! Also TW too!!

I am a 20F and I’m sorry if this is really bad I’m new to this. But I watch a lot of Reddit podcast and I read a lot on here. But on to my story. I had a pretty hard childhood. My bio mom is a drug addict and my bio dad is both a dealer and an addict. They were married whenever I was first born but divorced when I was around 1 because bio dad went to prison and my bio mom never truly cared for him. My bio mom then went to my step dad and had my baby brother and sister. We had a hard life then but it wasn’t too terrible. I didn’t get what a lot of kids had but to me I didn’t even know what to want. My step dad is a diagnosed narcissist and also has a past of drugs. And soon they began fighting over that. I don’t think my step dad ever hit me on purpose but he was cruel to me. Not too bad!!! Just very nasty taunts and never really made it up in the caring department. But he did abuse my bio mom. Hitting, choking, and manipulating her. My bio dad isn’t really in the picture. He would be in and out of prison and whenever I did see him he would get me in trouble by feeding me taunts to tell my step dad how he’s not my father and blood is always better and stuff like that. Soon they decided to split. My siblings and I would spend a week there and then a week here stuff like that. Which is really ok except I had to take on the mom role wherever we went. My bio mom ultimately gave up really and dove deeper into drugs and I had to take care of them both as a caregiver and a mom. I would clean, cook, and raise them since my step dad really didn’t care unless he had a girlfriend over he wanted to show off too. Then a big car wreck happened. My bio moms sister died, my bio mom was mainly burned and shattered her knee. My sister (4 at the time) only had a cut on her forehead and a broken leg. My brother who was 2 was hurt the most. He has broken legs fractured neck bones and burns all over his body. Those weeks after that was bad. My mother became more and more dependent on drugs while my step dad spent more and more time at work. So I had to deal with a 4 year old who couldn’t walk properly and a screaming two year old who was in a body cast and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t walk anymore all within a dirty house that had no ac in one of the hottest states in the summer. I had really bad nightmares during this time, enough to where I would kick out windows and thrash around. My step dad then met my step mom. She was very nice, grew up very country and had a loving household where the worst she had to deal with was her dad divorcing her mom whenever she was two. Soon they fell in love. It was always kind of weird because my step dad changed himself to fit her. This was the man who listened to papa roach and had an 82’ camero that he would wash and wax every Saturday no matter what. Now he was this man who watched friends (her favorite show) and listened to country (although he always said that country made him remember his mom who kind of abused and neglected him and swore to me he would never like it) Then they decided to move in and get married. At first my step mom was very kind and I didn’t really care either way as long as I could be a kid finally. But soon it became apparent that me and her was not the same. I was 10 around this time and I was little bit of a nerdy shy kid but she wanted me to cut my hair and dress me up and stuff like that. She even begged me everyday to get my ear pierced for a month until I finally gave in. And then get mad when they ended up really hurting me and I just took them out. And proceeded to pierce my ear herself which caused me to have very damaged earlobes. (Not too bad just I can’t wear dangly earrings or heavy ones because there would be a giant hole and it kind of embarrassed me) My step parents gained custody of me because my mom did drugs a lot and couldn’t keep clean. So we all lived together in a middle class house and it was really nice. But they were never around. We were left with a nanny who I love her but she is a god fearing woman and doesn’t do much of cuddling and loving. We never really saw my parents and they never really paid attention to us. I was always uncomfortable but never acted out because it was all so quick to me. First they would say I don’t have to call her mom. But whenever I didn’t I would get in trouble and get no food for a week so I gave in. She would spank my brother and sister and berate them if we kissed and hugged (nothing weird!! Just on the cheek) she would yell at us if the kids slept in my bed because that’s what’s they’ve always done. But would turn around and say that I am the older sister and I must do all the chores (which really wasn’t a big deal) and protect them and that was my duty. So my life went on like that for awhile. I never had any friends and always stayed quiet and always made A’s because if I didn’t I would have punishments like food taken away or privileges. My one birthday I had with her she gave it to my sister because I wasn’t appreciating it enough. Then they decided to move when I was 12. We went up to her state in the country but there wasn’t enough jobs so me, my siblings, and her moved down while my step dad stayed up there “because it really helped him” we will find out later he met a lady friend named Lindsey. So for a couple months we stayed with my step dads mom which was awful. She is a very Native American woman (which she is still white but she takes that heritage part of her very seriously but I don’t know if that cultural appropriation??? I just wanted to explain how she is) she doesn’t have a heat system and so no heater or hot showers. She wasn’t very loving either (now she’s a little bit better because my uncle died going to my birthday party and that was her baby and I guess it made her realize how short life is??) I remember as a kid I hated beans but I knew the rules. You don’t like it you don’t eat at all. So I didn’t. I didn’t cause a fuss I just got up and put my plate down. She proceeded to throw the plate at me while yelling I was entitled and such. But she also hated my step mom much more. And so my step mom was always at work. Here I got a phone when I was 13 but I could only text her so no games no internet no friends. I also went to a very Hispanic and African American school and was picked on and got into fights a lot because my brother and sister would also get picked on and I would defend them. Nothing is wrong and I don’t hold on to any anger toward anyone!! They were just kids and we to be fair was very easy targets. My step mom would come home after 11 or 12 after drinking all afternoon at a local bar but would get mad if I made any food for us. But she wouldn’t cook dinner so most of the time I would sneak my free lunch from school to give to my brother and sister to let them have dinner. My grandmother soon got tired of her and kicked us out. There we moved into a trailer park home (??) and there it was really bad for us. My step mom knew why my step father was still away and began drinking herself to close to death. She would come home after work around 3 and buy a 36 pack and drink it at a neighbors until 1 am until she finally came back to yell at me for making dinner. She always began berating me about my weight. ( I KNOW I’m not totally fat but I’m a little bit thicker than my siblings but I think she was taking her weight out on me because my step father would mock her) then came a time where she spanked my brother over something he couldn’t control (his frequent bed wetting) and when I wouldn’t talk to her for a week she said that I must tell her what was wrong or I will be “beat until there was nothing left” so word for word I told her “I think you’re a little too strict” well she walked off (and by this time my step dad came back but he was never around because he worked nights and spent most of the day at Lisa’s or Lindsey’s. Well they both decided to take away my family privileges so that meant 1)no seconds or extras on food 2) no talking or touching my siblings or pets 3) I had to sleep with one pillow and a sheet 4) I had seven pairs of clothes and had to pay to wash them. But as I had no money I could never wash them and 5) any spare time I had to do chores. No fun time for me. No relaxing either. During this I realized now I had frequent panic attacks where I would crawl under my bed and hyperventilate until I pass out and do it over and over again until I stayed asleep. She also took my stuffed animal I had gotten when my mother kidnapped us when I was 8. That thing is my life saver. His name is big bear and I love him very much. When I cried whenever she took him away she told me it was just a worthless stuffed animal and I need to stop being a pssy. This went on until we moved again to a nice place in the country. Where they totally forgot about everything and acted like it never happened. One good thing tho my stuff was already packed they said. I actually made somewhat friends and one in particular. Her name was Ashley. She also had a bad life but where I was shy and timid she lashed out. She would call cps on her mother for drug abuse and such. Well during this time I was still going through lots of bad stuff. Still punishments was harsh. If I broke a glass when I was doing dishes I missed supper for that day. If they thought I “took” food (I didn’t I was anorexic then now I know what it was) I again had my food or privileges taken away. I still had clothes I’ve had when I was 9 and wasn’t given anymore. My brother and sister was treated very significantly different and to family my only duty in life was to make sure they were ok. I soon began cutting myself after I showed them a report card to sign where I had all A’s in honor classes but nothing was said until my sister got a C in English and they acted like it was a god given miracle. (I hold no resentment to my siblings!! My sister had it rough to because she was always supposed to be perfect because she was Daddy’s little girl and no one cared about my baby brother because my step dad never wanted a boy and my step mom doesn’t really like young kids she likes babies) so I began cutting myself. Bad. I was 14 and just now my scars are barely visible. I was so numb. My step mother would yell at me all the time because I wouldn’t cry after they do things to me like cuss me out or call me an emotionaless monster and she has given up on me and I’d better hope god takes pity. I remember I went into the garage to grab some books and I found an erotic novel. I didn’t know it was that at the time and thought it was a romance novel. When I began reading it that night I soon realized that kissing wasnt all that they were doing. I got afraid and threw it in mine and my sister closet to take of in the morning. I soon forgot and that day my parents found it while looking through my stuff. I was only allowed to do track at this time and so at a home game the coaches threw me into the 800 dash when I never did it before (I was more of a 400) and I burnt out. I was dehydrated and malnutritioned and so the trainer sat me down after words and was taking care of me because I was close to passing out and kept throwing up. My parents came by and I was so happy because none of them ever came to my stuff. At all. But nope they dragged me away without telling anyone except the trainer who was begging them not to because I may have to go to the hospital. They just told her I was being a child and needed to buck up and was afraid of the punishment. Now at this point I had no idea what was wrong I just kept drifting off. My step dad tossed me into the back of the truck because I wouldn’t throw up in my dads new truck. Whenever we got there my step dad took me into the room and told me about finding out the book. I didn’t realize what was wrong and told them my story. He proceeded to tell me I was lying because my step mom never had that book. (I guess the box I pointed to where I found the book was my step moms old college stuff that she previously said I could borrow any of the books) he then told me I needed a spanking. I told him no because in all of my life I always took the blame but for this time I wasn’t gonna take it for something I didn’t even know what I did. Well that was the wrong answer and he proceeded to hit me everywhere with a bored he found while he was at a hotel with Lindsey that was a....ya know. Naughty board with white junk and crude names everywhere. He turned it into a spanking board with the words “gonna learn today” it usually never hurt but whenever you get smacked in the face with it that sucker had a punch. And when I crawled away and hid under my bed he dragged me by my hair and told me I needed to take this as a woman while dangling by my hair. Afterwards I also had to apologize to my family because I was crying and screaming so much I scared my brother and sister. My punishment was I had to sleep in the laundry room, with a 3 foot by 3 foot shawl and no food. And after I did my chores I had to sit outside in my tank top and booty shorts since I wanted to be a whre. No matter the weather. This happened in January all the way to March. Soon Ashley began to notice and she called cps on my family. I didn’t know until the cps came to my school and asked to tell me what was going on. I told them everything. But whenever the state came by...all they said that my family had money and the best they could do was suggest that they put a mattress in the laundry room. And left. And my step dad did that. After throwing it at me and told me to do it myself if I wanted to tattle tell. I kept cutting myself and cps came by for a check up and I guess told my parents that I needed to go to a hospital. So I came home from school to my dad telling me to get in the car. Nothing else. I really felt he was going to kill me or leave me somewhere. And whenever we arrived the ladies made me undress and search my body and I had no idea where I was because I never knew there was a place like this. All while my dad stood out there not saying anything just staring at me. And whenever it was time to say goodbye he walked away. Nothing. That month there was honestly the most care free time of my life. I didn’t have to ask for seconds. I could just get it. There was so many options!!!! I had sugary cereal and waffles and pasta!!!! I could watch tv!!! I had girls there who got me. But after a week my parents didn’t drop by to give me homework or clothes so girls there would give me their old hand me down. And i was so excited!! Because these clothes sure had a tear in the crotch and some buttons didn’t work or it was a little tight but!! It was skinny jeans!! And skirts!! That was black or gray!! And not pink!! And rock bands shirts that I love. I also found out I’m bi there too ;) And truthfully the therapist there didn’t believe me when I told them everything but whenever it came to the family conference at the end of my stay they couldn’t even be bothered to show up and called an hour after and yelled at me why I had very little clothes and I MUST be giving them to Ashely because I was going to run away (I literally wasn’t. I would never leave my brother and sister and if I was gonna run away anywhere it definitely wouldn’t be to Ashley. She’s crazier than I am. I just had that little of clothes. And they berated me and called me names and told me I should never come back. I remember the therapist face when she just looked at me and asked me to leave. But alas my heaven could not last forever. My step mom came to pick me up and while families were loving on their kids who they haven’t seen she told me to sit away from her while she signed paperwork. Then the entire car ride she yelled at me for destroying this family and I must have stolen these clothes and I was ruining my brother and sister. Whenever we got home she forced me to undress and tossed a loose shirt to me and told me I couldn’t be trusted to wear clothes. So I had to wear that. Life went on and I slowly got my clothes back but then disaster hits. My step mom was now broke as hell from supporting my dad through four different college majors and he wanted a divorce. We had no say. It was told to us the day we moved out. We could only pack a bag and leave. We then moved to a smaller more townish area (idk how to spell the s words my mind is blank) and it was just like how I was little except my step dad moved directly into his girlfriends house because he had no credit. So while they had sex IN THE LIVING ROOM AT 4 OCLOCK I had to cook dinner clean take care of my brother and sister and her naughty kid. (He’s really not bad but damn was he naughty) I grew more and more depressed started binge eating a lot. I would wake up at 4 to do my homework and cook breakfast and help the kids get ready for school. Take them to the bus stop and then go to my bus stop at 6. Go to school until track ends at 4:30 but I wouldn’t walk home until I threw up in the bathroom and more than once passed out. Be home around 6 cook dinner help the kids with their homework and hygiene and clean up and then my shower which there was never hot water for until midnight. And wake up and do it all over again for two years. After a while I told my dad that I needed to go back to the hospital or I would kill myself. He then told me I was ungrateful and kicked me out to my bio moms. They did this often when I was kid and I acted out. Send me to my bio dads or moms to show me “this is how I’m going to turn out” well my bio mom was very mad at my step dad and convinced to just...stay out. She thought I would live with her but she lived in a really shitty rv (not the big kinds) and did meth in front of me and invite men who would sexually harassed me. So I went to my bio dads. Which was a little better but he did herion in front of me too and though that I was the woman of the house and I must cook and clean and everything. So I left. Now at the time my step dad had been terrorizing my step mom by vandalizing her shed stalking her at night phone calls and texts and stuff like that. So she may have not liked me but she told me if she paid for it would I try to take away my step dads custody over me. I said whatever I don’t really care. Now at this point, My step mom had someone to help live in the big house together. And that person was MP. When I lived there, I asked her for a ride home because she lived close with her boyfriend and her kids because my mother forgot about me and it would be a three hour walk and she said sure. I proceed to text me step mom letting her know her name of MP and her license plate and her address. My step mom blew a gasket and punished me for it because she was gonna get me later...I told her 3 that day and it was already six and I tried calling and texting but she didn’t answer because she was at a bar. Long story short about that they actually became friends(?) my step mom kind of forced it and MP just went along with it because she saw how I was treated and promised to try and help. And MP got dumped and had no where to stay so my step mom let her and her kids live in the house with her. Well during the custody battle my step mom went to Alaska and had an affair with a married man. And whenever she came back to visit she soon began her abuse towards me and MP grew tired of it and we moved out. Especially after my step mom became pregnant on purpose to the man just so she could have a baby. And I stayed with her throughout my junior and senior year of high school. During this I worked two jobs and gave up a lot of my high school experience because MP was struggling too as a single mom to teenagers. I love her but she’s very passive aggressive and tends to take it out on me and doesn’t really care for me like she does her kids which hurts. While her kids would get $300 gifts on holidays I would get a towel and a lamp from Walmart. She would yell at me during my panic attacks and her teenage girl who’s a year younger than me would accuse me of stealing her stuff. And I really do love her but she’s always saying that I’m her real kid but...really I’m not. During this time to Idk if it would be rape or not but I had a boyfriend who I said I didn’t want to have sex with. And while we were doing stuff he proceeded to force me to do anal or vaginal sex even while I said no. I just dunno if that counts because I didn’t scream it or fight a lot. He was a lot stronger than me and I just I kind of gave up and didn’t make a big deal about it. He finally broke up with me so that’s good. He wasn’t very good at sex either way so. Anyways stuff was getting bad again as I was in this environment and over worked myself but I met this guy, NC the end of my senior year. I told myself I would kill myself after 18 but he ultimately stopped it. MP pretty much kicked me out after I met him and I proceeded to stay at his place with his parents. It was so happy for me. This guy is a little cocky but he really doesn’t mean to. If he wants to know something he will stop at nothing to find out what it is. And he will admit hey I don’t know it but I will learn as much as I can on it. He taught me I could love myself and be more confident. I was really close to being truly happy. Now after like 8months?? of being into our relationship I decided to move out because he didn’t want to move out and there wasn’t enough room for me. But I don’t blame him his parents are really well off. But the argument was I was moving into joint living with an acquaintance and I didn’t realize there was a man living also in one of the room. This was after I paid the lease and bought all of myself and ultimately spent 1800 on it. I never really spoke to the guy. He was an Indian guy who really just kept to himself and was an exchange student from the really popular college here. We got in an argument where I said I would gladly move back in but I don’t have the money to end my lease and long story short we broke up for a bit. This is where I’m the AH. I was so mad and hurt that this man caused me this much pain after I trusted him that I had a hookup. With a guy I brought to dinner with him because we were childhood friends from when I lived with my stepdad. Now we had a thing sophomore year and hooked up but I didn’t tell NC at the time because a) I didn’t want him to look down on me. I know he wouldn’t but I was still scared. And b) he truly meant nothing to me as much as NC did. But I was so desperate for friends and anyone to care for me that I didn’t want to just drop him. And a while after that NC realized his mistake and came to me crying and begging me to take him back but I was so stressed with school and guilt that I had hooked up with a guy (he once told me off handly that he would date a girl after her body count as risen after him. He’s now grown up from that mindset thank god but at this time he still hasn’t told me any different) that I kept putting it off until I went out with NC and realized I care for him more than anything and I told the friend that I’m sorry but I won’t be speaking to you anymore and he got mad saying how could pick NC over him because he cared for me. And honestly I was only holding on to the friend so hard because he was the last person to know me from that time. He never truly did anything caring or friend like to me. He never texted me and he never helped me no matter how many times I had helped him. So I blocked him. And things were almost perfect after that!! But NC began dealing very very hard stuff with his family and didn’t pay a lot of attention to me. Sexually or romantically. It took a huge hit to me. I first started distract myself with hobbies. And whenever that didn’t work I tried to make friends. I tried to get into contact with MP and her daughter and more of my guy friends back in high school. And over time I stopped paying attention to NC and tried to find love somewhere else. Not romantically!! I would never cheat but like more of a family and friend love. And I soon fell into the wrong crowd where the guys only wanted to fuck me and the girls was jealous of me and decided to ruin my relationship pretty much. So it got too much for me and I tried to distance myself from everyone but I ran into the girl group and I ended up giving in and following them. Soon as I was away for weekend I received a message from a girl saying NC was cheating on me with multiple girls and such. I was furious. I prob wouldn’t have acted as harshly and talked to NC if I didn’t let other influence me too much. (Because now I realize it really wasn’t the case at all) and I moved out without speaking to NC and moved back with MP. Well now I work an ok job just barely any pay and depressed because MP treats me very poorly and bashes me every chance she gets along with her daughter. I barely make ends meet trying to provide for me and my brother and sister who still stays with their dad but he’s not around much I usually pay for school, food and any new clothing and bills they have. I’m in contact with NC again and he said he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me again because of how I am (not that I blame him!! I have very highs and deep lows in my emotions and I really can’t process them and I don’t bring much into a relationship honestly. I’m ok looking and I’m broke and I don’t have much of a future the only I can is I’m loyal whenever I’m not depressed and I really can take care of people well) and I have no close friends besides the guys who wants to have sex with me. And even then they only talk to me if they want to go out. What I need is advice on what to go forward. This is the most I’ve ever told anyone because I really want a informed answer. I just got out of a panic attack and I’m tired of being like this. I want to be the best for myself and NC and my brother and sister. I can’t get Medicare because it would affect MP since she’s on it and therapy is too much and I can’t afford to live on my own or even roommates but I feel like if I stay here I may do something I will regret. I have no idea what to do with my life and I just not to be cheesy but I really want a family I can count on or like a mom or a dad who will give me a hug and tell me I got this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I messed up so bad and I don’t even know how to start pulling myself out of this
submitted by i_dunno3881 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.12.03 01:17 Ok-Zookeepergame1298 Am I 30f, being unreasonable with veteran bf 40m

So, I'm not sure where to start here. I'm hoping by reading this post to myself afterwards, that I will gain some clarity about what I should do .....
Together for almost two years. When we first got together, I moved in after dating for a little over a month. 40m bf had a house he was renting with his daughter who happened to go to my son's school (how we met). At first it was great (as usual, I get it) and I was ecstatic to build a future with him as we had been friends for a short while before we declared our feelings for each other. We moved quickly and I felt comfortable with this pace as I was confident that we were well matched. Until this relationship I was a single mom to my two children who were estranged from their father due to his life choices (another story there). I was extremely hesitant to engage at first but soon fell entirely in love and inspired to take a leap of faith.
Soon after moving in (maybe a month), I answer the front door and receive a notice from his landlord. He was already over a month behind in rent and was served papers to appear in court. He admitted he was struggling after leaving a job recently. We were both door dash drivers at the time so, instead of seeing this as a character flaw or a potential red flag, I took his apology and had a "we will get through this together" attitude. At the time I had left my apartment behind as I was living terribly, no heat, barely working bathroom, terrible rodent problem, etc slumlord blah blah blah. I still continued to work to pay that apartment off, while working even harder to help us stay in his home. I finished out my lease. Paid up. Meanwhile, my kids father was doing better and we were working on visits every other weekend. Kids father also met someone and APPEARED to be doing well for himself. Also, bf truck was repoed a week after I received notice about the house.
Ultimately, (skipping painful details, car broke down, no income) we were unable to afford to stay and ended up homeless. HOMELESS. I asked my childrens father to care for my kids while my bf and I stayed in an air bnb in a revamped refrigerated box and busted our asses working nearly 24 hours a day between the two of us in order to afford another place. BTW, bf receives disability. He's a vet. Afghanistan. Even with his monthly $, we couldn't afford to stay in the home. We used this $$ to get the air bnb. It became a day by day income type of situation. Eventually I was able to pull some strings with connects I had while doing volunteer work for our kids school program, and we were granted assistance to move into a home to rent. Its also a dump btw but we were just happy to have a place of our own.
I come to find out that my children's father was doing much worse than I expected and their stay with him (about 2mos) proved my worst fears (dv, alcoholism) In January of this year, I had to get a restraining order to override parental rights. He had been driving around drunk with the kids in town. 😣😣😣
Since the beginning bf and I have had to overcome huge financial obstacles. All while we were doing door dash, Uber, Lyft etc. I chose this profession, because it afforded me the extra time I wanted to spend raising my young children. (Now 5 and 7, his is 5 too). Time came for full time school for the youngers in Sept 2020 and I looked forward to this time as I would finally feel ready to seek fulfilling employment or start my own business as I've always intended for this year ( ha ha 2020). Kids have been at home for school because 2020. (Do you really need any explanation lol)
Since the pandemic started, our work has slowly come to a near halt as there has been wayyy more drivers out there due to loss of jobs etc.
We are finding ourselves in this situation again. Bf was in a car accident 3 weeks ago and my car that I had just bought in April, after months of paying an insane rate for a rental all during homelessness. Car is totaled. We are now paying insane rates again due to a terrible choice on my part not to pay extra for rental coverage to save a few dollars monthly.
I decided recently to pursue working on my business in my free time as there's been much more of it, and have also become close friends with my neighbor, a great friend. I usually hang out after the kids are in bed so her and I can talk over our short backyard fence maybe a couple times a week. I have also been seeing a counselor regularly to work on my own mental health. Its been a journey.
I recently redid my resume and started applying for other jobs, recognizing that our financial situation would get better if one of us was getting a regular paycheck. We've split the bills to where he's paying $1350 rent and I'm responsible for everything else. Ive struggled to keep up with my half, which includes groceries, car insurance, elec, gas, cell phone, internet. There has been times where he's paid a bill for me, but I made sure to pay him back asap. Quarantinewhile, he's continued to pay rent later and later. He intends to cover it with his disability but when the day comes hes always short, thus we now have a contentious relationship with our landlord. I can never fully account for where his money is going as we have separate accounts. Also he medicates with that which is green and fluffy (hehe). As do I. Both for separate issues surrounding PTSD.
I've been feeling like he's not that into me. And yes, I get that this may be coming from a place of insecurity and it is. I'm no longer feeling secure in this relationship. I feel as though he's been with me to avoid being alone. He never compliments me or says he's proud of me. He has ZERO interest in anything I try to show him ie videos I think are funny, anything to do with my business. I don't need him to think I'm the most beautiful or the most intelligent or the most sexy. I'm just looking for some kind of intimacy that is not forthcoming. Even the sex is sparse. I think, Can't you just pretend that you're interested, even to spare my feelings? I mean I watched all of GOT, all of the star treks, and so on because I know he enjoys these things. Ive come to enjoy delving into his taste in things. Quality time is spent doing what he wants to do. Which is usually watching movies at our desks that are next to each other's as we no longer have furniture due to space. There's some TLC. Its not alll bad. But right now it's feeling that way. Also, he never wants to do anything with the kids. I try to have movie nights but everyone has to sit there absolutely quiet.
All this, while we struggle. I tried to tell him today that I don't feel like he's being very supportive and he blew up on me. Says I always blame him for everything. Says that he won't go get a job where he's working for someone else again. And is waiting for a settlement which is now in litigation, for him to start his own lil business. I told him that I want to try and achieve these things by following a stricter budget. One that is more transparent. He brought up that we now have full custody and says that I need to compensate for that. I feel like I'm missing something obvious here. He seems resentful to have to care for them and has once said that if I want help with them that I should hit up their deadbeat dad. He said I always say that he's ultimately a bad person or a piece of shit (I've never said that). Ive pointed out that he's using these phrases to deflect from the real issue and he gets even more upset saying that I am not a psych doctor. He sd today that I've left him on am island to deal with our finances because I recently (in the last month or so) made a friend of my neighbor and will spend maybe two nights a week visiting with her, once the kids are asleep. Usually if I'm spending time with him, it's at our desks watching whatever he wants to watch, or I'm sitting here doing my own thing and we speak periodically. Btw our desks are two feet apart.
He said he wishes he would've just died in the recent car accident. Also was yelling that obviously I deserve better than him and he is going to go live in a shelter next week to get back on his feet on his own.
Anyone can see this is a cry for help, or no? I'm so torn. I don't know all of his experiences in the war, but I know they've obviously effected him. I don't want to walk away from this man that I love dearly, denying him the love I feel he deserves despite his mental wellness. I don't know what to do here. He was the one who told me I needed counseling and I contacted a doc right away and started treatment. I'll be the first to admit that I'm traumatized by own experiences in my life until this point. I've been struggling with my own wellness but I feel I have made huge strides over the last year. I am no saint, but I've definitely set some boundaries for us as far as respectful treatment esp during conflict. He refuses to respect those boundaries and will yell and belittle me verbally during confrontations that began as conversations.
I hope that there's a vet out there who can help me to help him. He's never spoken like that to me and I'm afraid for him. My heart breaks for him. I just want to help but I'm not sure if I can being that I have my own issues and he's not forthcoming with me about his feelings in most instances. I've expressed that I just want to hear how he feels, even if it's hurtful and he agrees but continues to close me out.
Please, share your stories here about reintegrating back into society. Ive seen this struggle with so many vets and I feel so sick to think of what will happen to him if we break up.
Thank you for reading this. I hope everyone hugs their loved ones that struggle in these ways today. I hope that some of you have found peace. I hope that he can too. 🥺
submitted by Ok-Zookeepergame1298 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 23:57 ThrowRA_Masked Adding on Facebook?

I'm not sure if this comes across as a stupid question or not, but things on the Internet have changed so much over the last ten years that you never know until you ask someone else.
On one of the dating sites I visit, I recently came across this gorgeous girl who lives in my area. She's got a lot going for herself and I'd like to get to know her better.
The only problem: This particular dating site lures you in by allowing you to browse other singles, but you can't actually message anyone until you purchase a membership. I don't have the money to purchase a membership, but I'd really like to talk to this girl.
So, I did what any curious person does and I found this girl on Facebook. She's got a rather unique name, so it honestly took a second to find her, if that. I find people on Facebook all the time but I don't add them because it seems like it's kind of taboo these days to add people you don't know very well. This is in stark contrast to how things were back in high school, when most people at school would add each other and you'd have that type of connectivity. We've moved away from that in the adult working world, and it makes you feel like there's no way to get to know somebody because of that stigma of adding people you don't know.
So ladies, I need your opinion: Would adding this girl on Facebook with the intent of getting to know her be a bad move? I know it's considered taboo to do so in most cases, but what if it's the only avenue someone has to actually get to talk to someone they like?
submitted by ThrowRA_Masked to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 23:38 Dappleyard93 Arena Updates Nightmare

I must confess I don't play Arena much at all, largely due to not particularly enjoying the meta but once in a blue moon I think to myself 'I really just fancy a few quick games and a bit of background telly'
And on every single one of those sodding occasions the minute i click on the app I get a 1-2GB update. Then to top this off there's apparently a 2-3gb update to follow once I log in!? SERIOUSLY!?
I live in an area with about 20mb internet meaning these updates me for up to the next hour I won't be playing the app and often just give up, putting the problem off until the next time.

Why does this app not keep itself up to date? Why are there downloads behind the login?
agghghghghghghghg
submitted by Dappleyard93 to MagicArena [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 21:19 TheRealOne1_ [18 M] My messed up mind

So I was dumped from my first relationship (1.5 years long) this past summer. The fallout was pretty rocky and sooo tough for me. I'm doing much better now but I still think of what could have been every day.
I'm not writing this to vent, I need some legit advice. It's been 4 months and it's almost like I have love withdrawal. What I mean is that I almost obsessively crave romantic interaction again. Anything from kissing to cuddling, my brain just can't shake it. I've turned to internet sources and dating apps, but I never get matches (I wouldn't consider myself unattractive, maybe a 6-7/10 so idk why that is). These apps just leave me more sad. I really miss the feeling of being romantically loved and I don't know how to cope in the meantime while I'm single.
And yes, I've heard it all. Go to the gym, check. Hang out with the boys, check. Find new hobbies, check. I just can't shake the desire to be held yknow? It's weird too because there's one specific girl I know that is into me. But I am in no ways attracted to her. So like, while I crave these things, I'm not settling for anything less just to satisfy the itch.
My brain is just super messed up. Any insight would be greatly appreciated! How do I live single? How do I become content with not having a girlfriend? How do I come off as more attractive?
Thanks
submitted by TheRealOne1_ to dating [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 21:05 austingriffff (M26) I never got closure from a major past relationship and I’m stuck on that person (F26) and have been for a long time.

I don’t typically ask the internet for help with my personal life but the people of Reddit have always been good to me and there’s some insightful people on here.
This is kind of long but there needs to be background information for context. Well here we go I guess.
We were together for 4 years. 2012-2016ish. We were high school sweet hearts I suppose you’d call it. There were great times, good times, bad times, good memories and bad memories but overall it was good we loved each other. She was the most beautiful, gorgeous person I’ve ever met and still is and I just loved everything about her personally.
We had everything in common and the same interests and tastes. I was the first person she was ever with in any capacity and I felt special and honored to be that person, and for a long time I was the only person aside from one hiccup towards the end of our relationship. (Although now there’s evidence to suggest she wasn’t as faithful as I thought)
I loved and cared for her deeply, like she was my best friend, my life partner. And she told me and made me feel like she felt the same way. We were loveydovey lovers idk how else to put it, both the good and bad side of being lovers but I like to think mostly good. Anyways the point I’m Trying to make is that we were a big part of each other’s lives.
Unfortunately I had an on and off substance abuse problem. And as you can imagine that will put a strain on any relationship. Sometimes I’d be sober for well over a year other times it wasn’t as easy.
But despite my issues she stayed and was supportive and although sometimes she could get frustrated and upset, understandably, and would say and do mean things I never held it against her and she would do her best to help. I never stole from her or beat her up or cheated on her or did any of the shady stuff that typically accompanies drug use. Although there are plenty of things I did and decisions I made while using That I regret.
Eventually things took a nose dive. I fell into it deeper than I ever had before and it was rough. she either realized she couldn’t help or got fed up and She was distant during this time understandably so. Eventually I sought help and went to a facility for a short time and got sober again.
She started to see me again, we started spending time together and being together again. Things seemed to be going good. She assured me she was on board and wanted to be there and be something and that there wasn’t anyone or anything else I should be worried about.
I stayed at her house for a few days while her parents were out of town. We had fun, took a day trip, and had an enjoyable time with plenty of smiles and laughs. Her parents were getting into town later that day and we kissed goodbye and said I love you. We had plans to see each other in a few days and would be talking before then as usual.
I never saw or heard from her again after that day. After a few days I was worried something bad happened and confirmed through a mutual friend she was still alive. But I still never heard from her again.
About a week later I find out she’s sleeping with someone else and shortly after was in a new relationship.
I told her from day one all I wanted was for her to be happy, truly happy. Even if that meant being with someone else. Although this isn’t what I expected to have happen or how I imagined it would go down after so much time together.
Eventually people would show me things like a video of her on the internet bagging on me, talking about personal stuff like my troubles with drugs, and just generally ragging on me as a person. Which just hurt even more like getting kicked when I’m already down.
What I’m getting at is I never got any closure. Or answers. Nothing. Never had a single conversation or interaction about what happened and why after she disappeared. I think I know why she left. I think I know what happened. I think I know the reasons. but in reality I don’t it’s just me guessing. And frankly what happened and how it happened really sucks. And it haunts me tbh. I’m still stuck. I want to let go of it and be done but I can’t. And I’m not sure why And idk what to do.
I own the things I did wrong and the decisions I made. I know that substance abuse strained and contributed to the destruction of the relationship I cared about the most with the person who meant everything to me.
But she’s not blameless in this. Aside from ragging on me and my personal problems on an internet live stream, She did a lot of really just mean, spiteful, cruel fucked up shit to me over the course of our relationship together and afterwards and a lot of the time it was either uncalled for or for no reason at all.
An example? Having your girl come over and tell you about how last night she fucked some other dude and she let him nut in her mouth and then laugh in your face about it. I don’t know how you even respond to or process something like that. I think that will fuck with any dudes head and cut deep. And then a week later say she loves you but never apologize for any of it and dodges the topic whenever you try and bring it up. But I digress that’s not what I’m here to talk about.
Despite all sorts of shit like that I’m still stuck on this girl even though I don’t want to be.
It’s 4 years later and I still think about her almost everyday. I still think about our relationship and the things that happened and just the whole situation. I don’t want to think about this shit but I can’t help it.
Sometimes it keeps me up at night thinking about where it went wrong? What did I do wrong? What’s the 1 thing that I did that precipitated this, what was the last straw? what should I have done differently? What actions did I make that led to me deserving this outcome?
Sometimes I lay awake thinking about the good memories which ultimately just leads to more guilt and shitty feelings when it’s on my mind.
Over the years I’ve felt a litany of different emotions about the situation. Sadness, despair, grief, anger, hate, immense depression, self hate, guilt, disgust, frustration, and just so many other shitty things. It took me a while because it was just dropped on me like a nuke but I accepted the fact that it’s over, that she’s done with me and “us” and that my time with her is done. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed closure and be depraved of any answers or explanation.
I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to block it out. Which for a while after it happened meant going back to excessive substance abuse. And then I moved past that and tried to deal with it and block it out sober. For a while what happened threw me into a dark place but I got out of it and am doing better now in a lot of ways but I’m still stuck on her and what happened.
And idk how to move on like I feel like I need to get these answers or at least try and get some things off my chest and talk it out with her. I want to at least bury the hatchet and lay things to rest. Make amends.
2 years after ghosting me she hit me up, didn’t ask how I was or want to talk about anything but just used me to get something shipped to my house that she didn’t want her parents to see. She Wouldn’t even speak to me or hardly look at me when she came to get the item that was shipped and then ghosted me again. She knows I’m a sucker and will do just about anything for her. It sucks lol
I’ve tried reaching out to arrange some sort of meeting to bury the hatchet and say my piece and make amends but she’s mostly been unreceptive or outright unresponsive.
Recently in the last few weeks I’ve tried talking to her again to try and bury the hatchet and she says she won’t bury the hatchet because I lost an expensive shirt that she got me as a gift years ago. Couldn’t tell if she was just being sarcastic and playful tbh. But then she wouldn’t say much else after that so idfk.
Then a few days later she hits me up again. This time asking for me to get her pills. Says she’s in pain due to a medical condition and has no where else to go. Again she knows I’m a sucker and will do anything for her even after all this time and pain. She doesn’t ask how I’m doing or anything like that, just wanted to get the pills. And my biggest fear would be to see her get sucked into the same drug abuse that I did and to suffer through that. that’s the last thing I want to see.
I inevitably tell her I’ll help her but I say something along the lines of “these are the same drugs you shit all over me for, I don’t associate with this stuff anymore but I’ll help anyways for you. but now you refuse to drive and go get them with me cause your bf stayed home from work and you supposedly can’t leave your house now, even though the girl I know doesn’t let anyone control her movements or dictate what she can or can’t do, then you want me to go run around the other side of town doing your dirty work, and then after I give them to you you’re gonna ghost me again. I’m not a complete idiot. You can see how frustrating that is right?”
And her response was something like “I know it’s frustrating I’m sorry I just can’t go there cause My bf stayed home from work when he wasnt suppose to and he can’t know so I can’t be gone for that long. Sorry. I have changed a lot since 2017.”
Anyways I get the stuff and I go meet her and surprisingly talk with her for 10-15 mins. It’s kind of a “catching up” “what’s new” conversation and I do most the talking, errr pretty much all the talking, asking how she is, what’s new, how’s the family, etc. she didn’t ask me anything or say anything other than answering what I’m asking. Although she didn’t have too many great things to say about her current BF (different dude than The first guy she left me for I think) during our text and in person conversations.
I ask her if we can meet again somewhere so we can talk and lay some things to rest. Says she can’t hangout with me because of her bf but she won’t ghost me and will talk to me. I reiterate that we should really meet and talk again and then I leave. This was about a week ago.
We’ve texted a few times since then. During these text conversations she says she has a lot on her mind and is mostly evasive and unsurprisingly not too talkative. I asked her if she actually wants to talk to me and keep in touch or if she’s just saying she will talk to me to placate me and it’ll just be like talking to a brick wall. Trying to determine if she wants to talk to me or is just willing to tolerate talking to me so I’ll Fuck off eventually. She didn’t really have an answer.
The other day I text her again asking if we can meet and have a chat Just once. I said if she’s honest about it with her bf he shouldn’t have a problem with it because she’s being upfront about it, but if he really just can’t handle it well is it really any worse to meet me low key and talk about some stuff than it is to low key meet me to get drugs secretly without him knowing? I still haven’t gotten a response.
But why am I so stuck on this girl all these years later? Why can’t I truly move on. I doubt she had a hard time after she left me or suffered or really hurt after. I have the strangest feeling that she doesn’t have the same problem of being “stuck” on me or catch herself thinking about me very often if ever. it seemed like her life went on just fine. And based on the vibe I’ve gotten from her actions and my interactions with her Clearly she doesn’t really give a fuck about what’s going on with me or anything in my neck of the woods lol
she’s never hit me up to see how I’m doing or even asked how I’m doing when I talk to her or see her or said she hopes I’m doing good. she just uses me for whatever she needs and then disappears again. I think she thanked me for helping her the other day. But other than that she hasn’t had anything nice to say or do to me or even about me from what I’ve heard from other people. That just gives me the vibe of someone who could give a fuck less.
I just want to be able to sit down with her and have an honest conversation, there’s stuff I wanna make amends for, there’s things I feel like I want to apologize for, and I wanna get some closure and answers as well or at the very least say my piece and do what I need to do. And that would be enough for me to really lay things to rest and walk away.
I’ve seen and dated other people since then. I’ve tried to move on or just accept the unknown and the fact that I just may never know or get the answers I’m looking for but I still am just stuck. And the thought of being stuck like this forever scares me lol that sounds miserable. Like I don’t want to think about her or our situation or what happened I wanna leave that bullshit in the past.
There’s a quote from one of the only rappers I like, who I don’t even listen to anymore very often because it reminds me of her and memories I have with her. “Emotional luggage nothing of it, I don't check bags, I just carry on, leave that bullshit in the past” and that really speaks to me but I’m having trouble doing it.
Basically what I’m trying to ask is this: I never got closure from a past major relationship with someone i loved and I’m still stuck on that person and have been for a longtime. I don’t think she’s willing to have that closing conversation with me. But if she is how do I go about starting that conversation? And if she’s not where do I go from here? What do I do now and how do I get unstuck?
submitted by austingriffff to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 19:48 Throwra-287455 My (31F) boyfriend (38M) is hanging out with a friend without me.

I've been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years. We met on a dating app. In the 2 years we've known one another, I haven't been introduced to a single friend or family member of his, by reason of "I dont have any friends who live nearby for you to meet". Fair enough, we're both shy and generally socialize over the internet. He says that his digital friends know about me.
So out of the blue yesterday, he texted me "Hey, friend (30sM) is going to be in town this next week". I thought to myself heck yes! I can finally meet a real friend of his. But his text continued "would you mind watching my dog while he's over? I'll drop the dog off the day before friend gets here"
I was sort of crushed. I asked him if maybe I could pick up his dog so I could meet his friend. He said "no no, thats ok, I can drop the dog off, wouldn't want to make you drive all that way". I tried to ask again if maybe I could come over for one night during the week he's here, I could pick up food and we could have a meal together. My boyfriend thanked me but said its alright, he'd prefer this to be male bonding time, and that they plan on just reliving college by playing video games and being slobs all week.
I'm really kind of hurt by this. I dont suspect he's hiding anything, but I'm bummed that I finally have a chance to meet a friend of his and I'm just taking the role of unseen dog-sitter. Am I taking this too personally?
TLDR - never met any of my boyfriends friends in the 2 years we've been together. A friend is finally coming in from out of town, and my boyfriend doesn't want to introduce me to him and instead asked me to watch his dog while they spend a week having bro-time.
submitted by Throwra-287455 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 19:16 OscarTheTrap When I was 18...

When I was 18... 18 years old, I saw for the first time in my life... I saw an image of clarity. I saw a comic strip... a three panel comic strip that, though simple as it seemed, changed me... changed my being, changed who I am... Made me who I am...
Enlightened me...
The strip, Garfield, the comic strip was new... no more than maybe a month and a half since inception, since... since coming into existence... and there it was before me in print, I saw it... a comic strip... What was it called?
Garfield.
The story here is of a man, a plain man. He is Jon, but he is more than that... I will get to this later, but first let us say that he's Jon, a plain man.
And then there is a cat... Garfield.
This is the nature of the world, here. When I see the world, the politics, the future, the... the satellites in space, and... the people who put them there...
You can look at everything as a man and a cat... two beings, in harmony and at war...
So, this strip I saw; this man, Jon, and the cat, Garfield, you see...
Yes... hmm...
It is about everything. This... little comic is, oh, lo and behold... not so little anymore.
So yes, when I was 18, I saw this comic... and it hit me all at once, its power. I clipped it, and every day, I looked at it, and I said "Okay... let me look at this here. What is this doing to me? Why is this so powerful?"
Jon Arbuckle, he sits here, legs crossed... comfortable in his home, and he reads his newspaper... The news of the world, perhaps... and then he extends his fingers lightly, delicately... he taps his fingers on an end table, and he feels for something...
What is it? It is something he needs, but it is not there.
And then he looks up, slightly cockeyed, and he thinks... His newspaper's in his lap now, and he thinks this...
Now where could my pipe be?
This... I always come to this, because I was a young man... I'm older now, and I still don't have the secrets, the answers, so this question still rings true, Jon looks up and he thinks...
Now where could my pipe be?
And then it happens... You see it, you see... it's almost like divine intervention, suddenly it is there, and it overpowers you...
A cat is smoking a pipe.
It is the man's pipe, it's Jon's pipe, but the cat... this cat, Garfield, is smoking the pipe... and from afar, and someplace near, but not clear... near but not clear... The man calls out... Jon calls out, he is shocked. "Garfield!" he shouts.
Garfield. The cat's name.
But, let's take a step back... let us examine this from all sides, all perspectives... and when I first came across this comic strip, I was at my father's house... a newspaper had arrived, and I picked it up for him, and brought it inside.
I organized its sections for him and then, yes, the comic strip section fell out from somewhere in the middle, and landed on the kitchen floor... I picked up the paper pages and saw, up somewhere near the top of this strip... just like Jon, I was wearing an aquamarine shirt.
So I thought, "Ah, interesting. I'll have to see this later." I snipped out the little comic, and held on to it... and five days later, I reexamined it... and it gripped me, I needed to find out more about this. The information I had was minimal, but enough...
An orange cat named Garfield...
Okay, that seemed to be the lynchpin of this whole operation, yes. Another clue... a signature in the bottom right corner, a man's name...
Jim Davis.
Yes, I'm on to it for sure.
So... one: Garfield, orange cat, and two: Jim Davis, the creator of this cat...
And that curiously plain man.
I did not know, at the time, that his name was Jon. This strip, you see, had no mention of this man's name, and I'd never seen it before.
But I had these clues; Jim Davis, Garfield.
And then I saw more, I spotted the tiny copyright mark in the upper left corner. Copyright 1978 to... what is this? Copyright belongs to a... PAWS Incorporated...
I use the local library and mail services to track down the information I was looking for...
Jim Davis, a cartoonist, had created a comic strip about a cat, Garfield... and a man, Jon Arbuckle. Well, from that point on, I made sure I read the Garfield comic strips, though as I read each one, as each day passed... the strips seemed to resonate with me less and less...
I sent letters to PAWS Incorporated, long letters, pages upon pages... asking if Mister Jim Davis could somehow publish just the one comic, over and over again... "It would be meditative," I wrote, "the strength of that."
Could you imagine?
But... no response... The strips lost their power, and eventually I stopped reading, but... I did not want my perceptions diluted, so I vowed to read the pipe strip over and over again... That is what I call it, "The Pipe Strip."
The Pipe Strip.
Everything about it is perfect. I can only describe it as a miracle creation, something came together... the elements aligned... It is like the comets, the cosmic orchestra that is up there over your head... The immense, enormous void is working all for one thing, to tell you one thing...
Gas and rock, and purity, and nothing.
I will say this... When I see the pipe strip... and I mean every single time I look at the lines, the colors, the shapes that make up the three panel comic...
I see perfection.
Do I find perfection in many things?
Some things, I would say... Some things are perfect... and this is one of them. I can look at the little tuft of hair on Jon Arbuckle's head... it is the perfect shade... The purple pipe in Garfield's mouth... How could a mere mortal even MAKE this?
I have a theory, about Jim Davis...
After copious research and, yes, of course, now we have the internet, and this information is all readily available, but...
Jim Davis, he used his life experiences to influence his comic...
Like I mentioned before, none of them seem to have the weight of the pipe strip... But you have to wonder about the man who is able to even, just once, create the perfect form, a literally flawless execution of art, brilliance! Just as in a ward... I think there is a spiritual element at work...
I've seen my share of bad times and... when you have something... Well, it's just... emotions, and neurons in your brain, but... something tells you that it's the truth...
Truth's radiant light.
Garfield, the cat? Neurons in my brain, it's... it's harmony, you see? It... Jon and Garfield, it's truly harmony, like a... continuous, looping, everlasting harmony... The lavender chair, the brown end table, the salmon-colored wall, the fore's green carpeting, Garfield is hunched, perched... perhaps with the pipe stuck firmly between his jowls... His tail curls around. It's more than shapes too, because... I...
Okay, stay with me... I've done this experiment several times.
You take the strip. You trace only the basic elements. You can do anything, you can simplify the shapes down to just... blobs, just outlines, but it still makes sense...
You can replace the blobs with magazine cutouts of other things, replace Jon Arbuckle with a... car parked in a driveway sideways, cut that out of a magazine, stick it in... Replace him there in the second panel with a... a food processor... Okay, and then we put a picture of the planet in the third panel over Garfield...
It still works.
These are universal proportions. I don't know... how best to explain why it works, I've studied the pipe strip, and analyzed Jon and Garfield's proportions against several universal mathematical constants.
E, Pi, the Golden Ratio, the Feigenbaum Constants, and so on... and it's surprising... scary even, how things align. You can take just... tiny pieces of the pipe strip, for instance, take Jon's elbow from the second panel... and take that, and project it back over Jon's entire shape in the second panel, and you'll see a near perfect Fibonacci sequence emerge...
It's eerie to me... and it makes you wonder if you're in the presence of a deity, if there is some larger hand at work...
There's no doubt in my mind that Jim Davis is a smart man...
Jim Davis is capable of anything to me... He is remarkable, but this is so far beyond that, I think we might see that... this work of art is revered and respected in years to come.
Jim Davis is possibly a new master of the craft, a... a genius of the eye; they very well may say the same things about Jim Davis in five hundred years that we say about the great philosophical and artistic masters from centuries ago... Jim Davis is a modern day Socrates, or... Da Vinci... mixing both striking visual beauty with classical, daring, unheard-of intellect...
Look, he combines these things to make profoundly simple expressions...
This strip is his masterpiece... The Pipe Strip is his masterpiece... and it is a masterpiece and a marvel...
I often look at Garfield's... particular pose, in this strip. He is poised, and statuesque... and his cat stare is reminiscent of the fiery gazes often found in religious iconography... But still, his eyes are playful, lying somewhere between the solemn father's expression in... Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son," and the coy smirk of Da Vinci's "Saint John The Baptist".
His ears stick up, signifying a peaked readiness... It's as if he could, at any moment, pounce; he is, after all, a close relative and descendant of the mighty jungle cats of Africa that could leap... after prey. You could see the power drawn into Garfield's hind quarters, powerful haunches indeed.
The third panel.
And I'm just saying this now, this is just coming to me now... The third panel of the pipe strip is essentially a microcosm for the entire strip itself... All the power dynamics, the struggle for superiority, right?
WHO has the pipe? WHERE is the pipe? All of that is drawn, built, layered into Garfield's iconic pose here. You can see it in the curl of his tail... Garfield's ear whiskers stick up, on end, the smoke billows, upward... drawing the eye upward... increasing the scope...
I'm just... amazed... really, that after 33 years of reading, and analyzing the same comic strip, I'm able to find new dimensions. It's a testament to the work...
For six years, I delved into tobacco research, because... can a cat smoke? This is a metaphysical question... Yes, can any cat smoke? Do we know? Can just Garfield smoke?
The research says no. Nicotine poisoning can kill animals, especially household pets. All it takes is the nicotine found in as little as a single cigarette.
Surely, Jon's pipe hold a substantial amount of tobacco, and it is true that pets living in the homes of smokers are nearly 25% more likely to develop some form of cancer... most likely due to secondhand smoke... but these are facts of smoking, its tolls on our world.
But after visiting two tobacco processing plants in Virginia... and the Phillip Morris cigarette manufacturing facility, I came no closer to cracking the meaning. I was looking for any insight. A detective of a homicide case has to look at every angle, so I'm always taking apart the pipe strip. I focused on every minutiae, every detail of this strip.
Jon Arbuckle's clothing... I have replicas. I'm an expert in textiles... so, you see, this smoking thing was a hang-up for me... but it was the statement here... until...
This is key, this is the breakthrough.
The pipe is not a pipe, really.
Obviously there is symbolism at work here... I saw that from the beginning, and I looked at the literal aspects of the strip to gain insight into the metaphors at play... I worked at a newspaper printing press for eighteen months, in the late 1980's... I was learning the literal to inform the gestural... the subliteral, the in-between...
Jon reading this newspaper means so much more than just... Jon reading the newspaper... but how could you ever hope to decipher the puzzle without knowing everything there is to know about newspapers?!
Okay... for example... Jon holds his newspaper up with his left hand, thumb gripping the interior. I learned that this particular grip here was the newspaper grip of nineteenth century aristocrats... and this aristocrat grip was a point of contention that influenced the decision to move forward with prohibition... in the United States, in the early twentieth century!
So Jon's hand position is much more than that, it... it is a comment on class war... and the resulting reactionary culture... but I didn't know about the aristocratic newspaper grip until I came across some microfiche archives at the printing press.
It's about information. You have to take it apart.
...and the breakthrough on the smoking cat came late... just eight years ago, actually. "Smoking cat" is an industry term. It's what the smoking industry calls a tattletale teenager who tells on his friends after they've all tried smoking for the first time... and it is actually a foreign translation, bastardization of the term "smoking rat"... But the phrase was confused when secret documents went back and forth between China and America...
These documents are still secret, and the only reason I know about the term is because I know a man, my friend. Let's call him "Timothy," yeah... yes, it's a fake name, for his protection. Timothy worked for Phillip Morris for sixteen years, and he had seen the documents... and when he told me, it was an Aha moment... and he said, "But how? How could this cartoonist, Jim Davis, know about this... obscure term from the mid-70's, used exclusively by a few cigarette companies!?"
This is still a mystery to me... but I connect the dots by noting Jim Davis' childhood experiences on a farm. He must have seen something...
What could it be?
Timothy went on to tell me there was one particular smoking cat, a boy, from... yes, Indiana, a boy named Ernie Barguckle, who became a thorn in the side of the tobacco companies for a couple of years... He did more than tattle to his parents; he and his family took legal action, and they eventually received a huge settlement payout...
But that name is too similar... Ernie Barguckle...
Jon Arbuckle.
Jim Davis must have used this.
There's more here. Ernie Barguckle spent nearly half of that settlement money on experimental medical procedures to cure his... impotence. He was impotent.
So... he was a smoking cat with a... a metaphorical pipe, that did not work... Are you starting to see the layers here? This is exciting stuff, you start to get a whole picture here, and it informs the work! It's... it's just remarkable.
Jim Davis took these raw ideas, these... pieces, and he transformed them into smart social commentary that is... all so ravishingly beautiful.
I have cried.
I've cried, I've cried... I've cried, cried over this piece. It just... gets in my soul.
I try to explain this to people, I have... the newspaper articles about Ernie Barguckle... People have fought me on this, they don't see it, or they're close-minded, "How could a comic strip about a cat smoking a pipe mean any more than that?"
But it is more... and when I feel spiritual, or start to think existentially, I still see this comic.
Here's something from 1981 that I wrote in thinking about the implications of this strip; this is just an excerpt here... there's more before and after, but this part is the essence to me... If a comic about a cat smoking a pipe can be the only thing in the universe... then maybe this is the strongest evidence for that.
fumbles with tattered sheet from 1981
"Many of you say, 'Oh, but I am not blind. I have never been blind,'... But when you truly see, you will understand just how truly blind you once were to even think it right to say you were not blind.
What does a blind man see?
Blackness. Darkness. Blankness. Blank darkness. Dark blankness.
The absence of things, quite literally NO thing. No things. Nothings.
So, you see nothing, and I bring you into the light. A cat has your pipe! You've been blind, do you understand this!?
The cat has your pipe.
You can't fully immerse yourself, you don't have the light. You don't have the radiance, the radical light, the radically radiant light of truth and truth's belonging love, and nature of light, and loving truthful radiance.
Let's see here... Oh yes, I must bring this up, because I think, surely, Jim Davis is again speaking on multiple levels by including the details set before us in the comic.
Notice the glimpse of Jon Arbuckle's foot in the first panel. The size of the shoe would indicate that maybe the man just has small feet... but a deeper investigation takes us to the footbinding rituals of certain Asian cultures. Inflicted usually on women for the desire of men, this practice was incredibly painful and crippling...
Aha! Mister Davis is, here, presenting us with a man, or rather... "man", who engages in footbinding, a body modification for women, on top of "being without his pipe"... or impotent. This is a man facing extreme inner turmoil, the panels tell that story... subconsciously.
Notice the background wall shading of the first panel points inward toward Jon in the second panel... and the sharp tapered end of the purple pipe in the third frame also points at John in the second panel, inward; the eye is drawn to the center panel. You can connect these points and draw a triangle across the panels, and this triangle will align with the reoriented points of Jon's collar! This, this is majestic artwork!
...and to uncover this hidden order is... bliss like I've never known.
Comforting, in an empty world.
I can't help but read the thought bubble, over and over again.
Now where could my pipe be? It is a profound question.
Why am I here? What is my purpose? It is reflection and self-examination here. It is facing the dust, the misery of a cold, careless universe. You can feel the weight of it.
But where could my pipe be?
One imagines the author, Jim Davis, teetering on the edge of insanity... his rationality, his lucidity, hovering over the void... and he seeks the truth.
You can see it in the line quality of the drawings; the thoughtful, controlled outlines mixed with the... occasional, chaotic scribbles at work in the shadows and Garfield's dark stripes.
It's almost as if Garfield is chaos himself.
Yes, he is the embodiment of chaos, disorder, hatred, fear... Thievery, death, destruction, desolation!
These are the things Garfield represents; HE stole the pipe, HE sits with his back to Jon, Garfield... Garfield, this chaos cat, Garfield has turned his back on everything, everyone!
One recalls the great existential forces in literature... Camus' Meursalt, Kafka's Gregor Samsa, or Sartre's Antoine Roquentin... Garfield the Cat sees the hopelessness of life, which...ah, yes...
This is why Jim Davis has chosen smoking. It represents a recklessness, a... a disregard for what some would define as the beauty of life. Garfield may die from the nicotine, he may not... He defies life; he sits defiant, saying nothing, but looking as if he could say... "Then let me die... it does not matter."
It does not matter.
...and we are faced with this; Could Jon behave the same? Is Jon the glimmer of hope?
He seems to be unsure. Again, his question... "Now where could my pipe be?" indicates that he is wrestling with his own existence. The center panel centers the issue, and again, this hearkens to many of the great religious works of art.
I'm talking about the Pipe Strip in relation to religion. It's... it's interesting to assign the roles of God... and anti-God, or, as many know him to be, the devil... or on a much larger scale, simply the forces of... good and evil. Garfield, the thief-cat, evil and malicious... He is the devil, placed to the right... and note, the two forms of Jon; the Jon on the left, still innocent, still draped in the... delight, of the lack of knowledge. He is... the humans in the Garden of Eden. He feels for his pipe... but he has yet to eat from the tree... and Garfield, the sinister serpent... and notice, notice how Jim Davis has framed this... The center Jon is locked in a struggle, between his innocence, and his knowledge of the truth... knowledge of the existence of evil.
It is stunning. The great struggle, the struggle that transcends time... and Jim Davis floats over all this, as creator... the God, of sorts, in his own right.
... and he presents this cautionary message to us all; it is as if he is speaking from high and... he is saying, unto our awaiting ears...
Where will you be, when the cat reveals himself? [-Jim 7:27:78]
I can tell you where you'll be. You will have a choice; you can face endless suffering, and eternal misery... You can be forced and beaten down with barbarians, who claw at each other just for a view of salvation. They'll tear your eyeballs out, and rip your gizzards from end to end. They worship this cat, this... this false idol! This evil, horrible cat, do not be seduced by the cat and the pipe!
Garfield... thy name is a mark of the demons of hell. Something like this, and to those listening, it is a stark reminder to follow the path of the first panel Jon; be humble, be grateful, honor the law, and honor thyself. Be true, and be good, and no harm will come to you... Pray for salvation, and it will be granted unto you. Be like Jon Arbuckle, as he lowers his head. Be like Jon Arbuckle as he lowers his paper, as he turns his head. Bow with Jon Arbuckle, and praise unto the creator, Jim Davis... and banish demon Garfield from your life.
So, what is all this? What am I saying? Aha... hmm... What does all this mean? Why is this one comic strip so important to me... and why do I feel the need to share this?
Obligation. I have an obligation to you all. This is a redemption, this is a belief in redemption, a sacrifice of all the obvious trappings of this false modern life.
Look at the simplicity in this strip, in the pipe strip. Look at the simple clothes Jon wears, look at his simple, basic furniture... No adornments on the wall, even the very pipe his cat Garfield stole; it is a plain, modest pipe... and I have adapted this way of life, it speaks to me.
In our times... well... you don't need me to point out the hyperbole of our times; you have children being born eight or nine at a time, you have more money being spent on a single Hollywood movie than some nations can spend... feeding their starving people. Torture, distrust... Look around you, it's overwhelming.
You are a statue. You are fragile... and when you break, when you shatter... Where will those pieces go?
Ask... ask, ask, ask this question. Will you ask?
Humankind is only as great as you, YOU, the individual, it begins and ends with you! You must treat this expedition, this search, this... life, with a reverence and intensity found only in the smallest sticks. The littlest leaf, the tiniest stone! The most miniscule grain of sand... on a beach of billions!
This is the secret.
Do you want the pipe?
Do you want to know where the pipe has gone?
You ask yourself, you ask... you ask...
Now where could my pipe be?
I was much like Jon Arbuckle. In this middle panel, he says, "Now where could my pipe be?"... you could look into his eyes, his half-lowered eyes, and think to yourself... "Now, surely, Jon... Surely, you cannot be this naive... This is nothing new for you..."
...but spirituality is not an easy thing to confront. You might find yourself able to wrap your mind around a simple math problem, or a basic newspaper article, or... but intellect... is much less subjective.
What is spirituality... and how have I found spiritual peace and serenity in Garfield?
A long time ago, after I encountered the Pipe Strip... I spent some time, as I mentioned before, soul-searching. When something impacts you, or alters your very perception so greatly, there is a long period of confusion, recovery time...
It's as if you don't know who you are, and that can be a... a very scary prospect, especially if you thought you had a good grasp on that sort of thing.
Imagine if Jim Davis did not know who he was. Would he be capable of shaping the cultural landscape as he's done?
No. No, of course he wouldn't.
...and how about his characters? Jon... what if Jim Davis suddenly woke up, and didn't know who Jon was? What if he couldn't make the informed decisions to accurately depict Garfield's personality, because of... he could no longer specify, or demarcate the boundaries of Garfield's behavior?
What kind of comic would THAT be? You see?
So draw the parallel. I saw this comic and, yes, I was disoriented... and if I didn't reconcile this issue with myself, what kind of person would I be?
Undoubtedly dire circumstances, but remember; this was not a math problem, this was not an article, this was not something I could just... figure out... and as skeptical as I was, I realized that faith and spirituality were avenues that... required exploring.
At first I tried... long nights, reading Garfield by candlelight, or... aromatic meditation settings, while thinking of Garfield, but... nothing snapped. Nothing clicked, I still felt lost... but I kept it up, I hired a shaman, and a young... personal Yogi Sikh Guru; Avram Dahb Singh Sahib. I pushed and pushed, determined to find myself.
And then, a miracle happened.
Upon retrieving my morning paper, to clip the Garfield comic... I noticed a young girl, selling lemonade two houses down. She sat, occupied at her stand. She had no customers in sight.
So, I approached, and saw that she was coloring. I looked at her drawing...
Three rectangular boxes.
A man, in a blue shirt. An orange cat.
I knew what this was. Even in her crude scribbles, I knew EXACTLY what this was.
She was drawing a Garfield comic.
I looked at her words, and I saw that, in her strip, Jon asked Garfield to retrieve a newspaper. Heh, funny... since I'd done just that with myself... Garfield is sarcastic, but agrees to. He returns and calls Jon... "Sahib".
Jon exclaims that the paper's all chewed up, but then Garfield says, and I quote, "Sahib asks fish, paper is wet. Sahib asks cat, paper is holey." I remember the words, and ran back to my house, and thought, "How odd that Sahib shows up in the strip, and my spiritual advisor's name is Avram Dahb Singh Sahib!”
Next morning, I retrieved my paper again, and I clipped the Garfield comic. The date was July 12th, 1983.
There it was. So, I ran right out of my house, I ran back to where she was... but she was gone, and in place of the lemonade stand was a "For Sale" sign.
They'd moved out.
I rushed back to my house to call Avram, but... I was informed that he'd moved away as well. I reeled, for several hours, and then it all connected for me.
It was meant to be. It w... it was meant to be this way! Jim Davis... Jon, Garfield... It was always meant to be this way for me.... They move to the forefront, and everything else fades away, EVERYTHING else; the girl, the lemonade stand, Avram Dahb Singh Sahib, it all existed to show me the way, and when I'd found the way...
Everything else melted away.
It was a beautiful miracle... and if July 27th, 1978, the day I first saw the pipe strip... was the first day of my life, then that day, July 12th, 1983, was the second day of my life.
I've never looked back. Garfield has transformed me... and I am a man, born anew, because of Garfield.
When I was in my mid-thirties, I was interviewed for a documentary... It was a documentary on the subject of cat behavior. Now, I've had cats my whole life; I have three cats now, and at the time of this documentary interview, I had four cats. I sat down for the interview and was joined by a veterinarian who specialized in felines: Doctor Caroline Wellmitz was her name, I believe... and the doctor discussed colorblindness in animals, and how it affects their behavior.
She specifically brought up the fact that cats are red-green colorblind; they can see colors, but they can't tell the difference between red and green ...and look at the color choice in this strip here.
Garfield sits on a green floor, behind a pinkish red wall.
I heard this, and I immediately pulled a copy of the comic from my wallet to show to the doctor... I moved so fast, I'm sure I nearly scared her, I... pointed at the paper and said, "Like this! Like this! Look, at this here! This cat, Garfield, he's colorblind, he must be! That must be the answer here... like this."
As over-excited as I was, I managed to take in her response; she said "Yes, a cat in this room would have a hard time differentiating the wall from the floor. Add to that a cat's known spatial confusion, and you have the makings of a Cat Rage room." Now, she informed me that this isn't exactly common knowledge among cat owners... but a seasoned cat owner, or someone particularly perceptive will have picked up on it.
It is established here that Garfield is in a rage; an ultimate rage of fury and hatred, caused by colorblindness. We know the "what", we know the "why"... but let us examine the "how", the how of his rage is particularly interesting here.
We've looked at his posture and called it "powerful", "in control", "statuesque", "etc., etc." Composed rage... It's peculiar, and I've talked to a number of psychologists and psychiatrists, and even a couple of anger management therapists about this concept...
Could we see the same kind of behavior in a human? Is Garfield representative of something more specific than just chaos and rage? Deciphering this is going to take some perseverance. for sure.
The psychologists pointed to a phenomenon in humans, and, yes, I believe one of the anger management counselors brought it up as well. The idea that people, oftentimes, will bottle their rage... Garfield the cat, here... well, he could be bottling his anger, inside, shoving it deep into his cat gut, to ignore and deal with at a later time.
Eh, well... No, that's not exactly right. Garfield has already acted out, he's already stolen the pipe... he's SMOKING the pipe, he's already dealt with his anger. He's already lashed out, so, psychologically, what is going on here? What is this cat doing, and how does it impact his owner, Jon Arbuckle... psychologically?
Well, Garfield is angry. He is acting on his anger... but is this passive anger, or aggressive anger?
Passive. It is passive because if Garfield has a problem with Jon specifically... he's choosing a passive way of dealing with that problem. He has not confronted Jon, and said, "Jon, I have a problem with the way you've decorated this room; as a cat, I am colorblind, and this room sends me into a rage... You've created a rage room for me here, and I don't like it; I want you to change it."
Instead of that confrontational approach, though, Garfield has chosen to steal Jon's pipe... and that, in turn, angers Jon... but Jon decides to be aggressively angry, and yell at Garfield, so... now, instead of a calm conversation between two respectful parties, you have two... heated, angry individuals, each with a problem and no direct line to solving it.
The layered emotions here tell a story with tight, focused brevity that would make Hemingway weep. This is an entire drama, in just three panels, people.
Again, the transition, from set-up to punchline takes place between the second and third panels... but make no mistake, the comic is more than just a comic... Yes, it IS funny, of course it is... it is operating at the height of sophisticated humor, on par with any of Shakespeare's piercing wit.
On the one hand, Garfield the comic, with Jon the man, humor as art... the other hand, Garfield comic, with Jon the man, stirring... no, RIVETING drama... as with everything, it is tension, and release. TENSION... and RELEASE...
A cycle.
I keep returning to this idea, because it is so omnipresent. Yes, you could... and yes, I have done this, on more than one occasion... you could print this comic strip on a giant piece of paper. The dimensions would be something like... thirty-four inches by eleven inches.
Now, tape the ends together, with the comic facing inward. Stick your head in the middle of this Garfield comic loop and READ, start at the first panel; Jon is reading the newspaper... he feels for something on the end table.
Second panel; he sets the newspaper down, something is not right...
"Where could my pipe be?" he thinks.
...and then, the payoff; the third panel, Garfield has Jon's pipe, and is smoking it.
But, aha! The paper is in a loop, around your head... so that you can see that, once again, Jon is in his seat, reading the paper... and so on, and so on, you can literally read the comic strip for an eternity!
I spent many a relaxing Sunday afternoon reading this strip, over and over... reminded of the Portuguese death carvings, which always begin and end with the same scrawled image.
So, this idea of repetition, of the beginning being the end, and the end being the beginning... It's not new, it is an ageless tradition among the best storytellers humanity has ever offered... and I'm not wrong to include cartoonist Jim Davis in that exalted set for this particular strip alone
I'm not foolish enough to deny that great art is subjective... divisive, even, and that some people see this Garfield comic and shrug with no real reaction... but I will say that I believe everyone in the world should see it; at the very least, see it!
You should all see it. Read it. Spend some time with it. Spend an hour reading it... what's an hour? Yes, you could watch some television program, you could play some fast-paced video games or computer games, yes, you could do all those things...
But it's just an hour... and if you give this strip a chance, if you look into Jon Arbuckle's eyes... if you look into Jon Arbuckle's SOUL...
You might find that you'll really be looking into your own soul.
It is self discovery, that is what I'm talking about here... YOU have the opportunity, the possibility... it could change you. Don't be afraid.
I think it's important to view the Pipe Strip in philosophical terms... We've touched briefly on the notion of existentialism; that theme is very prevalent in this strip. Garfield is, in fact, a modern existential anti-hero... but if Garfield embodies the bewilderment in a meaningless life, what is Jon? What are the telltale signs that inform Jon's philosophical standpoint? His approach, what style of thinking he represents?
Jon is depicted as being grounded in the material world... a world of things; he is surrounded by objects, and he touches these objects, he interacts with them. The newspaper, the end table, the chair... his clothes, all these physical things make up Jon's world. In some sense, even his cat Garfield is an object to him, a thing...
The first ideology that comes to mind when thinking of objects in the tangible world... is pragmatism... Is Jon Arbuckle a pragmatist? His beliefs stem from a useful, coherent view of his environment... a sort of cause-and-effect understanding of his world helps him.
A: Deduce that his pipe is missing... and B: Catches his cat, Garfield, using the pipe.
This kind of empirical and logical thinking lends credence to the idea that Jon is, indeed, a pragmatist... Although, it is hard to entirely ignore the rest of the Garfield comic canon.
While Garfield is consistently anarchic, and embraces the chaos and absurdity of life... Jon Arbuckle exhibits an erratic, unpredictable mix of philosophical behaviors. At times, he is borderline; delusional, an idealist, an almost slap-happy version of Don Quixote. Other moments, he is rigid, nearly to the point of being obsessive... somewhat like a structuralist, and certainly has streaks of sarcasm and negativity that might classify him as a skeptic.
...But isn't there some universal truth in this approach? How can any one man, how can Jon Arbuckle be just one thing? How can any of us be just one thing? We're... an amalgamation of ideas, of emotions... conducts and functions, thoughts and feelings... Jon Arbuckle may very well inhabit tenets of nearly every major philosophical tract known to man.
“Now where could my pipe be?”
Jon does not speak this question aloud, so Jim Davis is also exploring the mind/body duality... Jon's question operates on the level of a literal question... but it also examines the nature of reality. Jim Davis' epistemological approach tells us something about the human condition; Jon's thoughts remain the focal point of this strip.
The comic is, quite literally, centered around his thought.
"Now where could my pipe be?"
This is his reality, this is where cognition, and the power and function of the mind take over. As Plato believed, the body is just a shell for Jon Arbuckle; yes, he can use his physical body to read his paper or cross his legs, but these inputs of touch, sight, hearing, et cetera, these senses are the triggers of the mind, as we see here, the mind... is something greater. It is the originator of ideas, and ideas are forever. Immortal.
Immortality through thought, a... a major theme in literature and philosophy...
...and isn't that what Mister Jim Davis himself has achieved?
Will he live forever?
submitted by OscarTheTrap to teenagers [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 18:38 yyuzuuuu My ex (21M) and I (21F) are breaking up due to circumstance, but we still want to be friends -- how do we make this transition? And does anyone have any success stories to help boost my morale?

tl;dr -- Ex (21M) and I (21F) dated for about 10 months, were good friends for about a year before that, and suddenly split up because we're thinking about our post-graduation careers (not at all a toxic relationship or a bad split; we're both in love with each other still and could both imagine marrying each other). How can we make the transition back to being friends smoothly? And do you have any success stories?
THE FULL STORY:
This is perhaps not your standard "we're breaking up but want to stay friends" story because I think a lot of people do that as a security blanket. He and I started out as friends first, we share a core friend group, and I'd say that he's actually my best friend in college (not in the "my partner is my best friend" way, in the way that we trust each other more than we trust anyone else and we just vibed amazingly well, even before the romantic interest started bubbling up).
The 10 months that we dated were amazing. We had 1 month together in person before doing 6 months of long distance (school went remote, he and I live more than a thousand miles apart, and then we spent our summers in our hometowns and the pandemic made in-person visits not an option), and then we got an apartment with some other friends for school this term, so we basically went from long distance to moving in together in a very short span of time.
Normally, you'd expect some problems to come up. Incompatibilities in lifestyle, stresses from suddenly adjusting to life 24/7 together, something. And sure, there were a few arguments, but none that went unresolved, and all that were addressed with thoughtful consideration (we grew a lot from these and implemented the changes in our relationship, and ended up happier for it). But no incompatibilities.
We were both so, so happy. I was perhaps the happiest I've ever been in my life -- this relationship was healthy, we both were growing, we supported each other through all the craziness of doing remote school in a pandemic away from home (and passive aggressive housemates to boot!).
And then, the night before we had to leave, he brought up something that I'd also thought about. He's starting his job in his hometown; I don't know where I'll be after graduation since my industry doesn't start hiring until spring. Probability favors me not ending up in his hometown since there aren't many jobs in my industry there (or there are, but not the ones that I want). And he's kind of locked into his job for the next 2-3 years, so unless I choose to move across the country, that would be 2-3 years of long distance.
I said we could do long distance. We'd done it for 6 months already, after all, but then he pointed out that his job involves 80-90 hrs/week and mine would also take crazy hours (not as many hours, maybe, but very sporadic and generally unpredictable), so finding the time to do our Facetime dates would be hard if not impossible (especially given the time difference!), and he said he didn't want us to grow apart and start to resent each other because we're both busy.
Those were good points. Also, we're young. We're 21, we haven't been Real Adults yet, and he doesn't want us to regret making big sacrifices for each other (there have already been small sacrifices -- I changed my diet to match his because of his religious dietary restrictions out of practicality) and never spending the time to grow as individuals in our early 20s. This would give us more freedom to just worry about what's best for our own careers and for our families (we're both the oldest in our families) without having to compromise for a partner. I wanted to keep dating through spring term, but he said he doesn't want to be sad about breaking up at graduation. Which is fair.
So it's over, although we've agreed that we'll check in 3 years from now and if we're both single and conditions are more favorable (and our amazing chemistry is still there!), we could get back together. We still want to be friends, because it would be a waste to throw away what was a strong friendship even before we started dating, but it hurts so much that we're not together and that I won't get to spend my early 20s with him by my side because I know that we could get married and spend our lives together and everything would be wonderful. We spent the last 3 months in a small apartment and were together pretty much all the time and never got bored, and that's exactly what I want in my future.
We're not taking a break for 3 years. We're going to just live our lives independently for 3 years; dating isn't prohibited, but I honestly think I may not date for the next couple years. He's always going to be the person I measure everyone else up against, and since we're making this change so that we can both focus on our careers and personal development anyway, I just want to focus on kicking ass at work and becoming the best person I can be.
Any advice on how to make the transition back to friends would be appreciated! We're going no contact for a week to give ourselves some time to heal / reset / not cry the next time we call each other and this might be the hardest thing I've ever done. I know a week is short, but we haven't gone that long without talking since, like, when we first met.
Success stories from similar situations would also be appreciated! I'm kind of heartbroken and know this is probably the wise thing to do, but it still hurts a lot and I could use the morale. I know I shouldn't be giving myself false hope but he and I both believe that if it's meant to be, it'll be. But the internet is full of stories about exes with bad breakups reconnecting or staying friends and it going sour, but I'm optimistic because there's no bad blood here and I have nothing but love and respect for him, and vice versa.
submitted by yyuzuuuu to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 17:58 closetredditer Aftaid of ending up alone [27 F]

Hey guys, I don't know how to word this but Idk I guess just talking about it on the internet might help 🤷🏽‍♀️
I got out of a horrible emotionally abusive relationship not too long ago. Since then i've been trying to talk to more guys and go on dates. It's not working, and I feel completely alone like i'll be single forever. Keep comparing myself to other people my age, who are married and committed. While i'm just single and it makes me feel less than. Like why me? Am I that unlovable that things don't work out for me? I feel like a failure and like nobody will even bother to get to know me to love me.
submitted by closetredditer to TheGirlSurvivalGuide [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 17:44 Akul5b Blue Screens regularly, CPU faulty?

Computer Type: Self-built desktop GPU: RX 5700 XT CPU: 3700X Motherboard: Gigabyte X570 Aorus Elite RAM: Ballistix Sport AT 2x8GB BLS2K8G4D32AESTK DDR4 3200 MT/s PC4-25600 single rank X8 DIMM 288 Pin PSU: Corsair RM750X Case: Dark Base 700 Operating System & Version: Windows 10 Pro Version 20H2 GPU Drivers: 20.9.1 Chipset Drivers: 2.10.13.408 Background Applications: None needed
Description of Original Problem: In the past few months (system was built over a year ago as the 5700 XT series was coming out) I've been having regular blue screens daily. They can be as far as almost a day apart or can happen as soon as the computer has recovered from a previous one. Two even occurred while reinstalling Windows.
Troubleshooting: Reinstalled Windows twice (so the crashes during installation wouldn't influence anything). Second reinstall was without storage hard drives, internet access, headphones and different, basic keyboard & mouse. Also with a different GPU, an R9 390. I have ran memtest86 and HCI memtest without errors, the BSODs happen with or without XMP on (the memory is unsupported on this motherboard, however). I could play games without issue in between the BSODs and they usually happen while the computer is idling.
I reached out to another forum for help and they suggested I downclock my memory and CPU. Touching the memory didn't relieve the problem, but downclocking the CPU 3.6 -> 3.4 fixed it. Upon further testing, the problem was not the basic clock speed, but the boosting behavior which increases the clock speed for short periods of time. Disabling this from BIOS allowed stability on 3.6 GHz.
Not only packing and posting for RMA, but also not having a CPU is a bit daunting over an indoor christmas so I wanted to make this post for additional input, suggestion and questions. Perhaps I'll delay sending the CPU in until January.
*e BIOS, LAN drivers, Audio drivers should all be up to date
submitted by Akul5b to AMDHelp [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 15:50 KingOfHoopla Anyone else having this issue

The only way I'm getting orders this morning is by restarting my phone after ever order. For whatever reason, I'll sit for 20 minutes after an order and not get a single ping, then right after I restart my phone I start getting pings again. I checked and my app is up to date, and I'm not having internet issues. Is anyone else having this issue? Any suggestions on how to fix it?
submitted by KingOfHoopla to doordash [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 11:20 majestic_karma Catfished (F26) and feeling betrayed/dumb/naive...

As many people do after a break-up, I (F26) joined a popular dating app in my (very metropolitan) city. I liked this person (F23), who had a very hot profile, and we began chatting. She was EXTREMELY forward in her content and flirty in a cutsie way. It made me slightly uncomfortable but thought, what the heck, this is part of being single again. Let's push my boundaries. We chatted pretty consistently for a full day and then we made plans to meet this weekend.
When I was telling my best friend about it, she said "mhmm have you checked if she is catfishing you". Now, I have never really thought of catfishing as something that could happen to me so I wasn't aware of the different steps you have to take to check. First thing, I asked her Instagram handle. No response... According to the internet, the first sign is inconsistent social media presence. Second sign, does not want to factime/verify their identity.
Then she answered. "I deleted all social media when I got here to start fresh". Okay. First sign, check. But there was still room for improvement. Then I straight up said "How do I know you're not a catfish. I'll have to report you...". The answer came immediately. "Let's facetime before the date". How about now? "Watching football now and having an early night" Okay. Second sign, check. The last straw was drawn when I went back to the dating app and the profile had been deleted. Not just that, but there was a very quick glitch where her profile came up as a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON.

I blocked the number and have been spooked. So many what ifs came to mind... How does one regain trust in dating apps? I feel dumb for having gotten excited about this person, which gave me the confidence to actually ask someone else out. nonetheless, I feel naive for not having taken the proper measures right away but then again it had only been a day of texting...
submitted by majestic_karma to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 08:08 Sum1zDaD Welcome to the next stage of existence.

So I did some light research (Google dimensions beyond time). I understand 3D stuff and I recall hearing once that TIME was considered the 4th dimension. To me, it would seem that these classifications measure existence, each one using a different approach.
The 5th dimension is Thought. This one concept exploded in my mind. Sudden I don't see time as a line but as a million leafless trees sprouting from a tiny pebble in space, the emptiness you find in space between planets is equal to, in every way, to the emptiness between realities, the present is essentially the slow controlled burn of the aforementioned "time trees," but Dad, that's all timey wimey stuff. What does that have to do with thoughts?
Ok, sticking to the topic of the 5th dimension, its basic the layer of reality where emotions can linger like a bad fart, where intentions exist as real as light, and extra dimensional beings live. That includes fairies, angels, demons (got a few of those myself), gods, and yes, ghosts. Many of these entities thrive on some form of will or intent. Demons like when I ache or hold resentments, but some just want to talk. I've met other members of the living who are attune to the others I mentioned, but here's the thing about those conversations. It's. All... THOUGHT.
That means, I speak with my inner monolog. Its like a chat room in my head that is read aloud, in my head, in my voice. I think a thought, and the best way I can describe it is that my thought is followed by another thought that is somehow not my own. Its also imagined in my voice, but I like to believe that their voice isn't recorded, they can't remember it anymore, they've existed without an audible voice for so long that the literal information is gone for good, so they just use the default inner voice options, which just so happens to be MY default voice.
Need an anecdote on time, and spiritual thought communication
Focusing on topic, observing the concept of thought in the natural world, you'll see that not much thought builds from any other animal. Now, by "build" I mean, some evolution occurs, for survival purposes only. We "lucked out" when we realized we had HANDS. That's when we realized we could take parts of the environment and it looked nice having things sorted. Suddenly someone put a rock to a stick, wrapped grass around a sharpened stick, and they made more tools and more tools, and evolution began its slow decline in need. We made culture when we tried to use pigments of random junk to visually recreate something we had seen. The first historical record of our civilization as humans uses no written language, but some smears on the wall inside a cave. Smears depicted us among other animals. All it serves to say, now and forever is that we were here. We exist. And there is a saying about people being immortalized in art.
Now, all historical information out there is somehow, in some way, on the internet. A lot of misinformation as well, but I'll have to make another note for that. With all the information on the internet, some information about people will exist "forever." Some people in this world keep backups of random websites, for historical purposes. I bet someone reading this didn't know YouTube was originally an old school dating site. I didn't until Markiplier, a YouTuber pointed it out in a video.
All this information on the internet isn't just floating around like a cloud. Its data stored "somewhere." Right? And clearly our civilization has interest in preserving that information INDEFINITELY. From art, to science, to politics and pop culture. And now, we are well into the Age Of Global Recognition. We can upload a video, a record of ourselves, at any time of day, and it can be seen anyone around the world. The more people who see you, the more likely someone will like what they see simply because they can relate to your expressed thoughts. Using the measure of the previous dimension, TIME, and applying effort, over time, you will see PROGRESS. No other creature in the natural world seems to care much about progress. Either something needs to be done or its done and they can relax or play. Simple ideas.
We like to consider our civilization to be not of the animal kingdom, but above it. Why? Because the true essence of our selves IS on another layer of existence. That's the human soul. Ghosts are just souls without an animate animal anchor. If they could remember themselves accurately, INDEFINITELY, they might never fade, in fact, they may be remembered forever with reverence to the level that they might eventually be accepted as modern gods. No matter what millenia's "modern" would that would be, it is possible.
If simple smears on the inside of a mountain's butthole can immortalize cavemen, Neanderthals, whichever, both, then why can't every single person on the planet? We can. And then what happens? What happens when everyone is uploading their brand of identity, every day, all over the globe? On YouTube, Tiktok, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, and various other organizations and platforms, we are recording ourselves in such volumes that the businesses in charge of those "options" can't go over everything, they literally get so much data in a day that their staff can't digest all the information themselves, the data would pile up, so we resort to a system where content is policed by those that DO watch it. Currently, its deemed the best option to let viewers deem you worthy or unworthy of online immortality.
Thats where we're at now, but if we jump ahead a decade, imagine where kids view another platform LIKE YouTube, but more like it's successor. Everyone from 2 years old to 120 years old, literally everyone maintains their own channel, like for social hygiene. Everyone has followers, basically family, friends, and anyone with star talent or personality can be recognized easily, posting their awesomeness under the categories they work well with. People interested in new content can look for recent posts, with less than so many views, under the popular tags, and fame can build quickly for those with charisma or skill. Fame can even come to the less skilled, less attractive, less funny, eventually, to a degree. That takes a lot of work, enough to build a database on you and what you can offer, recorded online, like posting frequently, and posting the most of your efforts, which includes editing, you will still be immortalized. That's not something people could have considered 30 years before now. That's not long ago.
Now, say the world ends somehow, which by the way, there have been people preparing for the end of the world since the first time someone decided there was a beginning and an end to the world. There's bound to be increasing efforts to promote and protect the cloud that it probably won't be long until someone buries a copy of the clouds data, lock it in a vault, in a bunker, on the moon. "In case of global emergency, here lies a backup of humanity."
Any information about our civilization that could outlast our civilization is a testament to our existence.
Any information about YOU could outlast YOU as a testament to YOUR existence. Like THIS POST IS, alright, you get the idea. Thanks for reading!
submitted by Sum1zDaD to u/Sum1zDaD [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 08:05 3EZuuL My Earliest Bittersweet Memories / Bi Awakenings, the homophobia I had to endure, Coming to terms with my sexuality and where I am now. Also wanting to hear your stories.

So I saw a post related to this and it got me thinking, reminiscing. Now, I thought I want to share my story, my bittersweet memories and where I am now. Mainly wanna hear about how everyone deals with first realisations of their identities. (TL;DR below)
So a little bit of a background. I'm 20, and I spent my entire life in a Jesuit boys-only school (wink). I live in India, in a somewhat open minded family. I am a religious Hindu, Bisexual, Not out to my parents yet. I am mostly sure my family would accept me, my constitution will accept me but (most of) my country's people won't.
My earliest memories are from Kindergarten and First grade. I liked hugging my friends, it gave me a fluttery feeling inside, that i couldn't really explain. I kept doing it but had no idea why I liked it.
Fast forward to Fifth grade. I made a good friend, let's call him Aman. We talked a LOT about women (duh) because, well, puberty (DUH). And one day we were bunking a sports day practice and he goes "oh uk how they kiss in movies?" and just planted his lips on mine. My entire body got, like a Million volts running through it for the five seconds he held it. I pulled and I was shocked, less by the fact that a boy kissed me, and more by the fact that i liked it. He looked at my face and went "oh we're not making babies dummy, and your lips are so soft." and i remember my face getting hot.
AND just as things were getting good, that's when tragedy hit.
This other kid that occupied the bench behind us, (two people on a long bench) saw us making out. And he threatened to oust us, if i didn't do his homework. I was a soft kid from the start, and so I did everything he asked. It was horrible, for a 11 year old. I threatened him one day, and he stood at the teacher's desk. I was scared out of my mind, and begged him not to do it. And he agreed, on one condition. I had to, well, use your imagination. Yep. That. Plain torture, absolutely disgusting beyond anything that i had ever done or seen. But I believed, this is my punishment, I kissed a boy and god punished me for it (our Christian teacher taught us that and hindu friends confirmed it, muslim friend supported it).
I thought, I'd never kiss a boy again.
A year later, I made a good friend in sixth grade, let's call him Vishal. Now Vishal was a completely new deal. One, he was rich. So he had internet and that was a big deal in 2012. He was tall, tanned and had sharp features. This is around the time I realised that it just wasn't kissing that i liked about boys. He introduced me to being gay, which meant i liked boys. And i was even more confused, since i liked girls too. Vishal shrugs and goes, "well maybe you're stupid". And I believed him, because nobody told me what this was.
Now I will be writing some pretty bad stuff, because seventh grade is when things went downhill.
I had a childhood friend, let's call him Tanuj. Now Tanuj was the one guy i would trust with my life. I had been friends with him since preschool, and I trusted him with my whole entire heart. I loved him as my bestie, we had been through so much together. Every year of school, fights and family crap. Now we were both tutored by the same aunty (which just means a middle aged woman who's close to your family, not a blood relative). Aunty was always impressed by my intelligence, because I am just that good. And Tanuj was average. I never hated him or discriminated against him for it, and i thought it was funny. What i didn't know was, Tanuj held a horrible grudge, and one day, he just stopped talking. I was devastated. I had lost my one true friend, my best companion. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't focus. I eventually came to terms with being alone and was finally introduced to the horrible aspects of the world my family told me about.
It couldn't get any worse, could it? Oh how immature I was.
A couple weeks later, a new guy comes into the picture. He's friends with Tanuj, and he also wants to be my friend. Let's call him Ajay. Now Ajay got me talking about my liking for boys. He wanted to try it too, and so we made out at the rooftop of Aunty's house. It was exhilarating. Ajay was chubby and cute with a weird, twisted sense of humour. He always sat next to Tanuj and I was too stupid to see the signs. One day, he abruptly comes to my place and goes "i wanna do it". And so we did. The same evening, Tanuj and Ajay weren't in the study room. A couple moments later, they both come in late, smug smiles on their faces.
The ground was yanked from under my feet, My brain froze over. No no no no no, this couldn't be happening, i thought. Then, in front of no less than 11 people, Ajay and Tanuj begin to explain in detail, what "He did to Ajay in his house when Ajay didn't want to". People laughed their heads off, while i kept screaming that they're lying. Three people sided with me, saying "Ye ch**ka nahi ho sakta" (he can't be a f-word). I broke down, i was beyond traumatized. I was never a popular kid, but this was too much. Everyone's staring eyes were more than I could bear.
The news spread. People walked away. First the tutor's, then school. Most didn't care because they didn't know who i was. But the few friends i had, gone. The shaming never stopped. Every slur imaginable, every form of shaming possible, and I started skipping school under odd pretexts. My mom told me to stand up for myself, and that people were horrible. I couldn't, I had lost all will to make friends or convince anyone of my well being. This was the beginning of six years of bodyshaming, because of my fair skin amidst brown people, my weird chest and delicate features. How i stayed sane, i don't know. And the homophobic slurs never stopped. That, with the Indian education system sent me into situational depression for two years.
One thing was for sure, I swore to never touch a boy again.
Six years went by. Nothing improved. People went from shaming me to torturing me to pretending i didn't exist. Made a few friends along the way but no one actually was there for me, no one told me it was ok.
My first breath of fresh air happened when I passed out of high school. After twelfth grade, i stayed home for a year to prepare for college entrance exams. This is when I really delved into the world of internet. I realised there were more people like me, and that liking boys and girls was an actual thing. My girlfriend was a real support, I started dating her a bit after my exams, and she was the first person to make me realise that I was perfect. My feminine and delicate features, my thin figure, weird chest and everything else was as lovable as anyone else, that there was no fault in being me. Old classmates hit me up on Instagram, complimenting on how good I looked. I thought "me? Good looking?".
I came out to my discord friend circle as bisexual, and they welcomed me with open arms. It was a lot of pondering and a lot of time spending with people who were LGBTQAI+. My life finally started to take shape and i started to come to terms with who I was, what i was and where I'd go. I started seeing men AND women and surprisingly no one thought i was weird. Things are better.
....
My hands are shaking as I finish typing. My mind is flooded with memories, of what being bisexual did to me and what it made me. It has shaped a large part of who I am today, and what I preach.
This is to every person who feels that they're different, my story is proof that life can be absolute hell for us. Remember me saying this, YOU ARE VALID. WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE IS VERY MUCH. REAL. School is bad, it's horrible and it's downright torture. But it'll be over. It'll get better.
You have to hold on to every single bit of fight you have in yourself. It's YOU and ONLY YOU that can take you forward. No friends, family, religion or god will keep you healthy, only YOU can. Stand up for yourself, stay strong, don't give up. Lots of love. :)
And now, I request you all to share your stories. Reddit posts are what calmed me down, made me realise that everything is okay. Your story may save someone, may calm someone. Talking is what keeps us going. Make friends, love all. It's the way to go.
PS- I am open to messages. My apologies to the mods if I wrote something inappropriate.
TL;DR : My story of my earliest bisexual awakenings, the good and the very bad. The way being bi shaped me and how i came to terms with myself and my sexuality. Plus a bit of opinions. Also a request to share YOUR stories.
submitted by 3EZuuL to bisexual [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 08:02 3EZuuL My Earliest Bittersweet Memories / Bi Awakenings, coming to terms with my sexuality, the homophobia in my past, and where I am Now. Also wanting to hear your stories.

So I saw a post related to this and it got me thinking, reminiscing. Now, I thought I want to share my story, my bittersweet memories and where I am now. Mainly wanna hear about how everyone deals with first realisations of their identities. (TL;DR below)
So a little bit of a background. I'm 20, and I spent my entire life in a Jesuit boys-only school (wink). I live in India, in a somewhat open minded family. I am a religious Hindu, Bisexual, Not out to my parents yet. I am mostly sure my family would accept me, my constitution will accept me but (most of) my country's people won't.
My earliest memories are from Kindergarten and First grade. I liked hugging my friends, it gave me a fluttery feeling inside, that i couldn't really explain. I kept doing it but had no idea why I liked it.
Fast forward to Fifth grade. I made a good friend, let's call him Aman. We talked a LOT about women (duh) because, well, puberty (DUH). And one day we were bunking a sports day practice and he goes "oh uk how they kiss in movies?" and just planted his lips on mine. My entire body got, like a Million volts running through it for the five seconds he held it. I pulled and I was shocked, less by the fact that a boy kissed me, and more by the fact that i liked it. He looked at my face and went "oh we're not making babies dummy, and your lips are so soft." and i remember my face getting hot.
AND just as things were getting good, that's when tragedy hit.
This other kid that occupied the bench behind us, (two people on a long bench) saw us making out. And he threatened to oust us, if i didn't do his homework. I was a soft kid from the start, and so I did everything he asked. It was horrible, for a 11 year old. I threatened him one day, and he stood at the teacher's desk. I was scared out of my mind, and begged him not to do it. And he agreed, on one condition. I had to, well, use your imagination. Yep. That. Plain torture, absolutely disgusting beyond anything that i had ever done or seen. But I believed, this is my punishment, I kissed a boy and god punished me for it (our Christian teacher taught us that and hindu friends confirmed it, muslim friend supported it).
I thought, I'd never kiss a boy again.
A year later, I made a good friend in sixth grade, let's call him Vishal. Now Vishal was a completely new deal. One, he was rich. So he had internet and that was a big deal in 2012. He was tall, tanned and had sharp features. This is around the time I realised that it just wasn't kissing that i liked about boys. He introduced me to being gay, which meant i liked boys. And i was even more confused, since i liked girls too. Vishal shrugs and goes, "well maybe you're stupid". And I believed him, because nobody told me what this was.
Now I will be writing some pretty bad stuff, because seventh grade is when things went downhill.
I had a childhood friend, let's call him Tanuj. Now Tanuj was the one guy i would trust with my life. I had been friends with him since preschool, and I trusted him with my whole entire heart. I loved him as my bestie, we had been through so much together. Every year of school, fights and family crap. Now we were both tutored by the same aunty (which just means a middle aged woman who's close to your family, not a blood relative). Aunty was always impressed by my intelligence, because I am just that good. And Tanuj was average. I never hated him or discriminated against him for it, and i thought it was funny. What i didn't know was, Tanuj held a horrible grudge, and one day, he just stopped talking. I was devastated. I had lost my one true friend, my best companion. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't focus. I eventually came to terms with being alone and was finally introduced to the horrible aspects of the world my family told me about.
It couldn't get any worse, could it? Oh how immature I was.
A couple weeks later, a new guy comes into the picture. He's friends with Tanuj, and he also wants to be my friend. Let's call him Ajay. Now Ajay got me talking about my liking for boys. He wanted to try it too, and so we made out at the rooftop of Aunty's house. It was exhilarating. Ajay was chubby and cute with a weird, twisted sense of humour. He always sat next to Tanuj and I was too stupid to see the signs. One day, he abruptly comes to my place and goes "i wanna do it". And so we did. The same evening, Tanuj and Ajay weren't in the study room. A couple moments later, they both come in late, smug smiles on their faces.
The ground was yanked from under my feet, My brain froze over. No no no no no, this couldn't be happening, i thought. Then, in front of no less than 11 people, Ajay and Tanuj begin to explain in detail, what "He did to Ajay in his house when Ajay didn't want to". People laughed their heads off, while i kept screaming that they're lying. Three people sided with me, saying "Ye ch**ka nahi ho sakta" (he can't be a f-word). I broke down, i was beyond traumatized. I was never a popular kid, but this was too much. Everyone's staring eyes were more than I could bear.
The news spread. People walked away. First the tutor's, then school. Most didn't care because they didn't know who i was. But the few friends i had, gone. The shaming never stopped. Every slur imaginable, every form of shaming possible, and I started skipping school under odd pretexts. My mom told me to stand up for myself, and that people were horrible. I couldn't, I had lost all will to make friends or convince anyone of my well being. This was the beginning of six years of bodyshaming, because of my fair skin amidst brown people, my weird chest and delicate features. How i stayed sane, i don't know. And the homophobic slurs never stopped. That, with the Indian education system sent me into situational depression for two years.
One thing was for sure, I swore to never touch a boy again.
Six years went by. Nothing improved. People went from shaming me to torturing me to pretending i didn't exist. Made a few friends along the way but no one actually was there for me, no one told me it was ok.
My first breath of fresh air happened when I passed out of high school. After twelfth grade, i stayed home for a year to prepare for college entrance exams. This is when I really delved into the world of internet. I realised there were more people like me, and that liking boys and girls was an actual thing. My girlfriend was a real support, I started dating her a bit after my exams, and she was the first person to make me realise that I was perfect. My feminine and delicate features, my thin figure, weird chest and everything else was as lovable as anyone else, that there was no fault in being me. Old classmates hit me up on Instagram, complimenting on how good I looked. I thought "me? Good looking?".
I came out to my discord friend circle as bisexual, and they welcomed me with open arms. It was a lot of pondering and a lot of time spending with people who were LGBTQAI+. My life finally started to take shape and i started to come to terms with who I was, what i was and where I'd go. I started seeing men AND women and surprisingly no one thought i was weird. Things are better.
....
My hands are shaking as I finish typing. My mind is flooded with memories, of what being bisexual did to me and what it made me. It has shaped a large part of who I am today, and what I preach.
This is to every person who feels that they're different, my story is proof that life can be absolute hell for us. Remember me saying this, YOU ARE VALID. WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE IS VERY MUCH. REAL. School is bad, it's horrible and it's downright torture. But it'll be over. It'll get better.
You have to hold on to every single bit of fight you have in yourself. It's YOU and ONLY YOU that can take you forward. No friends, family, religion or god will keep you healthy, only YOU can. Stand up for yourself, stay strong, don't give up. Lots of love. :)
And now, I request you all to share your stories. Reddit posts are what calmed me down, made me realise that everything is okay. Your story may save someone, may calm someone. Talking is what keeps us going. Make friends, love all. It's the way to go.
PS- I am open to messages. My apologies to the mods if I wrote something inappropriate.
TL;DR : My story of my earliest bisexual awakenings, the good and the very bad. The way being bi shaped me and how i came to terms with myself and my sexuality. Plus a bit of opinions. Also a request to share YOUR stories.
submitted by 3EZuuL to lgbt [link] [comments]


2020.12.02 04:02 TiocfaidhArLa72 Tom Messick & Fred Drumm Missing 411 Cases - Whitehall, NY Sasquatch Sightings

I'm no Internet sleuth, but I am very intrigued with the entire world of Missing 411 Cases, especially those involving veteran outdoorsmen like Hunters, Hikers and the like. My heart just breaks for these families who's loved ones simply vanish into thin air. There's so many possibilities and theories, they are endless. I often wonder what each of the victims were thinking when whatever happened to them occurred....it must have been sheer terror
Anyway, here I am watching the Beast of Whitehall Documentary. It delves into a series of Bigfoot sightings in Whitehall, NY in 1976. Not 1 or 2 sightings in a single day, rather dozens and dozens of sightings over the course of a couple weeks. At least 6-7 Law Enforcement Officers witnessed what they referred to as Bigfoot, high school teens, 30-40 year old men and women.....basically all types of people from all sorts of age groups during all times of the day.
These Cases were investigated as best as possible for 1976, and the town of Whitehall suddenly became the unofficial Bigfoot Capital of the World.....NY Tourism Board advertises it. Even though 1976 was the epicenter for Bigfoot Sightings, these Beings have been sighted in the Lake George / Whitehall Area every year since then....dozens of documented sightings and even more that go undocumented.
This is what brings me to the point of my Post.....Whitehall, NY is 42 Miles away from Horicon, NY......what is the significance of Horicon, NY??? It is where Tom Messick literally vanished without a trace during his annual hunting trip in 2015!! In fact, if you draw a straight line between Whitehall and Horicon it is 20 miles.....only separated by Lake George!
Now add in the Fred Drumm disappearance from Schuylerville, NY only 10 days after Mr.Messick disappeared, and the entire M411 world and Sasquatch/Other Cryptid connection just got a whole lot more real.....now everyone can understand why the FBI may have had such an interest, and been eager to investigate the Messick & Drumm Disappearances.....the FBI was notified and on scene during the Whitehall Sightings in 1976....
Have Psychics or Mediums ever been used with the M411 Cases?
For reference - Whitehall to Horicon to Schuylerville, NY by highway is 98 miles....again, BY HIGHWAY...if you are some sort of mysterious Being, you'll be cutting thru Forest, meaning that 98 mile is a whole lot less.....These points sorta make a triangle....could it be a possible migratory route of ....The Lake George Triangle.....like I said, I'm no professional but Ive always been pretty good at common sense and piecing things together. I'm sure there's a Database on disappearances in the Lake George Area....I wonder How Many disappearances and what the circumstances were at the time of each.
Records show the Native Americans of the Adirondacks called the Sasquatch Being the Gougou" and there are supposedly journal writings from a French explorer describing a Sasquatch encounter dating to 1603.....
I have plotted these Towns on a Map but can't paste it online :(.....it's concerning to say the least
Horicon
Whitehall
Schuylerville
submitted by TiocfaidhArLa72 to Missing411 [link] [comments]