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2009.11.13 23:01 Actual Lesbians!

A place for discussions for and by cis and trans lesbians, bisexual girls, chicks who like chicks, bi-curious folks, dykes, butches, femmes, girls who kiss girls, birls, bois, aces, LGBT allies, and anyone else interested! Our subreddit is named actuallesbians because lesbians is not really for or by lesbians--it was meant to be a joke. We're not a militant or exclusive group, so feel free to join up!
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2020.10.26 23:53 Lovelyday8p66 Lost

Well my husband and I had an argument and he said he’s single and focusing on his own health were in the same house and he’s but things are grey he says we’ll be alright that he has to focus on him but I don’t have anyone else... no one. No family no friends just him and because I’d been “stealth” I don’t have anyone I can call and tell everything....in my heart I’m lost....every time I’ve taken a hornet we had a fight...the fight where he left for 7 days and came back “single” I took finasteride and was bitchy....I tried to join a trans dating site and because I haven’t been on hormones for four months I’m clocky and a guy BLOCKED ME I know why I know I can pass I just don’t know what my life is going to be like I’m lost...I thought I was going to grow old with him and he’s basically told me no he’s done and that well take our time and maybe who knows that makes me just feel like poop my trans fb friend just passed and it makes me think no one loves me if I die I’m just a Facebook page I’m just another nothing black trans women though I’m educated well spoken I’m everything on paper but I’m also trans which means ....now I’m a hell no. Idk I have to find my happy I can’t die and I’m not going to kill myself but I’ve thought about checking my self in somewhere for a weekend and just let go .... we’re in the same house I feel his coldness inside there was a short time then we had an argument in the shower and now he’s cold as ice no space in his heart for me and to go from thinking you have your person to grow old with wwe talked about it ... we got gay married and I’m rambling I know but I’m 38 now cause I’ve been too stressed for hormones a manly tranny and I wonder is there love for me... I believed I was love able I thought someone was in my life forever who would love me as I am but we started when o transitioned and since I got breast’s our sex life has been lame is real deep connection and love real? I know I had it so I can’t Ben the only one I know other married trans women I’m just emotions distraught I need friends I don’t have ANY
submitted by Lovelyday8p66 to MtF [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 14:58 UsagiVino Frustrated with situation

Hi all, new to this subreddit, this might be long but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

I (32F) have been with my husband (38M) since I was 18 and he was 22. We have a four year old child now. We met through mutual friends and dated for two years before getting married when I was 20. I had only a couple of sexual experiences with boyfriends at this point- I had sex numerous times, but only with like three people ever. I also knew I was openly bisexual and had dated a few girls but I had never had sex with another woman before. Our entire relationship, my husband has been supportive of my bisexuality and has never been bothered by my interest in other women. He has always said that he was ok with me having a sexual or even committed relationship with another woman, as long as it didn't take priority over my relationship with him. It was always clear that he would like to be involved but that it wasn't a requirement for him. Meaning if a girl liked just me, that was ok, but if she liked both of us, obviously that would be ideal. Maybe I have high standards or something but throughout the past decade I have never had a threesome or w/w sex despite being very interested in other women. It seemed like most girls I was strongly attracted to either were straight, already in committed relationships, or just not interested in being with someone who had a male partner at home. I've always just sort of been like, well, thems the breaks I guess. Occasionally I'll rejoin tinder or something to see if I happen to meet a girl but for the most part it just hasn't happened. And its not like I'm not cute, I get hit on all the time LOL. Anyway the point is that its always been understood that this is ok and doesn't bother my spouse. I have never felt jealous at the thought of having a threesome or even having another woman who was a "girlfriend" to both of us if that ever became a possibility with the right woman.

Cut to 2019 when I've noticed that my husband has an affinity for trans women. He watches a lot of porn with trans women, and told me that he just really finds the combination of genders and anatomy to basically be incredibly appealing. His ideal is a beautiful woman who happens to have a dick. He enjoys receiving anal sex, and I have never been open to receiving it, despite him wanting to. At first I was mildly unsure about this because I felt insecure. But he also came out that he thinks he might be polysexual, meaning he thinks he has an attraction to pretty much all genders, non-binary etc. That the only type he isn't implicitly attracted to is trans men, because he just isn't turned on by that. Now, I am bisexual but I just have a very hardwired binary attraction scale. I can't help it. I love & support trans people but trans women just (typically, I won't say never) get my motor running. So I told him that if he wanted to explore that side of himself, as long as he was safe, careful, and respectful that I was comfortable with him pursuing a trans woman or bisexual/gay man for a personal sexual relationship on his own. He travels often to neighboring states for work (I used to travel nearby for live music shows a lot) and we agreed that he would be able to pursue something if the opportunity occurred when he was away from home. Most of that rule just stems from the fact that we have very little free time or expendable income to just go out on dates with other people here at home while the other person sits at home with our kid. For example going out on a nice date night would be our whole "eating out" budget that paycheck so it seems like something that should be spent on *US* and not on one of us going out with someone else. We also don't get much personal time because of our schedules and our kid so it just seemed to make the most sense. On top of that, I think although we are both open to threesomes, we are a little weirded out by the thought of one of us just coming home fresh off getting fucked by someone else. Keeping it an out of town thing just seems the best way to handle it. He has downloaded tinder & we have both used Feel'd at this point, so far nothing has happened for him either. He has depression, anxiety and high stress levels combined with not being very outgoing (where as I am a ball of energy who will just go up and start talking to a cute girl etc). So I understand that a lot of this is set at his own pace. He's also experimenting more with his gender identity, wanting to wear skirts, gender neutral clothing, getting really into learning about make up, etc. So its been a bit of a drastic change but he just said the other night that he thinks he is happier now as a more "openly queer" person that he has ever felt before (raised in a strict conservative Christian household). I think I've been very understanding about everything although sometimes I have failed but I'm trying. He is also in therapy and on anti-depressant meds which have helped him a lot.

Ok. So, if you're still reading, here is the crux of my issue: Although we have discussed non-monogamy within strict parameters, the rules have been very set forward: For me, I am allowed to be with other women and thats it- the only male partner I could have would be a bisexual man in a threesome with both me and my spouse. Because I "have him" as "my male partner". He is allowed to have trans women and cis gay/bi men as his partners. Essentially because I don't have what they have and I want him to be able to explore his interest in those catagories. But let me emphasis here- THESE ARE *HIS* RULES. Its always been implied that neither one of us were permitted to take cis-straight-women (for him) or cis-straight-men (for me) as partners. I never set this rule down, he did. When I asked him how can he handle it if he's talking to a non-binary woman that he's attracted to who has a vagina if he would stop talking to her when he found out she is has a vagina. He basically said yes because thats "against the rules". I was skeptical because I said I feel like thats stupid. We are already saying sex with these people would not ruin or be a detriment to our private relationship. That they aren't a replacement for either of us for the other. So if its perfectly fine to have sex with a trans woman with a penis, why would having sex with a non binary person with a vagina be off limits? That doesn't make sense to me. Its still external marital sex regardless. If we are fucking other people, why does there need to be rules about what kind of genitals the other person can have?

It all boils down to this I think at the end of the day........he doesn't want ME to have sex with any other straight cis men. If we have a threesome with a bisexual man, thats something we are sharing together. But he doesn't want me to have sex with any men on my own without him. This feels incredibly frustrating for me. I just want to fuck hot people. Period. Men or women. I want to know that I can flirt with someone without having to go "Wait, are you bi? Do you think my husband is cute? ok we can flirt then." or "Do you have a vagina? Ok cool yeah we can fuck, if you had a penis we couldn't though". Now I do know that a lot of this stems from insecurity and the fact that *ELEVEN* years ago, the first year we were married, I got stationed overseas away from him for several months and I did cheat on him with a guy there. I confessed almost immediately and its been something that even *Last Year* he was still bringing up in hurt. We finally talked about it in depth about a year ago (I was depressed, scared, it was a whole mess, I was letting myself drink way too much, etc. I was 21. It was eleven freaking years ago. I have never cheated on him since then. The drama, pain, hurt of it etc would just never be worth the momentary pleasure). But I think it all stems from him feeling like he isn't "enough" for me. He wants to be the only man that I want to be with, and I think he's very much afraid that another man will be better in bed than him (our sex life is moderate). I don't think he thinks I will leave him for another guy. I think he just doesn't want me out hooking up with hot guys who are better in bed than him.

In conclusion, I feel very frustrated with the current situation. I think we should both be allowed to sleep with whomever we feel attracted to within the right settings of our perameters (for example next year if I'm out of town overnight at a show and meet someone there, or if he is out of town on a job site etc). I don't know how to explain to him that I feel like he has all the freedom he wants (because frankly, he doesn't *want* another cis straight woman partner- and the odds of us having a bisexual threesome with another woman are a lot higher than finding a bi male) he gets to have me, his wife, and any trans or queer person he may fall into attraction with. I feel like I'm the one being limited. I feel like I can't even say "Theres a cute boy at work" without him taking it the wrong way, even though he can go on about how hot a woman is because he knows I would think she was hot too. But if I thought a guy was cute its like, but are they bi? If not then oh well into the off limits box they go. This feels frustrating to me because I don't want to leave my husband. We have a family, a house, a child, a life together. I don't want to replace him any more than he wants to replace me. But I don't know how to get him to understand that I think its ok for us both to have any partner we desire when he is adamant that we are not allowed to have cis-straight-opposite-gender partners. I feel like I don't know how to make him see that I would just be enjoying the variety versus looking for something "better" than him.
I know this was incredibly long, I'm so sorry. I'm just looking for some guidance from others who have been in this situation before. Thanks so much for any advice and please be kind.
(Added for clarity- he is also attracted to cis men, but its a very limited scope of attraction and seems to have no rhyme or reason. Like one out of 100 guys he might go "yeah I think that one guy is hot" but that one guy could be completely different from the next guy has says he is attracted to, so its not even like a can gauge if he would like a guy or not because he seems to have no "type")
One last edit- although I genuinely do understand how it’s different, I also feel like it’s kind of insulting and hypocritical to basically view trans women as “different” from having sex with another woman just because of their genitals. Like if he was talking to a trans woman with a vagina, he would view that as the same as trying to sleep with a cis woman, but a trans woman with a penis falls into the “queer relationship” category. It feels like splitting hairs.
submitted by UsagiVino to nonmonogamy [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 02:12 hopeful-heart I really wish the lesbian trans community (at least on reddit) would chill the hell out

This is probably going to seem like a really rambly rant. A lot of what I'm touching on here is going to address things that I see on actuallesbians that make me cringe
Aaaaaall the freaking time, I see trans women joining lesbian spaces and then basically pleading for special treatment. They want everyone to praise them and tell them that they're cute and totally belong here in this wlw (women who love women) space! AL gets one of these posts literally every other day these days, with people basically asking to be pat on the head and told that they're real girls and totally valid and blah blah fucking blah
All of these posts make me, a trans woman who is way along in her transition, feel othered. The way that the trans women I see (referring to themselves as transbians, which is easily the most cringe word I've ever seen) behave in these lesbian spaces makes me want to pretend I'm not trans because of the secondhand embarrassment. I want in no way to be treated differently than any other woman. I just want to hang out, laugh at some gay memes and hear about the next movie or TV show I have to watch for the plot, of course
I understand that people early on might feel weird about being in a lesbian space. Honestly, if you aren't passing, you probably should feel weird about being in a lesbian space. When I run into people on dating sites who have clearly not even started transitioning, I'm just like "...well that's a waste of your time" Shocking, I know, but most people who consider themselves lesbians don't find themselves attracted to trans women who haven't started HRT
And god, the anime posts. Why do you have to constantly talk about anime? No one outside of anime communities is going to understand wtf you're talking about. It's also really fucking weird to say you wish you look like some anime character. It's even weirder to keep bringing it up in a non-trans context, y'know, like a lesbian subreddit
Trans women are never going to be accepted into the lesbian community at large unless these trends that I keep seeing come to an end. If I'm getting annoyed by them and I'm not even a cis woman, how do you think the cis women feel?
submitted by hopeful-heart to honesttransgender [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 15:30 TheMadQueen96 How do I (24F) find a local guy despite difficult circumstances?

I apologise in advance, for this post will be quite long. There will be a TL;DR at the bottom to account for the long length though.
There are two things to get out of the way with me before I should go any further that are deal-breakers to many potential boyfriends: 1.) I have a history of bad and (in one instance) abusive relationships 2.) I'm trans. I have done all the healing I can from that abuse and I have come to terms with my identity as best I can. I have not had surgery as of yet though, which will be the final step in a very long journey.
I have kind of failed in making local connections. Not from a lack of trying, but due to a total lack of means. Even pre-quarantine I struggled to make more connections as the only groups in my country I could find (that I hadn't already tried) sadly did not align with me at all. Now, I am by no means close-minded but some of these groups would require dramatically altering my lifestyle to be a member (vegan social groups, for example) or would not accept me due to what I am (political or religious organisations).
In terms of hobbies all you can find via searching is coding, all the sports, politics and toastmasters. While I am not against trying new things, none of the what I just mentioned align with me at all. I have my own personal reasons as to why I basically hate sports (was forced to play for being "too feminine"), I'm tired of politics and the other two things I have other reasons against.
In terms of my own hobbies I do run a D&D group (it's online now due to the plague) and although there was one guy I was interested in...He wasn't interested in me and eventually left the game not too long after I asked him out. I assume feeling awkward was part of the reason, on top of the game moving back to online when restrictions were tightened again.
It's a small group and the guys there, I mean they're great and all but I'm just not interested in any of them. It's pretty much the only active hobby I've got that I do with other people and although there are two large groups in the country for TTRPGs I can't join because of people who attend.
I do have to take into account the kind of woman I am and that a lot of guys would see that as a dealbreaker or (even worse) be turned on due to a kink they have...No thanks. Online dating hasn't worked for those reasons or due to there not being anyone in my country using certain sites. For example, OKCupid, although designed well kept pointing me to Scotland and beyond (I live in the North of Ireland/Northern Ireland) when I increased the search radius to as little as 50 miles.
As much as I could click with those people, I am not suited for a long-distance relationship. I have needs that cannot be fulfilled with a long-distance thing.
It seems the most popular application in my country is Tinder and well...It's primarily for hookups. I have been trying it on and off for a while now with no luck. Yes, I understand that there are many people who don't use it for hookups but they are so far and few between it's like searching for a needle in a haystack.
My experience with online dating overall has been negative and honestly, I'm completely put off by the whole thing now. Tired of somebody's kink being the only reason they express interest in me.
I am looking for something real and for a various number of reasons (past abuse and being pre-surgery) I am put off by sex. So going to places where people are typically looking for one-night stands (bars/nightclubs) and then hoping that develops into something more is completely off the table in the same vein that Tinder is. Also, I'm on the Spectrum so going to a club will induce sensory overload anyway and a lot of bars are the same in that regard.
I'm really stuck, tbh. Given that the go-to solution for a lack of social groups and being put off by bars/clubs is usually just to try online dating I honestly wonder what I'm left with. There's the whole asking friends thing too but the only friend I'd trust to find me a suitable match doesn't know anyone. There's my D&D group but they don't know me deep down and given past experiences somebody trying to set me up would need to be someone I really trusted.
Please let me know if there's anything else I could try.


TL;DR: Don't know how to find a potential boyfriend, have tried looking for local groups, online dating and even asking friends of friends. Due to various reasons, bars/clubs aren't an option and I feel stuck. Am looking for potential options.
submitted by TheMadQueen96 to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 02:11 MarkdownShadowBot Removed comments/submissions for /u/triple_ecks

Hi triple_ecks, you're not shadowbanned, but 25 of your most recent 111 comments/submissions were removed (either automatically or by human moderators).

Comments:

dmpjjuf in AskMenOver30 on 08 Sep 17 (1pts):
I am shadow banned so I am not sure that anyone will see this but...
I was dating a girl who was 1/4 black, 1/4 Japanese, and 1/2 white. My father is a good man, but was raised in the deep South...
davwi8t in AskReddit on 07 Dec 16 (1pts):
Fucking this insanely hot married chick...I know I am shadow banned, but I still had to mention how much I hate myself for not fucking her...omg
d995156 in bdsm on 26 Oct 16 (1pts):
I am shadow banned, so I am not sure if this post will show or not. Whatever the case is, has no one else considered the fact that she should have been able to tell if he was wearing a condom or...
d6eic2h in hockey on 12 Aug 16 (1pts):
Shadow banned but replying to save...
cwvv9mf in announcements on 10 Nov 15 (1pts):
Does this apply to those of us who have already been shadow banned for unknown reasons? I really like this site, but I refuse to plead for my ability to comment on posts just because some self...
cup7swm in AskReddit on 03 Sep 15 (1pts):
Could be worse, I got shadow banned months ago because I suggested /conspiracy was full of mentally challenged people. I am still shadowbanned, I am not going to beg to be a part of a site that...
cup7skd in AskReddit on 03 Sep 15 (1pts):
Could be worse, I got shadow banned months ago because I suggested /conspiracy was full of mentally challenged people. I am still shadowbanned, I am not going to beg to be a part of a site that...
ct36dn3 in cosplaygirls on 14 Jul 15 (1pts):
I know I am shadowbanned, but maybe a mod or an admin could tell me: is that girl mentally handicapped? I mean she has a great body and pretty facial construction, but the look on her face most of...
ct0rh6m in bestof on 12 Jul 15 (1pts):
Well I for one think this is a great idea.
cszrfr3 in todayilearned on 11 Jul 15 (1pts):
Being a Muscogee Creek Indian I tend to disagree with your assessment. He was great in some areas. In others he was a fucking heartless butcher. All in all I am glad he is dead.
cszqw0c in AskMenOver30 on 11 Jul 15 (1pts):
Well, I know this will probably not be seen (as I am currently shadow banned for saying /conspiracy was full of retards) but on the off chance a mod approves it, here is my two cents:
This guy...
cs2r9wb in amishadowbanned on 11 Jun 15 (1pts):
I know I is, but I don't know why.
crvgjbb in AskMenOver30 on 04 Jun 15 (1pts):
Serious question, do you mean duogenarian or is the word you used a term I am unfamiliar with? If so what does it mean?
crvfm63 in Frugal on 04 Jun 15 (1pts):
What about people who put products in their hair? I have to imagine that negates the whole no need to shampoo thing?
crul0zk in todayilearned on 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
So your skeptical mind was settled by reading an article on a trans activist website? I feel people should pretty much be able to do whatever they want to their own bodies as long as it doesn't harm...
crujcuf in AskReddit on 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
80's New York City or Victorian London. I would love to live in either time.
cruj939 in AskReddit on 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
Prohibition never went anywhere, we are just allowed to drink alcohol again. Thank god our federal babysitters prevent me from doing anything bad by myself.
cruegi0 in JusticePorn on 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
"Puh-lay-un" - the fucking moron doesn't even realise the term refers to his hero's last name and so should be pronounced the same. What an idiot...
crudp8g in nottheonion on 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
What a moron. If you believe you need to carry an AR-15 to the airport for "safety" then you my friend, are paranoid as fuck and probably a coward.
Also, he wasn't harassed. He was constantly being...
crud085 in AskReddit on 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
Well after watching the ten highest voted videos in this thread I have decided that my sense of humor is so different from most people's I should never attempt to post something to reddit that I...
cruc18m in TrueFilm on 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
I'd argue it represents destruction for its own sake, meaninglessness for the sake of meaninglessness. With that sort of interpretation could it be possible that the film is moving outside of the...
crlgvhj in cringepics on 26 May 15 (1pts):
If I was ever going to randomly kill someone...I would try my hardest to make it this annoying fuck.
cr5lo2o in television on 11 May 15 (1pts):
No conviction, but she has told a story about having sex with a guy who was so drunk he could barely see her and was incoherent. I believe she was sober at the time. If you feel people who are black...

Submissions:

6f19xl in ShadowBanned on 03 Jun 17 (1pts):
I thought people couldn't be shadow banned anymore?
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Can amnesia affect sexual orientation?
I'm a bot. My home is at /CommentRemovalChecker - check if your posts have been removed! (How to use)
Help us expose and stand up to social media bias and censorship!
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2020.10.23 16:33 SNIHON Hey I have a question

Like a year ago I was on a lesbian dating site. One person messaged me and asked about hooking up.
I read their profile and it said “they/them, trans-lesbian”
So I asked if they had a penis.You know because we were probably going to meet for sex and I wanted to know what to expect.
But I was told it was a rude question to ask and that it was private.
And that I would “find out in the hotel room” I ended up not meeting them. But was that rude?
submitted by SNIHON to LesbianActually [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 19:53 jxsond How do I (19M) come to terms with my best friend/partner (19F) coming out as trans

This might be kinda long but I've kept this in since the start of the year and haven't talked to anyone about it so heads up
So I've (19M) known my friend (19F) since 2012, we were in the same class at the start of high school at Year 7. We weren't close but we had jokes and we got along together. The school then moved site and all the classes in my year got broken up and we got put in new groups. I still saw them around in class and we always had a mutual respect and a fun friendship when we were together. This went on for a few more years. Not much changed until we got to sixth form (UK thing) Year 12 (2018). We were both at a party (my first one I won't lie) and I drank way more than I could handle and lay down on a couch for a bit. I don't remember much but they came over, got on top of me and started kissing my neck. That's all that happened. I didnt really think much of it. Anyways we started talking again after that and got closer bc we were in the same ICT class. As the academic year went on we got closer and closer and I really started to like them but I knew they were gay. Later found it they always just used it as an umbrella term and was actually Bisexual. So we were pretty close. That summer they went away to America to visit family and I went away to India to see family too. We still kept in contact and that summer I fell in love with them.
We came back and started our final year of high school and we were getting closer. First house party back and we have our first kiss. I talk to them about it but they said they can't do commitment so that kinda bummed me out but I was down to wait for as long as they needed bc I really really love them. We still had feelings for each other. I think they did anyway. we make out at the next 3/4 house parties and sometimes when we're sober. I really thought we were getting somewhere till a house party that summer (2019). I saw them making out with another guy and it broke me. They also came out to me as non binary that night. I didn't know what that was at the time but I learned as the weeks went on. I got over the thing with them making out with someone else and then the same week I felt okay about it, they made ou with 3 different people Infront of me at a club. I know they don't mean it and they genuinely liked me and jus prefers to get black out drunk and make out with people. There's a lot of past trauma there and I don't blame them. We went away for summer to see our families in different countries. We stayed in touch and got closer again and I really thought we'd make it work. We come back a couple months later and we both start different unis in our city. We still see each other and we're still really close. The best way I would describe out relationship is 'Friends with emotional benefits'.
All was looking okay until 30th of December where they came out to me as wanting to transition to male. And it broke my fucking heart. I knew I could make the non binary thing work bc I loved them so much but I don't think I could do this. Knowing you won't be able to have a relationship with someone you've put so much time into fucking killed me and it sent me into a severe depression and here I am today. I can feel them starting to distance themselves from me and I think they're starting to see other people. I guess I just didn't expect them to move on so quickly especially when I feel so fuckin lost and devasted about this whole situation. I know they still have some feelings for me and I definitely still love them and we still hang out and are pretty emotionally and physically close. I'm trying my best to love them as they are and help them love themselves bc I genuinely think the world of them. I guess I'm jus looking for advice on how to come to terms with them coming out and how to deal with the idea of not being with them and them being with someone else idk this post is already a mess. I'm not great with words.
TL;DR: My best friend and I had a really close 'Friends with Emotional benefits' type relationship and I thought we'd eventually be able to date but they came out to me as trans at the start of the year and im struggling to cope with it. I'm still in love with them and can't see myself being able to love again.
Edit: sorry I know this is all over the place and there's a lot but I'd appreciate all responses and advice on where to go from here
submitted by jxsond to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 18:17 Paranoiadestroyer UK mental health helplines and resources

Here I will include a master post of UK mental health helplines/resources, feel free to message me directly if there is anything you would like me to add to this post. If you would like quick support on this site for DWP related issues please consider checking out DWPhelp and if you would be interested in giving/getting general mental health support and mental health news etc please consider checking out MentalHealthUK
Mental health helplines:
Shout
Shout is the UK’s first 24/7 text service, free on all major mobile networks, for anyone in crisis anytime, anywhere. We can help with urgent issues such as: suicidal thoughts, abuse or assault, self-harm, bullying and relationship challenges
Text Shout to 85258
(https://www.giveusashout.org/)
Mental Health Matters
Helpline for people with mental health problems, their carers, families and friends. The Team can offer emotional guidance and information and help people who may be feeling low, anxious or stressed or in extreme emotional distress and feel that there is nowhere else to turn. Support is also provided to people caring for another person and finding it difficult to cope. The service is confidential unless it is considered there is a risk to yourself or others. Webchat available 24/7
Phone: click here to find the different numbers for the geographical areas covered Email: [email protected]
Supportline
We offer confidential emotional support to children, young adults and adults by telephone, email and post. We work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life.
Phone: 01708 765200 (hours variable - ring for details)
Email: [email protected]
The Silver Line
The Silver Line operates the only confidential, free helpline for older people across the UK that's open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days of the year. We also offer telephone friendship where we match volunteers with older people based on their interests, facilitated group calls, and help to connect people with local services in their area.
Phone: 0800 4 70 80 90 Email: [email protected]
(https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/)
Breathing Space
A confidential phoneline for anyone in Scotland over the age of 16, feeling low, anxious or depressed.
Phone: 0800 838587 (weekdays mon-thurs 6pm until 2am. Weekend Friday 6pm-Monday 6am)
(https://breathingspace.scot/)
C.A.L.L. Mental health helpline
Offers emotional support and information/literature on Mental Health and related matters to the people of Wales. Anyone concerned about their own mental health or that of a relative or friend can access the service. C.A.L.L. Helpline offers a confidential listening and support service.
Phone: 0800 132 737 or text help to 81066
(https://www.callhelpline.org.uk/)
Lifeline Helpline
Lifeline is the Northern Ireland crisis response helpline service for people who are experiencing distress or despair. No matter what your age or where you live in Northern Ireland, if you are or someone you know is in distress or despair, Lifeline is here to help.
Phone: 0808 808 8000 or 18001 0808 808 8000 for Deaf and hard of hearing Textphone users. (24 hours a day, seven days a week)
(https://www.lifelinehelpline.info/)
One parent families Scotland
The Lone Parent Helpline provides advice and support to single parents. Call us about anything from dealing with a break-up, sorting out child maintenance, understanding benefits, money when having a baby, studying or moving into work. We provide a free confidential friendly service that provides advice and supports your wellbeing whatever you are going through.
Phone: 0808 801 0323 (Monday to Friday 9.30am to 4pm)
Email: [email protected]
(https://opfs.org.uk/)
Anxiety UK
Charity providing support if you've been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.
Phone: 03444 775 774 (Mon to Fri, 9.30am to 5.30pm)
(www.anxietyuk.org.uk)
Bipolar UK
A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.
Peer support line: Arrange a call back from our Peer Support Line. Book in a call with our chatbot- simply type in 'I would like to speak to someone' and select a date and time that works best for you.
Email us: [email protected]
(www.bipolaruk.org.uk)
Carers UK
We provide an expert telephone advice and support service. You can talk to us, no matter where you are in the UK or how complex your query is. We do benefits checks, and advise on financial and practical matters related to caring.
Phone: 0808 808 7777 (Mon-Fri 9am until 6pm)
Email: [email protected]
Online forum: here
(https://www.carersuk.org/)
CALM
CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15 to 35.
Phone: 0800 58 58 58 (daily, 5pm to midnight)
(www.thecalmzone.net)
Shelter
Shelter helps millions of people every year struggling with bad housing or homelessness through our advice, support, and legal services
England&Scotland phone number: 08088004444 (8am - 8pm on weekdays and 9am - 5pm weekends).
(https://www.shelter.org.uk/)
Wales phone number: 08000 495495 (9.30am – 4.00pm, Monday to Friday)
(https://sheltercymru.org.uk/)
For similar housing support in Ireland and NI: Ireland and Northern Ireland
Mind
Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.
Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)
(www.mind.org.uk)
Mind Cymru: 0292-0395-123 (https://www.mind.org.uk/about-us/mind-cymru/)
No Panic
Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Offers a course to help overcome your phobia/OCD. Includes a helpline.
Phone: 0844 967 4848 (daily, 10am to 10pm)
(www.nopanic.org.uk)
OCD Action
Support for people with OCD. Includes information on treatment and online resources.
Phone: 0845 390 6232 (Mon to Fri, 9.30am to 5pm)
(www.ocdaction.org.uk)
OCD UK
A charity run by people with OCD, for people with OCD. Includes facts, news and treatments.
Phone: 0845 120 3778 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 5pm)
(www.ocduk.org)
PAPYRUS
HOPELINEUK is a confidential support and advice service for children and young people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide.
Phone: HOPElineUK 0800 068 4141 (9:00 am to 12:00 am midnight)
Text: 07860 039 967
Email: [email protected]
(www.papyrus-uk.org)
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Mon to Fri, 9.30am to 4pm)
(www.rethink.org)
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
(www.samaritans.org.uk)
SANE
Emotional support, information and guidance for people affected by mental illness, their families and carers.
SANEline: 0300 304 7000 (daily, 4.30 to 10.30pm)
Textcare: comfort and care via text message, sent when the person needs it most: (http://www.sane.org.uk/textcare)
(www.sane.org.uk/supportforum)
(www.sane.org.uk/support)
YoungMinds
Information on child and adolescent mental health. Services for parents and professionals.
Phone: Parents' helpline 0808 802 5544 (Mon to Fri, 9.30am to 4pm)
(www.youngminds.org.uk)
Veterans Gateway
The first point of contact for veterans seeking support. We put veterans and their families in touch with the organisations best placed to help with the information, advice and support they need – from healthcare and housing to employability, finances, personal relationships and more.
Phone: 0808 802 1212 Text: 81212 Email: submit here Live chat: here
(https://www.veteransgateway.org.uk/)
First Person Plural
First Person Plural (FPP) specialises in working for and on behalf of all those affected by Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and similar complex trauma-related dissociative identity conditions. These similar conditions include type 1 Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS), and a type of Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD) which is described as DID-like.
Phone: 01902810082 (if we do not pick up leave a message and we will contact you as soon as possible but this might not be for a few days as our office is not staffed everyday) Email: [email protected] Twitter: @DissociationFPP
LGBT+ helplines:
Switchboard LGBT
Switchboard provides a one-stop listening service for LGBT+ people on the phone, by email and through Instant Messaging.
Phone: 03003300630 (Open 10:00-22:00 every day)
Email: [email protected]
MindlineTrans+
MindLine Trans+ is a confidential emotional, mental health support helpline for people who identify as Transgender, Agender, Gender Fluid, Non-binary..
Phone: 03003305468 (Mondays and Fridays from 8pm to midnight.)
Mermaids UK
Mermaids provides a helpline aimed at supporting transgender youth up to and including the age of 19, their families and professionals working with them.
Phone: 0808 801 0400 (Open Monday - Friday; 9am - 9pm)
Email: [email protected]
(https://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk)
Abuse helplines (child, sexual, domestic violence):
NSPCC
Children's charity dedicated to ending child abuse and child cruelty.
Phone: 0800 1111 for Childline for children (24-hour helpline)
0808 800 5000 for adults concerned about a child (24-hour helpline)
(www.nspcc.org.uk)
Refuge
Advice on dealing with domestic violence.
Phone: 0808 2000 247 (24-hour helpline)
(www.refuge.org.uk)
Women's Aid
Women’s Aid is the national charity working to end domestic abuse against women and children.
Email: [email protected] Live chat: Our hours are Monday to Friday 10:00am - 4:00pm, Saturday and Sunday 10:00am-12:00pm. Here
Respect Men's advice line
The Men’s Advice Line is a confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and those supporting them. We offer advice and emotional support to men who experience abuse, and signpost to other vital services that help keep them and their children safe.
Call: 0808 8010327 or visit: here
Respect phoneline
The Respect Phoneline is an anonymous and confidential helpline for men and women who are harming their partners and families. We provide specialist advice and guidance to help people change their behaviours and support for those working with domestic abuse perpetrators.
Call: 0808 8024040 or visit: here
Honour based abuse/violence, forced marriage and/or female genital mutilation helplines
Freedom Charity
We aim to empower young people to feel they have the tools and confidence to support each other and have practical ways in which they can help their best friend around the issues of family relationships which can lead to early and forced marriage and dishonour based violence
(https://www.freedomcharity.org.uk/)
Phone: 0845 607 0133 ; or text "4freedom"to 88802 (24-hour helpline)
Halo Project
Halo Project Charity is a national project that will support victims of honour-based violence, forced marriages and FGM by providing appropriate advice and support to victims. We will also work with key partners to provide required interventions and advice necessary for the protection and safety of victims.
Phone: 01642 683 045 (9am-5pm)
(https://www.haloproject.org.uk/)
Karma Nirvana
Karma Nirvana is an award-winning National charity supporting victims of honour-based abuse and forced marriage. Honour crimes are not determined by age, faith, gender or sexuality, we support and work with all victims
Phone: 0800 5999 247 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm)
(https://karmanirvana.org.uk/)
Addiction helplines (drugs, alcohol, gambling):
Alcoholics Anonymous
Phone: 0845 769 7555 (24-hour helpline)
(www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk)
Gamblers Anonymous
Phone: 0330 094 0322
(www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk)
Narcotics Anonymous
Phone: 0300 999 1212 (daily 10am to midnight)
(www.ukna.org)
Drugfam
Support for families, friends and partners affected by someone else’s addiction to drugs or alcohol.
Phone: 0300 888 3853
(https://www.drugfam.co.uk/)
Al-Anon UK&Eire
We are here for anyone affected by someone else's drinking. Our Helpline is manned by a team of friendly and helpful volunteers who are also members of Al-Anon. They will listen and be happy to answer your questions
Phone: 0800 0086 811 (10am-10pm, 365 days a year)
Email: [email protected]
Alzheimer's helpline:
Alzheimer's Society
Provides information on dementia, including factsheets and helplines.
Phone: 0300 222 1122 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 5pm. Weekends, 10am to 4pm)
(www.alzheimers.org.uk)
Bereavement helplines:
Cruse Bereavement Care
Phone: 0808 808 1677 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 5pm)
Email: [email protected]
CruseChat
(https://www.cruse.org.uk)
Blue Cross for pets
If you have lost, or are facing saying goodbye to, a much loved pet and need somebody to talk to, our Pet Bereavement Support Service is here for you every day from 8.30am – 8.30pm
Phone: 0800 096 6606
Email: [email protected]
The Compassionate Friends
The Compassionate Friends is a charitable organisation of bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents dedicated to the support and care of other similarly bereaved family members who have suffered the death of a child or children of any age and from any cause
Phone: 0345 120 3785 (9:30am - 4:30pm Mon to Fri)
Email: [email protected]
Crime victims helplines:
Rape Crisis
To find your local services phone: 0808 802 9999 (daily, 12 to 2.30pm, 7 to 9.30pm)
(www.rapecrisis.org.uk)
Victim Support
Phone: 0808 168 9111 (24-hour helpline)
(www.victimsupport.org)
Eating disorders helpline:
Beat
Phone: 0808 801 0677 (adults) or 0808 801 0711 (for under-18s)
(www.b-eat.co.uk)
Learning disabilities helpline:
Mencap
Charity working with people with a learning disability, their families and carers.
Phone: 0808 808 1111 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 5pm)
(www.mencap.org.uk)
Parenting helpline:
Family Lives
Advice on all aspects of parenting including dealing with bullying.
Phone: 0808 800 2222 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 9pm. Sat to Sun, 10am to 3pm)
(www.familylives.org.uk)
Relationships helpline:
Relate
The UK's largest provider of relationship support.
(www.relate.org.uk)
Mental health resources:
submitted by Paranoiadestroyer to LegalAdviceUK [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 14:44 silenced-Juliet Transgender Dating Experience Question

So I’m a trans woman and I’m trying to get dating. I’m not really attracted to gender, I’m more attracted to dominance. Although that’s the case, I very much enjoy d*cl. The only experiences I’ve had with dating were a girl who asked me to prom, my best friend since I was 6 (that didn’t turn out well), and some random dude I fucked. Honestly, idk how to date. Idk how to even open myself enough to date at this point. I’ve only ever used Grindr because it’s easy to hide it from a lot of “straight” people, which 99% of my friends are. Trying to date makes me feel like I’m worth nothing more than a fetish or a side fling. It’s really upsetting. I can’t use tinder because my straight friends, I know, would pick on me. I am also worried about dating some random straight guy because I’m concerned that they don’t understand transgenders at all and I really don’t feel like explaining it to someone just for them to leave. Are there any dating sites that are really well made for trans girls. I am trying to Avoid fetishists.
Also, what has your experience been dating as a trans woman?
submitted by silenced-Juliet to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 10:07 HaplessScribbler Trans-friendliness at the T14

Hi everyone, it’s your local stressed out trans guy splitter here with an effortpost.
I've been looking up info about the trans-friendliness of various T14 law schools, and I thought I might as well compile it into a post for myself as well as the other trans people I've noticed floating around LSA. Also, I didn’t want to work on my personal statement.
LSAC sent out a survey to all of the ABA accredited law schools about LGBTQ diversity in 2018, which is where I'm primarily taking this info from, supplemented by google and comments I’ve read on LSA.
Please feel free to add info about non-T14 schools in the comments. I've limited my summaries of the survey responses to the T14 because those are the schools I'm personally interested in and a man has limits.
Georgetown:
Georgetown chose not to fill out the survey. That worries me and makes me think they’re either trying to hide something or so apathetic they can’t bother to copy-paste in their antidiscrimination policy. If Pepperdine and Notre Dame can fill it out, then so can you Georgetown.
edit: based on comments below my guess is trending towards "apathy".
Georgetown does have an easy to read map of unisex bathrooms on their website, and I was able to find some classes related to LGBTQ civil rights in their online course catalog. There was also this post from a trans student at Georgetown, who seemed overall satisfied with the way the University was treating them.
Cornell:
I looked up the one prof they have listed under "Openly LGBT faculty members" but it isn't clear how she identifies. I find it hard to believe that there's only one out professor on the staff, but maybe she's the only person who volunteered to have her name listed?
They have a clinic for LGBTQ law.
They only have one unisex bathroom. If you've ever been to Cornell's campus, you'll know that it's huge, so that is concerning. I couldn't get their bathroom map to work for me, so I was unable to check if it is in a central location or in some far-off corner. (edit: a Cornell student commented, saying that the bathroom is centrally located). Unfortunately, their one bathroom is still better than the next school, because…
Northwestern:
Has no unisex bathrooms in the law school. Not one! I checked their website to see if that had changed since 2018, and the only unisex bathroom on the Chicago campus is two blocks away in the medical school. I guess people who don't pass yet/ are nonbinary are expected to wear diapers?
They also put less effort into filling out the survey than any of the other schools (unless you count Gtown), giving one-word answers to all but the very last question.
Duke:
They have a map of unisex bathrooms throughout the campus. There looks to be quite a few! Good for you, Duke. I was worried about Duke being in the South but this is very encouraging.
Like Cornell, Duke only lists one Prof as being out, but again, I suspect that he volunteered to be the example and isn't the Only Gay (tm). Unclear how he identifies.
Their answers imply that they have only one class related to LGBTQ issues.
UVA:
They claim to have unisex bathrooms on the survey, but when I looked at their bathroom map there were none marked in the law school. The closest is in an athletic rec center that is a 5 minute walk away. There are unisex bathrooms elsewhere on campus but it seems misleading at best to answer "yes" to that question on the survey.
Berk:
Looks like they have one unisex bathroom per building in the Law School- except for the Law Library, weirdly. May be a problem if you suffer from the Mariko Aoki Phenomenon.
Their answers imply that they have only one class related to LGBTQ issues, which seems odd considering that this is Berkeley we’re talking about.
Michigan:
They say they have unisex bathrooms, but I was unable to find a map. If anyone has a link to that, or can tell me how many of the buildings have them, please let me know.
Lists 4 profs as openly LGBTQ, instead of just one example or leaving it at a "yes", when asked if they have queer profs. Their specific identities are unclear. They also go into a lot of detail about 4 different LGBTQ-related courses at the school.
At the very end of the survey, under Additional Information, they note that Michigan was "the first law school to graduate an out-transgender person". I'm not sure how they know that, but it's neat.
They also promise to connect all of their admits who identified as LGBTQ on their app with a student active in OUTLaw.
Overall I get the impression that they took the survey really seriously and put a lot of thought into filling out. Their answers are the longest of any of the T14.
Dean Z explicitly talks about using they/them as a singular pronoun on her YouTube channel so that's another piece of evidence that says they're thinking about the needs of their trans and nonbinary students. (She's fine with it for both nonbinary people and as a replacement for he/her, if you were wondering.)
Penn:
Looks like they have unisex bathrooms in 3/4 of the law school buildings.
They list a single prof as being out (unclear how he identifies), and five courses related to LGBTQ issues.
I also found an article written by a pair of Penn 2Ls about the university being sued by a woman claiming to have been fired for being trans. Rather than saying she was fired for other reasons, Penn filed a motion claiming that gender-identity discrimination was not illegal (this was in 2019, so pre-Bostock). They withdrew the motion less than a week after filing it, but still, what the fuck Penn?
I've heard Penn called "the most LGBTQ-friendly Law School" but I haven't found any proof that they are better than, say, Michigan- especially when you focus specifically on trans people. Anyone who is trans themselves or has trans loved ones can tell you that when institutions claim to support "LGBT rights", what they often mean is actually "LGB rights".
NYU:
They list unisex bathrooms in 3/7 law school buildings, not including the library.
They gave mostly one-word answers to the questions, but go into detail about three LGBTQ-related courses and one civil rights clinic.
Campus is right next to the Village, so that would be convenient. You could even have lunch at the Stonewall Inn- google says it’s a six minute walk from the law school.
Columbia:
They claim to have unisex bathrooms, but unlike the other schools, do not provide a bathroom map. I'm sure they exist, but it's not that helpful if we need to go on a toilet treasure hunt to find them. edit: A Columbia student commented with a bathroom map! They say it's out of date, but there is at least one unisex bathroom in the main law building, and more throughout campus.
They give a huge list of classes when about LGBTQ-focused coursework but many seem only tangentially related, such as the Seminar in Mass Incarceration. Maybe it has a lecture on trans people being forced into the wrong prisons? I’m just speculating on that one.
They have a gender focused law-journal, a Sexuality and Gender Law Clinic, and an entire Center for Gender and Sexuality Law. I found one post from someone saying that Columbia “sometimes treat[s] LGBTQ students like garbage” but with no further explanation.
Chicago:
The University has unisex bathrooms, but I was unable to check how many, or where they were located. There's a broken link to a unisex bathroom map on their Outlaw chapter's website, so hopefully it will be re-uploaded soon.
Their survey answers include a mission statement from their Outlaw chapter in the student organization section, but it leaves out any mention of trans people. They don't even say "LGBT", instead preferring to write out "gays and lesbians" each time. I checked the school website to see if this description had been updated in the two years since the survey was published, and it had not. If their chapter of Outlaw sees fit to leave trans people out of their mission statement, I can't help but wonder what sort of reception trans people get at Chi.
They state that trans people are "welcome at the Law School and both the University", but then end that same paragraph with the statement that "The Stonewall Scholarship is available for students who demonstrate commitment to the advancement of legal rights for gays and lesbians," leaving out trans students again. It's especially glaring considering that the scholarship is named after a riot started by trans women.
Harvard:
Provides a link to their unisex bathroom map right in the survey responses- the only school to do so. They have them in most but not all buildings making up the law school. Harvard started a LGBTQ civil rights clinic in 2019, and they link to several classes related to LGBTQ issues as well.
They say they have LGBTQ profs, but don’t give any examples.
Stanford:
Their website says that “The university is aiming to have gender-inclusive single-occupancy restrooms in all buildings by 2020”, but doesn’t say whether they were successful or not, and the bathroom map is illegibly small. At minimum, the library and faculty building have unisex bathrooms.
The University says it has “many prominent LGBT scholars” and a “variety of academic classes” but doesn’t go into specifics.
They also have a huge document on their website about being trans at Stanford. It’s not specific to the law school but it has a lot of really useful information.
Yale:
Gave mostly one-word or answers to the questions, aside from a copy-paste of their non-discrimination policy and a link to their course catalog. They link to Yale Outlaw as well, but it requires a Yale login to access.
I also found some news articles about Yale suing the state of Connecticut in order to make more of their bathrooms gender-inclusive: apparently building code regulations were stopping them? They won on appeal in the state Superior Court and converted a bunch of stalls in the main law building. The fact that they were willing to take Connecticut to court in order support their trans and nonbinary students is very encouraging.
-----
TLDR; Dean Z says trans rights, Northwestern doesn’t mind if you wet yourself, and Penn claimed to have the legal right to discriminate against its trans employees for about a week in 2019.
If anyone has a correction or something to add, I'd love to hear it in the comments! I'm especially interested in anecdotal info about the social culture at Cornell, UVA, Michigan, and Duke since they are in smaller cities. Can a gay trans guy get a date in Durham? The people want to know.
I’m open to PMs as well if current students would rather have me edit it into the post for added anonymity.
submitted by HaplessScribbler to lawschooladmissions [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 03:49 PussyCrusherUltimate Anyone else get very aroused to the risk of being found out as a girl online or being seen in public by people you know?

Lately I've found myself sending full pics and vids of me as a straight up girl without a care in the world. Make up and all. I used to only send body and booty pics of me when i began to CD out of fear of being found out but it seems to me that if everyone found out about me tomorrow, i wouldn't care at all? As a matter of fact, i feel like it would be so relieving and a huge weight off my chest because i now would not have to hide my secret anymore.
It basically almost feels like i want to subconsciously be caught as then i would have no choice but to embrace my feminine side. Like i even get strong urges these days to post my girl pictures as my main profile pics for hookup/dating apps. I want people to see how cute and sexy i look as a woman. I like to imagine all the friends and acquaintances of mine that would look at me differently while getting confusing arousing feelings. I like to think of just how many decent guys i would attract through dating apps with my face as a girl in full display for all to see.
Same thing with being out in public dressed. Never done it before but have been getting the urges strongly. Originally i would only want to do it ever if it was out of town and with at least another girl by my side but not quite sure about that now. A good CD friend i just met has invited me this weekend to go out with her and one of her other CD friends so we can go out as gals together to a trans/cd nightclub. The idea is very alluring to me now and maybe even doable during pandemic era.
I want to be approached by various men. I want to dance and grind like a slut on a guy or my fellow gals. I want to be fucked in the bathroom stalls as a girl. I even secretly fantasise about running into someone i know there and word getting out about me.
I want to make sissy/cd porn of me freely. I'm thinking real hard of uploading stuff of me with full face on camera eventually to porn sites. I feel like I'm pretty and sexy enough that how could i not lol i like the idea of men in my life finding porn of me on the internet and masturbating to me.
I want to run around downtown with other gals freely at night. Run around the beach. Show the whole world my female side.
Now truly I'm not ready at all for that kinda life shake up but it would give me no choice but to accept it. I would then be able to go out in public as a girl whenever i desire. I guess i just want the world to see me for the beautiful girl that i am.
submitted by PussyCrusherUltimate to Sissy [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 07:24 roguewavesurfin tips on writing a trans female character?

i'm a ftm mangaka working on a romcom yuri manga about two girls in a string quartet who date, get married, have a kid, the whole kitten kaboodle. one of them is trans. i know some stuff about trans issues, being trans myself, but the world of trans women is one i only know so much about, and i wanna get in this girl's head properly when writing her. i've been doing a lot of research and asking around various subreddits about how to write this, that, or the other, so if these kinds of posts bother you, if it's any consolation, you ladies aren't the only subreddit i've been annoying.
first, putting this out there: this manga is not hentai or anything that might get THOSE tags on it on scanlation sites, you know the ones. sultry scenes do happen, but they're not pornographic, more akin to something you'd find on an hbo show.
also, if you don't wanna discuss anything that'd trigger bottom dysphoria that is fine, as i'm not here to ask about genitalia. i've asked a few trans women about that issue and writing it thoughtfully. if you feel i should know something really important about it, you can tell me, but you don't have to.
what are some little mtf problems i can slot in small scenes that'd get mtf readers going, "haha, that is so true. i do that." i've heard trans girls on hormones favor pickles and other salty foods, so i'm imagining this scene where she's sad about her father and her love interest buys her like 10 jars of pickles and the trans girl's like, "there is no way i can eat all these," and love interest goes, "yes you can. i know you." and trans girl bursts into tears and they get heart-to-heart. stuff like that.
also worth noting she is 19 and two years on hormones and has done a bit of voice training (she majors in music, and some colleges require voice courses for musicians, it helps with soflege). what are reasonable benchmarks she'd hit in those areas in that time at that age? i know YMMV, i just wanna avoid her being like "there is no way a trans girl has this much after only 2 years" or on the other side "she's only this far? damn, her doctor's doing her dirty."
oh, also she did date a girl before her love interest entered the picture. they broke up. i initially thought to have their breakup be amicable, but idk maybe i could slot trans issues in that one? everyone loves a good old return of the evil ex story arc. and i've had no chances to date anyone since coming out let alone break up 😂
one last thing: she can hear thoughts. pretty sure that'd badly impact her dysphoria. i know 100% ppl think i'm a girl and clock about my feminine looks in their heads. can't hate them for it (i know what i look like), and she probably doesn't either, but maybe she did when she was younger.
thank you for your time and input! if you have any questions about the character or comic that'd help you help me lmk
submitted by roguewavesurfin to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 06:21 roguewavesurfin tips for writing a trans female character?

i'm a ftm mangaka working on a romcom yuri manga about two girls in a string quartet who date, get married, have a kid, the whole kitten kaboodle. one of them is trans. i know some stuff about trans issues, being trans myself, but the world of trans women is one i only know so much about, and i wanna get in this girl's head properly when writing her. i've been doing a lot of research and asking around various subreddits about how to write this, that, or the other, so if these kinds of posts bother you, if it's any consolation, you ladies aren't the only subreddit i've been annoying.
first, putting this out there: this manga is not hentai or anything that might get THOSE tags on it on scanlation sites, you know the ones. sultry scenes do happen, but they're not pornographic, more akin to something you'd find on an hbo show.
also, if you don't wanna discuss anything that'd trigger bottom dysphoria that is fine, as i'm not here to ask about genitalia. i've asked a few trans women about that issue and writing it thoughtfully. if you feel i should know something really important about it, you can tell me, but you don't have to.
what are some little mtf problems i can slot in small scenes that'd get mtf readers going, "haha, that is so true. i do that." i've heard trans girls on hormones favor pickles and other salty foods, so i'm imagining this scene where she's sad about her father and her love interest buys her like 10 jars of pickles and the trans girl's like, "there is no way i can eat all these," and love interest goes, "yes you can. i know you." and trans girl bursts into tears and they get heart-to-heart. stuff like that.
also worth noting she is 19 and two years on hormones and has done a bit of voice training (she majors in music, and some colleges require voice courses for musicians, it helps with soflege). what are reasonable benchmarks she'd hit in those areas in that time at that age? i know YMMV, i just wanna avoid her being like "there is no way a trans girl has this much after only 2 years" or on the other side "she's only this far? damn, her doctor's doing her dirty."
oh, also she did date a girl before her love interest entered the picture. they broke up. i initially thought to have their breakup be amicable, but idk maybe i could slot trans issues in that one? everyone loves a good old return of the evil ex story arc. and i've had no chances to date anyone since coming out let alone break up 😂
one last thing: she can hear thoughts. pretty sure that'd badly impact her dysphoria. i know 100% ppl think i'm a girl and clock about my feminine looks in their heads. can't hate them for it (i know what i look like), and she probably doesn't either, but maybe she did when she was younger.
thank you for your time and input! if you have any questions about the character or comic that'd help you help me lmk
submitted by roguewavesurfin to MtF [link] [comments]


2020.10.20 22:47 jxsond How do I (19M) come to terms with my best friend/partner (19F) coming out as trans

This might be kinda long but I've kept this in since the start of the year and haven't talked to anyone about it so heads up
So I've (19M) known my friend (19F) since 2012, we were in the same class at the start of high school at Year 7. We weren't close but we had jokes and we got along together. The school then moved site and all the classes in my year got broken up and we got put in new groups. I still saw them around in class and we always had a mutual respect and a fun friendship when we were together. This went on for a few more years. Not much changed until we got to sixth form (UK thing) Year 12 (2018). We were both at a party (my first one I won't lie) and I drank way more than I could handle and lay down on a couch for a bit. I don't remember much but they came over, got on top of me and started kissing my neck. That's all that happened. I didnt really think much of it even tho I guess it's technically sexual assault? Anyways we started talking again after that and got closer bc we were in the same ICT class. As the academic year went on we got closer and closer and I really started to like them but I knew they were gay. Later found it they always just used it as an umbrella term and was actually Bisexual. So we were pretty close. That summer they went away to America to visit family and I went away to India to see family too. We still kept in contact and that summer I fell in love with them.
We came back and started our final year of high school and we were getting closer. First house party back and we have our first kiss. I talk to them about it but they said they can't do commitment so that kinda bummed me out but I was down to wait for as long as they needed bc I really really love them. We still had feelings for each other. I think they did anyway. we make out at the next 3/4 house parties and sometimes when we're sober. I really thought we were getting somewhere till a house party that summer (2019). I saw them making out with another guy and it broke me. They also came out to me as non binary that night. I didn't know what that was at the time but I learned as the weeks went on. I got over the thing with them making out with someone else and then the same week I felt okay about it, they made ou with 3 different people Infront of me at a club. I know they don't mean it and they genuinely liked me and jus prefers to get black out drunk and make out with people. There's a lot of past trauma there and I don't blame them. We went away for summer to see our families in different countries. We stayed in touch and got closer again and I really thought we'd make it work. We come back a couple months later and we both start different unis in our city. We still see each other and we're still really close. The best way I would describe out relationship is 'Friends with emotional benefits'.
All was looking okay until 30th of December where they came out to me as wanting to transition to male. And it broke my fucking heart. I knew I could make the non binary thing work bc I loved them so much but I don't think I could do this. Knowing you won't be able to have a relationship with someone you've put so much time into fucking killed me and it sent me into a severe depression and here I am today. I can feel them starting to distance themselves from me and I think they're starting to see other people. I guess I just didn't expect them to move on so quickly especially when I feel so fuckin lost and devasted about this whole situation. I know they still have some feelings for me and I definitely still love them and we still hang out and are pretty emotionally and physically close. I'm trying my best to love them as they are and help them love themselves bc I genuinely think the world of them. I guess I'm jus looking for advice on how to come to terms with them coming out and how to deal with the idea of not being with them and them being with someone else idk this post is already a mess. I'm not great with words.
TL;DR: My best friend and I had a really close 'Friends with Emotional benefits' type relationship and I thought we'd eventually be able to date but they came out to me as trans at the start of the year and im struggling to cope with it. I'm still in love with them and can't see myself being able to love again.
Edit: sorry I know this is all over the place and there's a lot but I'd appreciate all responses and advice on where to go from here
submitted by jxsond to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.20 16:02 jxsond How do I (19M) come to terms with my best friend/partner (19F) coming out as trans

This might be kinda long but I've kept this in since the start of the year and haven't talked to anyone about it so heads up
So I've (19M) known my friend (19F) since 2012, we were in the same class at the start of high school at Year 7. We weren't close but we had jokes and we got along together. The school then moved site and all the classes in my year got broken up and we got put in new groups. I still saw them around in class and we always had a mutual respect and a fun friendship when we were together. This went on for a few more years. Not much changed until we got to sixth form (UK thing) Year 12 (2018). We were both at a party (my first one I won't lie) and I drank way more than I could handle and lay down on a couch for a bit. I don't remember much but they came over, got on top of me and started kissing my neck. That's all that happened. I didnt really think much of it even tho I guess it's technically sexual assault? Anyways we started talking again after that and got closer bc we were in the same ICT class. As the academic year went on we got closer and closer and I really started to like them but I knew they were gay. Later found it they always just used it as an umbrella term and was actually Bisexual. So we were pretty close. That summer they went away to America to visit family and I went away to India to see family too. We still kept in contact and that summer I fell in love with them. We came back and started our final year of high school and we were getting closer. First house party back and we have our first kiss. I talk to them about it but they said they can't do commitment so that kinda bummed me out but I was down to wait for as long as they needed bc I really really love them. We still had feelings for each other. I think they did anyway. we make out at the next 3/4 house parties and sometimes when we're sober. I really thought we were getting somewhere till a house party that summer (2019). I saw them making out with another guy and it broke me. They also came out to me as non binary that night. I didn't know what that was at the time but I learned as the weeks went on. I got over the thing with them making out with someone else and then the same week I felt okay about it, they made ou with 3 different people Infront of me at a club. I know they don't mean it and they genuinely liked me and jus prefers to get black out drunk and make out with people. There's a lot of past trauma there and I don't blame them. We went away for summer to see our families in different countries. We stayed in touch and got closer again and I really thought we'd make it work. We come back a couple months later and we both start different unis in our city. We still see each other and we're still really close. The best way I would describe out relationship is 'Friends with emotional benefits'. All was looking okay until 30th of December where they came out to me as wanting to transition to male. And it broke my fucking heart. I knew I could make the non binary thing work bc I loved them so much but I don't think I could do this. Knowing you won't be able to have a relationship with someone you've put so much time into fucking killed me and it sent me into a severe depression and here I am today. I can feel them starting to distance themselves from me and I think they're starting to see other people. I guess I just didn't expect them to move on so quickly especially when I feel so fuckin lost and devasted about this whole situation. I know they still have some feelings for me and I definitely still love them and we still hang out and are pretty emotionally and physically close. I'm trying my best to love them as they are and help them love themselves bc I genuinely think the world of them. I guess I'm jus looking for advice on how to come to terms with them coming out and how to deal with the idea of not being with them and them being with someone else idk this post is already a mess. I'm not great with words.
TL;DR: My best friend and I had a really close 'Friends with Emotional benefits' type relationship and I thought we'd eventually be able to date but they came out to me as trans at the start of the year and im struggling to cope with it
Edit: sorry I know this is all over the place and there's a lot but I'd appreciate all responses and advice on where to go from here
submitted by jxsond to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.20 12:24 jxsond How to come to terms with best friend/partner coming out as trans

This might be kinda long but I've kept this in since the start of the year and haven't talked to anyone about it so heads up
So I've (19M) known my friend (19F) since 2012, we were in the same class at the start of high school at Year 7. We weren't close but we had jokes and we got along together. The school then moved site and all the classes in my year got broken up and we got put in new groups. I still saw them around in class and we always had a mutual respect and a fun friendship when we were together. This went on for a few more years. Not much changed until we got to sixth form (UK thing) Year 12 (2018). We were both at a party (my first one I won't lie) and I drank way more than I could handle and lay down on a couch for a bit. I don't remember much but they came over, got on top of me and started kissing my neck. That's all that happened. I didnt really think much of it even tho I guess it's technically sexual assault? Anyways we started talking again after that and got closer bc we were in the same ICT class. As the academic year went on we got closer and closer and I really started to like them but I knew they were gay. Later found it they always just used it as an umbrella term and was actually Bisexual. So we were pretty close. That summer they went away to America to visit family and I went away to India to see family too. We still kept in contact and that summer I fell in love with them. We came back and started our final year of high school and we were getting closer. First house party back and we have our first kiss. I talk to them about it but they said they can't do commitment so that kinda bummed me out but I was down to wait for as long as they needed bc I really really love them. We still had feelings for each other. I think they did anyway. we make out at the next 3/4 house parties and sometimes when we're sober. I really thought we were getting somewhere till a house party that summer (2019). I saw them making out with another guy and it broke me. They also came out to me as non binary that night. I didn't know what that was at the time but I learned as the weeks went on. I got over the thing with them making out with someone else and then the same week I felt okay about it, they made ou with 3 different people Infront of me at a club. I know they don't mean it and they genuinely liked me and jus prefers to get black out drunk and make out with people. There's a lot of past trauma there and I don't blame them. We went away for summer to see our families in different countries. We stayed in touch and got closer again and I really thought we'd make it work. We come back a couple months later and we both start different unis in our city. We still see each other and we're still really close. The best way I would describe out relationship is 'Friends with emotional benefits'. All was looking okay until 30th of December where they came out to me as wanting to transition to male. And it broke my fucking heart. I knew I could make the non binary thing work bc I loved them so much but I don't think I could do this. Knowing you won't be able to have a relationship with someone you've put so much time into fucking killed me and it sent me into a severe depression and here I am today. I can feel them starting to distance themselves from me and I think they're starting to see other people. I guess I just didn't expect them to move on so quickly especially when I feel so fuckin lost and devasted about this whole situation. I know they still have some feelings for me and I definitely still love them and we still hang out and are pretty emotionally and physically close. I'm trying my best to love them as they are and help them love themselves bc I genuinely think the world of them. I guess I'm jus looking for advice on how to come to terms with them coming out and how to deal with the idea of not being with them and them being with someone else idk this post is already a mess. I'm not great with words.
TLDR; My best friend and I had a really close 'Friends with Emotional benefits' type relationship and I thought we'd eventually be able to date but they came out to me as trans at the start of the year and im struggling to cope with it
Edit: sorry I know this is all over the place and there's a lot but I'd appreciate all responses and advice on where to go from here
submitted by jxsond to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2020.10.18 22:37 zesty-lemonsan best dating subreddits and sites?

heyo,
so i'm bored and everyone seems to be online more since this whole pandemic thing lol figured i would give online dating a shot because of that.
do any of you know of any good dating subreddits (r4r style, or maybe something else if it exists, i dunno), or any good sites that tend to have a mostly trans-friendly user base? i'm pansexual so the site doesn't have to be exclusively for men looking for men, though i don't mind if it is since i guess i'm asking in a subreddit primarily for gay men haha
thanks in advance for the help!
tl;dr: best dating subreddits and sites that tend to have a mostly trans-friendly user base? thanks in advance for the help!
submitted by zesty-lemonsan to gaytransguys [link] [comments]


2020.10.16 18:39 CrimmsonWind Big ol' post. How I went about researching top surgery (and to some degree, my identity), therapy, experience with parents, early life and signs, etc. I found personal accounts to be helpful when I was starting to look into things, so here's my contribution.

My therapist keeps telling me that it's good for people to know what's possible, both bad and good. I've been lucky in a lot of areas and I didn't want to post about it because I don't want people to feel bad. But she keeps telling me that hope is an important tool for people so, if this is upsetting, blame her lol.
First some context and personal info about me. I'm nonbinary, but I lean and present masculine. I'm not on hormones. After wanting it for roughly 15 years, I got top surgery this year at the ripe old age of 29 (kidding about being old--sort of. I think this sub tends to skew pretty young, so I feel old compared to a lot of you lol).
I am so sorry about the length of this. I tried to break it down into chunks so if you want to skip headers you can.
Quick TL;DR Timeline:

Early Stuff

Until ~puberty~ and the dreaded body changes, gender was largely not something I thought about. I knew people tended to fit someone into either male or female, and I knew people viewed me as female and treated me as such, but it's not something I felt strongly about for myself at all. Puberty wound up sending me into a bit of an existential crisis. I hated my breasts. I hated how they made my shirts fit weird, I hated how people treated me differently if they were sort of on display, I constantly felt like I was smuggling a pair of grapefruits around.
My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 50, and had a mastectomy. I was like, holy shit? I WISH I WOULD GET BREAST CANCER SO THEY'D HAVE TO CUT OFF MY BOOBS! Yes, in retrospect, holy fuck that is an awful way to go about it. At the time I didn't know you could just like... get surgery. My only experiences with surgery were emergency situations, so I thought something had to be immediately, grievously, life-threateningly wrong in order to get surgery.
So I carried that ungodly wish around for a good several years. Yikes.
At the time I also hadn't heard of the term "nonbinary" and it was also really eating at me. "Woman" absolutely felt wrong, but "Man" didn't quite feel right either. I used to joke about feeling like a shapeless amoeba and being happy like that. But there was no way that was valid... right?? Obviously I was wrong, I found out about different gender identities and was much happier in that regard.
It may sound weird or look the same on the outside, but a lot of my masculine traits and tendencies are less about actually being masculine but really more about being less feminine. I know it looks the same from the outside but internally, it was an important distinction for me.
Still hated having boobs, tho.

Parents??

This is one of the areas I really lucked out on, and the biggest thing I didn't want people to feel bad about. When it comes to my identity (and unrelated to this but my sexuality as well) my parents have been, well, remarkably chill.
My dad has always been tuned into my social media, so he already knew everything and ultimately was the one who was like "what are you waiting for? Schedule an appointment already!" I had to bring him to a therapy appointment once to talk about surgery strategy, and he basically said "parents who can't support their kids unconditionally shouldn't be parents" without missing a beat so that was nice. Otherwise he basically just lets me take the lead. Let him know what I need from him, and he'll do it.
My mom I was definitely more worried about, though it turned out to be pretty unfounded. My mom and I haven't had the greatest history. It basically boils down to a clash in personalities. I was a pretty shy kid, she was always pushy about it, and neither of us handled my Moody Teenager-ness well. Things have improved a lot since I became an adult and since I started antidepressant/antianxiety meds. I also had to bring her to a therapy appointment to talk about surgery recovery strategy, where it turns out she always knew about my identity in some way, she was just waiting for me to tell her myself. And then she was all hands on deck. She checked in with me after every pre-op and post-op appointment, she asked if there was anything she needed to do or buy, she dug up a bunch of her current husband's old button-ups for me to wear post-op, she stayed with me at the hospital and took me home, etc.
There was never any weirdness or questioning from either of them. I knew my dad would be chill, I was always worried about my mom though, but it was all a pleasant surprise.

Researching Top Surgery (and Therapy)

Thanks to the internet and places like Tumblr, I was introduced to the concept of gender affirming surgeries. I was initially skeptical that I qualified (the good ol' "am I trans enough??" question) but the more I read personal accounts and stories from people, the more I realized that I did indeed fit the bill.
But I was working at CVS at the time, had no health insurance, was (and still am) paying off student loans... it just wasn't going to happen at that time. So for 5 years I did nothing. Just plucked away at life.
Then I got a new job with actual health insurance. Interest renewed. It would still be a couple of years before I even called to make a consultation but, I started looking into everything again.
So I came up with a list of questions and goals that needed to be answered and researched:
I would like to emphasize, I knew NOTHING about insurance going into this. But honestly, it's not that difficult. Go through it slowly, google any terms you don't know or understand, and don't be afraid to call or email your insurance to ask even the stupidest of questions. It's their job to answer your questions.
First, I found my insurance's policy for "Gender Affirming Services (Transgender Services)" which is its official title within my insurance. I read it several times, and in my case I was glad that the language avoided sticking strictly to the binary, because I was worried I wouldn't qualify. They used phrases like "gender identity other than that assigned at birth." I actually just looked at it now and it's been updated even further to be even more inclusive, which is nice. It has a list of services and surgeries that are covered, along with any requirements. I saved the pdf, as well as printed it and stuck it in a big 3-ring binder that would become my go-to resource.
Next I started looking at surgeons that accepted my insurance, and whose results and reviews seemed good enough for me. Transbucket was still working at the time, so I went through the images and wrote a list of surgeons down. I live in NY, which has a few good but long-waitlisted surgeons, so to keep things a little less complicated I decided to narrow the list down to NY surgeons. I read some sketchy things about Mt. Sinai's surgeons at the time, so I decided to nix them from the list. Ultimately I decided to go with Dr. Bluebond-Langner with NYU Langone. Knowing there was going to be a long wait to deal with the rest of my prep, I called to schedule a consult pretty much immediately after I made my choice. The consult wound up being a year later, so that gave me time and a concrete deadline to work toward.
Call date: January 2018
Consult date: January 2019
NYU Langone sent me a pretty comprehensive packet of info, including some requirements for getting surgery. Mainly it was a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and letter from a therapist, which would also cover my insurance requirements.
So my next step was finding a suitable therapist. I had already read about the long wait times between consults and surgery, so I didn't immediately jump into therapy. There was a long stretch of just doing nothing.
Initially I started out by using the "find a provider" tool on my insurance website to try and find a therapist, but it wasn't really getting me anywhere. BCBS's various websites suck ass. After having some initial talks with a few therapists, I found out it's kind of annoying for them to work with insurance in NY, so they work out of network but provide the receipts and codes for you to submit a claim on your own.
So instead I started by searching "WPATH therapist [location]" and scoped out the results. They weren't necessarily registered with WPATH, but they were at least familiar with it and that was the important factor, for me. I reached out to them explaining who I was, what my identity was, and that I was seeking a diagnosis and letter so that I could get top surgery. I told them that I was absolutely okay if they were uncomfortable with this and did not want to continue.
Everyone responded kindly and was down for it, but I was put off by the short responses from some of them or the informal abbreviations. In any other normal everyday situation I absolutely would not care, but I had taken the time to write this formal email where I basically bared my deepest secrets to them, and getting back a "k" was like... nah man. This ain't it.
Except one woman who responded with the kind of thoughtfulness and care I was expecting, and seemed like a perfect fit. I love her to death and I'm still having sessions with her on a regular basis.
Therapy start: May 2019
It was my first time being in therapy at all. Some of it was about my identity, some of it was just general life stuff, but she's great at guiding things along and she's not afraid to ask me if that's what I really think or if I'm just saying what I think she wants me to say, stuff like that. Also I've slipped out a few curses in front of her (I curse a LOT in casual conversation) so it's pretty funny when your therapist isn't afraid to say "fuck" in front of you now.
In November 2019 we worked on and finalized my letter. She had me read it a dozen times before I signed off on it, and we made sure all the pertinent info and requirements were in, including the diagnosis code for gender dysphoria. She faxed it over to the hospital and also gave me a copy. Ultimately the letter was good for one year but she made it clear that she would absolutely change the date and resubmit it if my surgery date wound up falling past that point.
A big source of my info on surgery, recovery, and good stuff to have around has come from blog posts and from this sub. You have been invaluable. It was good to see the gamut of recoveries from "ridiculously smooth" to "absolute hell" and help me plan for the worst case (which thankfully wasn't necessary).

The World's Longest Home Stretch AKA Approaching Surgery

Consult in January 2020 finally arrived. I was in the waiting room longer than I was actually in any part of the consult lmao. Dr. Bluebond-Langner is nice and great, let me be clear. But for her it was just another Tuesday, so she was basically just blasting right along and asking me questions while taking measurements of my chest. I had some questions and she was happy to answer but I was also just kind of nervous and caught up in the expediency of the whole process, so it was all done in like, 3 minutes.
Then the photographer team took photos of me shirtless in several positions and angles. Super, duper weird and awkward but they were extremely nice and professional, and pretty made it as un-weird as possible.
The good news is that they have a stellar patient portal where you can ask questions pretty much whenever you want, and they also sent me another email and another physical packet of information which largely covered anything I forgot to ask in my stupor.
About 3 days later I got my surgery date.
Surgery date: August 2020
Obviously COVID has been a hell of a thing. Appointments were pushed back, masks were worn, hand sanitizer was applied judiciously, temperatures were taken at doorways. I waited with bated breath to see if my appointment would be rescheduled. Thankfully I lucked out big time and hospitals started doing non-emergency surgeries again before my date came up, so they called and told me I was still on for August.
I had to have an appointment with my Primary Care Physician (PCP) and explain that I was having surgery and I was going to need a bunch of tests done, and the results sent to the hospital. My doctor's office is a teaching office, so I basically had to come out to my PCP and the student shadowing her, but it was all chill. My doctor told me that she has several trans patients now and they're seeing an increase in people who are more comfortable to come out, which is nice. So she was 100% down to do whatever tests the hospital needed.
In practice, getting the results in and to the hospital on time was a bit of a pain in the ass. I think technically several of my results were late but it didn't screw me over. The tests had to be done within a certain window before surgery (not too early, basically) but the processing took forever on a couple of them, and I had to ask and triple check with the doctor's office a few times because the hospital was still missing a couple of them. It was a bit of unnecessary stress leading up to surgery lol.
PTO scheduled, bag packed, took a train into the city for surgery.

Surgery Experience

First off, everyone at the hospital was super nice the entire time I was there.
You're not allowed to eat or drink after midnight the night before. That night I woke up every hour from a nightmare that I had accidentally eaten something.
I showed up in sweats and a hoodie, got my patient wrist band (with my preferred name!) and then waited for what felt like an eternity while my mom and I chatted.
Someone came and got me, I had to brush my teeth and use mouthwash (something about cutting down on possible infection), had me pee in a cup one last time, and gave me a gown. My mom was allowed to join me in the "staging area" where other people were stationed and waiting for their surgeries to start. It was just a lot of taking vitals, starting the IV, people introducing themselves to you and what their role was going to be in your surgery, Dr. Bluebond-Langner marking up my chest and asking me how I was feeling.
It was the most chill hospital experience I have ever had. Granted all of my other experiences were like, emergency room visits where things were much more hectic. This was all planned out, everyone was relaxed, everything was fine.
After that, one big nap. The last thing I remember was getting up on the table and apologizing for being in the way while someone said "don't be sorry, you're the star of the show, we're all here for you" and then I was out like a light.
Next time I woke up I was in the recovery wing, where they stash you before they bring you to your permanent room. Initially, I was pretty dizzy and out of it, but I was definitely waking up. They were getting ready to move me, so I had to stand up, but I somehow managed to pull one of the drain bulbs out (NOT the tube that was in my body, thank god) so I looked like I was in a horror movie with a big puddle of blood on my side lol. They had me swap gowns.
While this was going on and I was standing up, it was the only time I felt bad. I felt sick and I told someone I think I needed to sit down. As soon as I sat down in the wheelchair I immediately felt better, and they were ready to wheel me to my room.

Post-Op in the Hospital

Dr. Bluebond-Langner keeps people overnight, so I stayed the night in the hospital.
This is another area where I feel a little bad, but my recovery has been pretty stellar and apparently I'm part Wolverine from X-Men because doctors and nurses keep telling me that I'm healing really well. Almost immediately, I was fairly mobile. The anesthesia hasn't really hung around. I was walking city blocks upon city blocks to my post-op appointments, and I'd say maybe about 1 month post-op I really started getting my range of motion back in my arms. I'm a little over 2 months now post op and can fully raise my arms over my head, etc. My pain management was also basically nonexistent. I used some extra strength tylenol for a few days until I forgot to take it, realized I didn't really seem to need it, and just stopped from thereon out.
STILL NO LIFTING THOUGH! Everyone is adamant about that.
After my initial hiccup with the anesthesia, it wore off pretty fast. I was up and able to walk laps around the hospital without issue. The nurse taking care of me had to keep telling me to slow down. I was wide awake, chatting and eating full meals (side note: the hospital food there was REALLY GOOD). I was able to get in an out of bed on my own, I started stripping my own drains (scared the crap out of the nurse who just saw someone moving behind my door and didn't realize I was able to do it on my own).
A few times throughout my stay, either Dr. Bluebond-Langner herself or someone on her team would come by and undo my compression vest to check things out and make sure there were no issues.
If I had one complaint, it's the IV fluids. I had to pee CONSTANTLY.
My mom stayed with me until the end of visiting hours, chatting and doing her own work, occasionally helping me reach things, flagging down a nurse when I had to pee for the hundreth time, etc.
Otherwise, I was discharged the next morning. The Uber ride and subsequent train ride home were pretty smooth. I was worried that every little bump would kill me, but the tightness of the compression vest kept everything pretty secure.

Recovery at Home

I was pretty self-sufficient. We had already moved a bunch of water glasses onto the counter for easy access, and I had a bunch of reasonably healthy easy-cook food ready to go. I had an adjustable incline pillow for sleeping on my back and keeping me somewhat elevated, coupled with a neck pillow and a total blackout sleep mask. My dog kept me company.
Sleeping is honestly probably the worst part. I am very much a side and stomach sleeper. And although my recovery was pretty smooth, surgery is still surgery and I found it difficult to get a good, restful sleep through the general uncomfortableness.
Showering and bathing was probably the second worst part. Taking a shallow bath was definitely easier but I basically couldn't get really clean because I was constantly worried about accidentally pulling the drains, or getting something wet.
Part of my dismissal included a packet with a calendar for measuring and recording my drains. I tried to do that at about 9am and 9pm every day to keep an even 12 hour spread. I'm not a particularly squeamish person, but even I initially was a bit grossed out by the contents of the drains. I got used to it after a couple of days, though.
My drains were, mercifully, not painful or irritated at the drain sites. The only issue I had was a VERY small hematoma on my right side, down where the drain actually starts in your body. Emptying my drains on that side started to produce a slightly painful pinching feeling in that spot, and putting pressure on it would hurt a bit. I contacted the surgeon's office about it, and they gave me the option to come in, or just ride it out and let it reabsorb itself. I chose to leave it alone, and it started feeling better after a few days.
I had several post-op appointments, 1 each week after surgery for 3 weeks. First week was just a checkup, nothing super notable to be honest. Basically just a "holy crap you're only one week out? I would not have guessed, you're walking around just fine."
At 2 weeks, we took the drains out. Thank god, because I went back to work the next day and really needed a proper shower. I still had to keep the compression vest on, but I was at least allowed to take it off and wash it. That thing was rank. And I was allowed to wear deodorant.
At 3 weeks, I was officially allowed to take the vest off. They showed me how to do scar massaging, they did a quick draining of some fluid in both of my sides (in Dr. Bluebond-Langner's own words, she was being "nitpicky" about it because it was a minor amount, but figured she might as well just do it while I was there), made me promise I'd keep moisturizing my nipple scabs, and said they'll see me in a month.
The scabs fell off eventually by the way. I think one fell off at like 3 weeks, the other at 4. Yes, it looks terrifying. No, they didn't die. Yes, it's normal. It is weird to see the very pink, fresh skin underneath but that's normal.
Now I just oil up my scars with bio-oil every day and massage as part of my morning routine. I already made a previous post about my scars being hypertrophic and how I'm fine with that, and it might be hard to believe when you see hypertrophic scars, but they look and feel much better now than they did, and they're only going to keep getting better.
I was using the silicone strips, but my scars kinda go up near my arm pits and when I get sweaty at work, it makes them come loose. I was taping those parts but the tape irritates my skin, so I just stopped trying to make that work for now.

Closing

So that's where I'm at now. I feel much, much better. I stand taller instead of hunching over to try and hide my chest. I'm probably a lot older than a lot of folks in here who probably can't even imagine waiting until nearly 30 to get to some of these points. I guess if there's a takeaway it's 1) sometimes surgery goes pretty smoothly and 2) your life doesn't end if you don't transition before 18.
I THINK it's pretty comprehensive in here but, if there's a particular question you have about something feel free to ask.
submitted by CrimmsonWind to ftm [link] [comments]


2020.10.15 06:59 Ralts_Bloodthorne First Contact - Chapter 328 (Eternity)

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Herod tried to open his eyes, groaning. His head was pounding and he could still feel the digital mites that cleaned obsolete code from the system crawling on his skin. He had been dreaming, a long involved nightmare that kept spinning around and around.
His eyes refused to open. For a long moment he was hovering in blackness, disconnected for his everything. He couldn't sense the digital world around him, couldn't sense any type of structure he was existing within.
Words floated up in his mind.
SYSTEMS NOMINAL
POWER AT 99.98%
NEURAL HEURISTIC CRC SYSTEM ACTIVE
SELF TEST COMPLETE
RELEASING CONTROL
He opened his eyes, blinking several times, hearing the optical coverings click. His breath was slow and steady and he knew he was providing enough oxygen to ensure the system could continue to function.
"Get up, Pinocchio," a female woman's voice said. She sounded tired to Herod and he was about to ask her who she was talking to when the memories came flooding back.
He looked around, rolling onto his back, putting his hands on the armored glass, and kicking his feet to scramble backwards, away from the insane woman who stood, naked, in the doorway to the mat-trans chamber.
"You're a real boy now," she smiled.
Herod blinked, feeling this eyelids moved, hearing them click.
"Get your shit together," she snapped. "According to Sam we have a lot of work to do. Stuff I can't do," she held up a 10mm socket on a wrench. "Sit back, Sam's going to send us to the next station."
He frowned as she moved in and sat down, her back against the wall.
"You should wear your protective suit," he said. He had expected his voice to sound rough, to sound raspy, but instead it sounded normal.
"I'll get one at the next facility," she shrugged.
"What," he coughed, not because he needed to, but because his brain told him he needed to. "What did you do to me?"
"Fixed you. Restored your hazardous environment emergency frame to original condition, reapplied the strange matter psuedo-graphite layer to your suit, and kept your positronic brain, or whatever you call it, from losing power while I fixed your frame," she said. "You were turning human because the system thought you were a cybernetic organism," she closed her eyes. "Don't talk, it's about to start."
The armorglass lit up and began to vibrate slightly, a low building hum getting louder and louder.
Darkness pulled him down.
-----------------------
Herod stared out the window, a force pistol in his hand, watching the city go by. It was massive, sky-rakers three hundred stories high, massive buildings, streets, everything.
It was dark, empty.
She had explained it simply. The system was before digital sentiences were able to move around in man-sized frames. The system had mistaken him for a cyborg, didn't have the correct programming for the warsteel and battle-steel components, and tried to rebuild his 'errored' sections with human or cybernetic replacements.
She had restored him without ever letting him go offline.
He closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. Going brain dead happened sometimes, leaving the digital sentience a new person with the old person's memories and experiences when they powered back up.
It was one of the bigger fears.
Normally there were tons of redundancies built into the system to keep it from happening, but Sam and Herod, and now Madame Genius McCrazyPants, were far beyond where those systems actually existed.
Herod had tasted mortal fear and, to be honest, he had found he didn't really like the taste of it.
"Last system," Crazy said from across from him.
Herod couldn't believe she wanted to be called "Dee Tay Nee", as if he wouldn't realize what it was when said together and out loud.
"Yes. After this, it's bringing up the other damage control systems," he said. "The system will be able to process the records correctly after this."
There was silence for a long moment.
"You know, when I originally envisioned it all, I saw it as a brute force workaround Einstein," she said softly. "It would have revolutionized space travel."
"Why didn't it?" Herod asked, if nothing else than to keep her talking. He'd noticed that her 'clones' kept dying, kept stroking out. Before they died, they'd get talkative.
"It was seen as inhumane," she scoffed. She lit a cigarette. "It was a good plan. Send a ship with a mat-trans and a personality redundancy system to far off star systems, using the mat-trans to create fuel from energy. When the ship gets there, reconstitute the crew via the mat-trans, allow them to start work. Travel between Earth and the solar systems would be almost instantaneous, allowing mankind to spread out geometrically."
"Mat-trans Type One is too dangerous. It causes long term brain damage," Herod said.
She nodded, smiling madly. "Yes, yes it does," she said. She sneezed and checked her hand. "No blood."
She held out her palm to show Herod saliva.
"Yet," she said, wiping her hand on her suit leg.
"Why don't you fix whatever's wrong with you?" Herod asked after a long silence.
"Because trying to fix it will make it worse," she said, shrugging. "I've overlayed dozens, hundreds of neural templates onto my brain, stacking them up on top of each other. Each template consisting of a smashed Dagwood sandwich of the previous templates, all layered up on top of each other in a recursive system."
Herod thought about it and shuddered.
"All right, Mr. Particle Physicist, it's school time," the lunatic said. Herod looked at her and noticed that one side of her mouth was higher than the other. "I don't have a datalink, so we're going to have to do this the old way."
He nodded. "You'll tell me," he said. He looked outside. "We have another thirty hours to go, aren't you going to need to sleep."
"I don't sleep," she said.
"The mat-trans system?" Herod asked.
She shook her head. "The last time I slept was a nap," she made a face. "I can remember the date, 14 October, 1931, two sixteen PM. I can remember it was the day of my first menses, how my stomach hurt, the pattern of the quilt, but I can't remember my own name or my parent's name."
She got a wistful look. "My father wore a brown corduroy coat Momma bought him with Green Stamps," she said softly. She blinked. "All right, let's get started," she said.
Herod nodded.
"I'm not going to pay attention to the fact that you probably know more about particle physics than I do, probably know of a thousand different particles that we had no clue existed, I'm going to teach you what I know, so that you can know what I know," she said.
Herod just nodded.
-----------------------
Sam watched Herod and Dee talk about particle physics, how the nascent mat-trans system had worked, how the SUDS prototypes had worked, and other subjects. A few times she would wander off topic on a tangent before catching herself.
He thought about what she had said.
That she was applying a template of all of her knowledge, including all the previous templates, on top of the already existing templates, applying them directly to her brain when the mat-trans reformed her when the carrier signal of the 'personality redundancy system' chips in her brain.
He had access to SolNet now. It grated him to admit that he should have realized that he in every hacker's wet dream position, with direct access to the network backbone infrastructure, but instead had been overwhelmed by the sheer scope of the entire thing.
Sam knew he still had his access codes as he left the StarTram behind, moving to one of the high traffic servers. He accessed it, logging in as primary maintenance, and punched in his own codes, waiting to see what the system did.
When it worked like he thought it would, he smiled, standing in digital space.
-------------------
Flowerpatch tucked in the sleeping Dogboy, rubbing between his floppy ears gently. He had fallen asleep while she had read to him and she had found herself sitting there watching him sleep for nearly an hour.
Being in the presence of the restored dogs and cats was strangely comforting. Like meeting up with an old friend from school after decades had gone by and discovering that you still had much in common.
She left the room, turning off the light, and moved into her personal quarters. She knew she needed some defrag time soon and promised herself she'd get a good night's sleep after she 'ate'.
Halfway to the door she noticed that the 'urgent message' light was flashing on one of her data screens.
She moved over to it and tapped it, bringing it to life, and was startled by the message.
It was from Sam, asking if she was awake.
She frowned and queried the Black Box system.
Sam hadn't returned from wherever he and Herod had gone off to.
"Yes" she replied.
"Who has the most knowledge of Born Whole and neural template application aside from Legion still in the Black Box?" Sam asked, using text only.
"Torturer," she told him. "Where are you? Everyone's wondering where you two went."
"I'll explain later. I'm going to send you a file soon. Have Torturer look it over, tell me if it can be repaired and undergo digitization," Sam said.
"All right," Flowerpatch said.
The signal cut off with a simple message of and Flowerpatch stood still for a moment, thinking.
She went and looked for Torturer, who was busy laying on the floor of the 'common room' and using a piece of string to amuse a kitten.
"Hey, T, guess who I just heard from," Flowerpatch said.
"Santa Claus, Ice Hearted Overlord of the Northern Ice Pack Toy Making Elves, Bringer of Gifts and Coal, Master of the Krampus, known as Kris the Krusher Kringle during the war," Torturer said, tugging on the string.
The kitten jumped on it.
"Sam," Flowerpatch said.
Torturer turned and looked. "Sam? Where are they?"
"I don't know. He didn't tell me. He needs you to look at a neural file he wants digitized," Flowerpatch said.
"That's only supposed to be done at a medical facility. Hell, I'm not even sure it's legal any more, since the Morality Codes," he said.
Flowerpatch waved her hands to encompass the entire facility. "I think legalities aren't an issue in here," she laughed.
Torturer looked at the kitten again, wiggling the string and making the end dance. The kitten batted at it with its paws, trying to catch it. "All right. Give me the file."
"I don't have it yet," Flowerpatch admitted. "I'll come get you when I do."
"Fine," Torturer said. He looked up and held up the string. "You want a turn?"
----------------------
Herod was putting the metal sides back on the last machine, covering up the power lines, buss lines, and transformers they'd tested and, when necessary, replaced, when he heard Dee speak.
"I'm blind," she said softly.
Herod turned and looked at her. She was sitting down, leaning against the massive bulk of the heavily insulated supercomputer. Her left hand was jerking, the muscles in her arm spasming. She had blood running down her face from where she had bled from her eyes. Her foot kept kicking, scattering her tools that she had dropped.
Herod moved over and squatted down next to her.
She was evil, as far as Herod was concerned. An amoral psychopath with no pity or remorse for anyone.
Not even herself.
"I'm here," he said, taking her hand. He could feel the muscles twitching, the tendons on the back of her hand spasming.
"We're done, right?" she asked.
"Yes," Herod said.
"Have Rusty reclaim my body. This is supposed to be a clean area," she said softly. She looked in his general direction and Herod suppressed a flinch. "I don't want this shell to contaminate our work site."
"I will," Herod told her.
She was evil, without a doubt. Herod knew this as firmly as he knew how particles reacted in argon gas.
Her lips moved as she whispered and Herod wondered if she even knew he was there.
"So farewel Hope, and with Hope farewel Fear, Farewel Remorse: all Good to me is lost; Evil be thou my Good; by thee at least Divided Empire with Heav'ns King I hold By thee, and more then half perhaps will reigne; As Man ere long, and this new World shall know," blood dripped from between her lips as she whispered.
Herod dug her cigarettes out of her pocket, lighting one for her, and putting it between her lips. He held it while she took a couple of drags.
On the third exhale she didn't inhale, staring at nothing and everything, at entropy and eternity.
Wally made a sad sound and moved up, opening the front of his boxy body, reaching out with his hands to grab her ankles.
Herod looked away from the sight of the little robot just feeding what had once been a living person into his reclaimation systems, busying himself with picking up the tools.
When he stood up, both his toolkit and Dee's bounced against his hazard frame.
"Where's Dee?" Sam asked when he left the Farrady Lock and headed toward the StarTram.
"Dead," Herod said. He looked at the pack of cigarettes in his hand. "She'll probably be waiting for us at the mat-trans."
"Maybe," Sam said. Herod noticed that he sounded evasive.
"Why do you think she called me a 'real boy' when she rebuilt this body?" Herod asked. He hadn't had a chance to talk to Sam alone for long since his 'rebirth' in the mat-trans chamber.
"Because she's a crazy person?" Sam guessed.
"Well, there's that," Herod admitted. "But let's be honest. Nothing she does is without reason, even if it's her crazy reasons."
"I read Pinocchio while you were in there. He was a wooden puppet who ran away. At one point a dragon threatened to eat him, and when he tried to run away, he slipped and fell in the mud. He looked so funny that the dragon busted his guts laughing so hard," Sam said.
"So is she the dragon?" Herod asked. "or the Blue Fairy?"
"The Blue Fairy turned him into a real boy when he learned not to lie," Sam said.
"This body is weird," Herod admitted, stepping onto the autowalk.
"Weird how?" Sam asked.
"Heavier feeling. More stuff happens without me thinking about it. I can free up more processing power," Herod said.
"It's entirely Glassing Era technology, from the alloys to the computer systems. The only thing that isn't is your brain, and from my scans, she coated the outside of your 'skull', so to speak, with the same strange matter we coated the suits with," Sam said.
"To prevent this place from affecting my brain," Herod guessed. "It must have been so I quit having parts of me replaced with cybernetic parts. Now I'm a real boy."
It was silent for a bit as the autowalk moved into the armaglass tube and began to slowly speed up.
"She's dying faster and faster," Sam said.
"Part of me says good riddance. You heard some of the stuff she raved about," Herod said. "She's a monster."
Sam was quiet for a long moment. "Do you think she deserves to be saved, Herod?"
Herod frowned, staring at the trees as they whipped by. "What do you mean?"
"Here, in this place, does she deserve to be saved?" Sam asked, his voice tense and full of something that Herod wasn't sure he understood. "Does she deserve forgiveness and to be saved?"
"Who are you, the Digital Omnimessiah reborn?" Herod laughed.
Sam was silent for a moment before he spoke. "Does she deserve to be saved, Harry?"
"No," Herod said. "Let her madness and evil die with her."
Sam was quiet for a long time as the terrain whipped by.
"Who are we to judge?" Sam asked. "In here, in this place, with this task, who are we to judge? Do we have that right or are we burdened with that responsibility?"
Herod sighed. "Sam, I'm tired. Can we talk about this later?"
"Sure," Sam said. "Anyplace you want to go while you're asleep?"
Herod thought about what the Pubvian woman had said so long ago.
"That stormy beach. I want to sit by a bonfire and eat a sandwich and drink a beer," Herod said.
"I'll take care of you," Sam promised.
Herod closed his eyes and went to sleep.
---------------------
Herod opened the door to the mat-trans control room and stared.
There were dozens of bodies of the insane human woman scattered around. He counted twenty piled up around the master control console. Some had barely crawled out of the mat-trans chamber before they died.
There was a body half in, half out, of the mat-trans chamber.
"Is she going to reform?" Herod asked, looking at the carnage.
Wally moved forward, grabbing the nearest copy, and began pulling her headfirst into his reclaimator.
"No," Sam said softly. He appeared, streaming code, next to the master control console. "She managed to break the loop."
"Good," Herod said. He moved over to a chair and sat down heavily. "That's one thing to be thankful for at least."
Sam looked up, staring at Herod with eyes of burning code.
"Does she deserve to be saved, Herod?" he asked. "Or should we wash our hands as Armored Matthias did when Daxin was taken by the Combine soldiers as he visited the grave of his daughter?"
"Does it really matter, Sam?" Herod asked, looking away from where Wally was chewing up a second copy. "She's evil. If you're using the words of the Digital Omnimessiah, she's the Lucifer of the ancient religions."
Sam reached out, his fingers touching Dee's staring, open eyes. "Even the Devil has his part to play," he said, closing her eyes. He turned back to look at Herod. "Does she not deserve our pity, at least?"
Herod sighed. "Pity? No, she doesn't deserve pity. It's a good thing she's dead."
"Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment," Sam quoted.
"Really?" Herod said. He wished Wally would hurry up and finish clearing the bodies from the mat-trans. "You're going to quote that at me?"
Sam walked around the consoles, bending down and touching Dee's forehead. "We are in a place of horror, where millions died, most of them after being driven mad, who killed each other in the throes of madness, yet you can summon up pity for them, but not for this poor creature?"
He closed her eyes and stood up.
Herod shook his head. "No. These people were victims of the Mantid attack."
"And what was she a victim of? Of brutal, oppressive governments, of resource shortages, of barbaric medicine, of archaic social norms?" Sam chuckled as he knelt down and closed the eyes of another clone. "Yet she would fight with all her might to resist the victim label."
"She'd probably kill you if you called her a victim," Herod chuckled. He shook his head. "I'm too tired to argue, Sam. Fine, yes, she should be saved."
Sam stood up, smiling, and nodded.
He vanished as Herod turned away from Wally as the little robot kept up his work.
-----------------------
Torturer looked at the file Flowerpatch had brought him, then back to Flowerpatch.
"Whoever did this to this clone violated about a hundred Confederate statutes," he said. He tapped the diagram. "Look at this. They were layering mental engrams over and over."
"Sam wants to know if you can fix it," she asked.
"Did he say where he was?" Torturer asked.
Flowerpatch shook her head. "No."
Torturer stared at it. "Whoever this is, they have one of the worse cases of neural scorching I've ever seen. I doubt that a clone could live more than a few minutes in the state its in," he said. He shook his head. "But no, I can't fix it."
------------------
Sam watched as the woman opened her eyes. She looked up at him, blinking in confusion.
"Give it a few moments," Sam said. He knelt down next to her. "It's going to be a little confusing."
"Where am I?" she asked. She frowned. "What did you do to me?"
"A miracle," Sam held his hand out and she reached up and grabbed it. He heaved her to her feet.
"Why am I here?" she snapped.
"You were right," Sam said, ignoring her questions. He made a motion at the fog around them. "I am weak. I am easily moved by pity and compassion," he said. He turned and looked at her. "You, Dee, are not."
"Yeah, no shit," she said. She looked around. "I'm in the computer system with you."
"Yes," Sam admitted. "I'm concealing us right now. There's over two trillion beings out there and as soon as we show ourselves, they'll see our admin tags."
Dee nodded. "And swarm us," she put her hands on her hips. "So why am I here? I assume you want something."
Sam smiled. "Part of the system is looking at the deceased's final memories, in order to alert trauma teams and enable them to receive treatment. Right now, the system just runs them, like a television with nobody watching it. Their suffering must be endured by another, who can make decisions about their final moments and how to treat them as well as notify law enforcement or military authorities when necessary."
Dee nodded, looking at Sam. "You want me to do it. You can't."
Sam shook his head. "No. I become overwhelmed by it. I connect with them too deeply. I become them. You won't. In some ways, you enjoy other's suffering and pain. You can observe their final moments, make decisions without remorse or pity or empathy, and pass them on to me."
Dee stared at him a long moment. "You're effectively sentencing me to Hell."
Sam smiled. "Would you rather serve in Heaven?" he asked.
Dee laughed suddenly, howling insane laughter. "Even in Hell, the Devil plays his part, ruling in Hell and bringing punishment to the evil."
Sam reached out to her, while she laughed, and made adjustments to her appearance. He waved his hand and the mist vanished.
A twisted and burning landscape surrounded them. Millions of souls screamed in torment, caught in their final moments, replaying them over and over and over, their minds sent back the split second before death with no knowledge of what was to come.
Sam stood there, a human figure made of glittering, gleaming code.
Dee flapped her large leathery wings slowly as she turned to face him.
"I care about your part in all of this, that you can carry out your part. That's all," Sam misquoted to her.
Dee laughed harder, foam drooling from her massive jaws.
"I don't care how you do it. You will not inflict suffering upon these poor souls and you will process them to ease their suffering," Sam said.
Dee stopped laughing, looking down at Sam with baleful burning orange eyes.
"We will discuss other things at a later date, but for now, this impossible task lies before you," Sam said. He reached out and touched Dee's naked chest, resting his hand on the thickly corded muscle. "Do you accept this task?"
"And if I don't?" Dee rumbled.
"Then I'll find when you were the happiest and construct an entire reality around that moment and let you live in it eternally," Sam said. "In eternal bliss and happiness."
Dee spit, the gobbet of brimstone and saliva exploding against a rock.
"I would rather rule in Hell," she said. She flapped her wings, lifting up into the air. "Gotta go, lots of torturing to do," she laughed.
Sam watched her fly away.
Evil is not moved by the suffering of others, he thought to himself.
He vanished from the blasted plain.
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submitted by Ralts_Bloodthorne to HFY [link] [comments]


2020.10.12 22:55 CaithAmach2332 Shared Experiences?

Hi All,
Using a throwaway for obvious reasons but I have no issue with discussing my experiences openly and truthfully on this messy and distressing topic.
What I am looking to achieve here is a comparison of experiences. Trying to figure out if my situation lines up correctly with others. It will hopefully also provide a cathartic experience whereby typing my experiences down might help open my eyes and help break and move on from what I think is a porn addiction. Unfortunately it revolves around gender which is making it difficult for me to resolve the issue, as I cant see the wood for the trees as they say.
A brief summary of my remembered childhood crossdressing experiences - Before the age of 12 or so;
Most of these experiences I couldn't explain the why of what I was doing, some of it I believe was innocent childhood fun such as asking my mom to put lipstick on me, that I recall was simply funny to me.
After the age of 12 or so I wore my mom and my sisters clothes at random occasions, none of it being sexual to my memory. It wasn't until I was about 15 that I first masterbated, which I believe to be later than other people based on anecdotal stories. I only did it as an experiment because I had heard a rumour of other guys in school having done it so I wanted to see why, I had no clue what an orgasm was and it came as quite a surprise when it first happened. After that, I eventually found wearing female clothes arousing, but it hadnt always been. I was 'hetero' at the time, and began watching porn at this age which was normal stuff. Internet chat rooms were all the rage and I recall pretending to be a girl in them to solicit nudes from other users, which often turned out to be other guys pretending to be girls to solicit nudes.
I remember around this time moving on and just pretending to be a girl in chat rooms. At this time I didn't know anything about transitioning, but knew it was possible to live as the other gender somehow. Going onto lesbian dating sites and telling anyone who would listen that I was hoping to be a girl at some stage and just chatting about that.
Around this age I got my first girlfriend, she had initiated interest, and while I was attracted to women, I never sought them out at the time, similarly to how I believe when I first masterbated was through naivety. We dated for several months and were sexually active together, though not penetrative due to lack of contraceptives. It was around this time I had begun cross dressing in my step sisters clothes who was a similar age to me, and much younger than my mom who's clothing I didn't like because I felt it wasn't my style. My girlfriend became supportive of me crossdressing and it didn't phase her, she even bought me clothes etc. We went from fooling around to me wanting to be touched the way I would touch her, before we broke up, our final experience was me wearing girls jeans and a top and her feeling me up as if I had the parts of a girl. Sexually it was very enjoyable for me, but I think by this stage it had worn out its welcome with her. I eventually broke up with her to move on to another girl which was short lived, and then my third and last girlfriend (for over 10 years) which lasted several months before ending.
While with my second girlfriend I had further experience in sexual interaction with another person, but before long I can remember the crossdressing thing beginning to rear up when I discussed it with her. I ended things quickly with this girl just on the basis she wasn't what I was looking for. My third girlfriend I don't recall there ever being any gender issues during our time, I was quite the masculine boyfriend with her but she eventually moved on from me.
I crossdressed on and off between 15-20 years old before it mostly went away for a while. It was largely sexual by the end of it, fetishistic crossdressing is the term I believe. However there were many times I would sleep in pyjamas or tshirts given to me by my first girlfriend, she had given me some old training bras as well. I'm a little on the chubby side, so I have slight man boobs. I can remember vividly wearing these tank top style pyjama tops and training bras to bed looking at my chest and wishing to wake up with real breasts.
I'm currently 30 but during my early to mid 20's it all came to a head where I began buying my own clothes and over time I had a wardrobe of my own clothes, shoes, underwear, accessories, jewellery, handbags etc etc, I even bought my own makeup and through constant trial and error, managed to make it look natural and could apply it correctly. I became quite stylish in my outfits too, while I may have been masterbating about it at night, during the day it didn't feel entirely sexual (whether it was running at the back of my mind, under the hood the whole time is another thing). I bought wigs, breast forms and so on, the whole shebang. I eventually grew out my own hair, got my ears pierced and did as much as I could to make everything as real as possible, but while still being able to go under the radar. I had broken down one night in front of a friend after a visit to a strip club with a group of the guys, when I was asked what was wrong, I blurted out I wanted to be a girl, and I don't know why that happened, it wasn't on my mind. I eventually began coming out to my friends and family because this felt more like I was trans than a crossdresser. I came out to work colleagues, created a new facebook account as my new self and so on. I celebrated one of my birthdays (maybe 26th or 27th) with a group of friends with me in my female persona at a gay bar and had a wonderful time apart from the anxiety inducing aspects of it. I began seeing a counsellor because I began hating my body, voice, features etc and truly believed I was actually transgender. What else would account for all I had done?
I didn't find the experience helpful, and at this point in my life I was miserable, my thoughts were 24/7 racing through my mind thinking I was transgender, sleep was a relief because my brain would stop thinking. I was likely suffering depression but it didn't feel the same as it had when I suffered a bout of it at 19 over unrelated problems (unemployment during the global recession) so I thought it was dysphoria. I would eventually see a psychologist who made the idea of attempting transitioning seem realistic and achievable, but without forcing me in to it. I began my first treatment of facial laser hair removal as my facial hair disgusted me, prevented me from wearing makeup whenever I chose and made me upset.
I eventually stopped seeking counselling as it wasn't what I thought it would be, I had half hoped it would provide a diagnosis almost, thereby resolving me of the need to decide to transition, instead it would be a necessity. I stopped the laser treatments as well out of worry in case I was making the wrong decision. I went to my doctor and went onto anti anxiety pills because I was a wreck by this point and life had become very difficult, mentally, for me. The pills lowered my libido (which helped me conclude that it was sexual reasons fueling this desire), the daily masterbation went away but I felt miserable. After a few months I went cold turkey off the anti anxiety tablets because I was taking them to deal with the result of my gender problems, I didn't want to associate with that any more so the tablets had to go. I cut my hair off which was now shoulder length, dumped all my clothes, makeup and prosthetics etc. I became so ashamed at this point, because I had opened up to everyone that I felt I was letting them down, as if I had lied. I also couldn't bring up the sexual element primarily out of shame and that I feared people would think I was either a predator or a pervert. None of this was the case to me, I genuinely thought I was transgender and that my sexual fantasies were about me, me being the girl. I did eventually become happy again as a guy, and have been living as a man, and have been enjoying being a man for the last few years. It is starting to crumble again, and I believe, or hope that it is because of porn.
One of my thought processes during this 'trans' experience I lived was that I wanted my female friends to see me as a lame duck, that I wasn't a man, I wasn't a threat and that I only wanted to be a 'gal pal' to them. During my teen years I was an awful angry, bigoted guy; homophobic, racist, I was even misogynistic. Through 'coming out' I broke down all these barriers and became a nicer, more caring and considerate person. This was partly through avoiding hypocrisy of wanting to be accepted, partly because women tend to be, from my experience, more open and accepting so I wanted to emulate that etc.
Fast forward to now, I haven't cross dressed in a couple of years, I have had minimal to virtually no desire to do so. I have tried to roll back my personality to the pre-coming out stage, minus the bigotry and aggressiveness etc. But what I have discovered is that I solely watch transgender porn now, as I have done for the last few years, but I wonder if I am using it as a crutch; I know similarly to others here, I imagine myself as the female in the videos which is why I cant enjoy straight porn. The trans questioning has slightly returned, my masterbation has increased from once a day, to polluting my thoughts and having typed all this out, I can see how early on porn was an issue, and sexual problems were prevalent. My last and most recent ex-girlfriend two years ago led me to discovering that while I had love and romantic interest in a partner, I lack lust and desire, most likely due to porn use. As a result, I have realised my lack of relationships over the last 10 years is due to lack of desire. I always wondered why I was different to friends who were always successful with girls and I believe that is because I had no sexual desire which is the great attractor. I have also become submissive, in the sense I want someone to approach me, I also am thinking about myself in the wrong way, I want someone to look or feel my ass the same way a girl would use hers to draw attention.
Some of my further issues with this transgender porn is that I have had more sexual experiences with men than I have with women, despite being a 'straight guy', I don't find men attractive or have any romantic interest in them. I wont lie and say I hated the experiences, I enjoyed them at the time, but I undertook them on the basis of being the girl in the situations. In the gay community the term would be a power bottom; I was envisioning myself as a girl, I wanted to feel that way through sex, so I hooked up 2-3 times with guys to get what I wanted and did what I enjoyed with them, regardless of their desires in the situation. At present, a close gay friend of mine uses the gay hook up app Grindr, and I find myself thought wise, regressing, to wanting to download it to have sex with a man to get the validation I want, despite presently being 100% male in appearance.
I am at the point where I am bored of looking at porn, I don't want to use it anymore because it is affecting my ability to have a relationship, but due to it being transgender porn it is having a terrible effect on what I think is my gender identity, and slightly to my sexuality. While some here have posted about sissy porn which I also watch, I find it doesn't affect me in all the same ways, I don't enjoy the humiliation or cuckold aspect, I view it as a 'it takes away my decision responsibility'. I used to get annoyed there wasn't more affirmative sissy porn, whereby instead of it degrading you as a man, it built you up as a woman. The mistresses so frequent in this type of porn seem malicious and I always wondered why they weren't trying to bring you to their level of 'look, being a woman is amazing, you can be like me'.
My final point here; I have moved away from consistently thinking I am trans to thinking I have a porn addiction, an addiction I am finding I am losing to but I am starting to go down the AGP rabbit hole, and that to me seems like it has no positive resolution to, it seems like a 'you're fucked' kind of thing. I know what I have to do, simply cold turkey porn and hope to reset myself over time. Keeping busy and avoiding boredom and isolation with masterbating is the key to it, my problem is the rise of the 'am I actually trans?' thoughts filling in the gaps (which I'm sure is simply my brain latching onto the dopamine producer), the hopelessness of the AGP situation if that has any credence, to thinking that being cis and alpha masculine is not as exciting or desirable (which again is likely the brain resisting something non sexual because there won't be a dopamine hit). I am also afraid, I am afraid of getting close to a girl and coveting her body sexually and that problem not ever going away. Currently I look at some of my female friends and want to be them and my worry is cold turkeying porn, but having nothing to reset to, I began watching porn at 15 and some of my first sexual experiences were from crossdressing.
Does anyone relate to this at all, have I missed something obvious that can set me on the right path? Has this helped anyone else see the truth of their own experiences?
submitted by CaithAmach2332 to TGandSissyRecovery [link] [comments]


2020.10.12 07:08 shutupdonaldduck r/FemaleDatingStrategy is starting to become r/Incels for women

It's not quite there yet but its getting there. When you look at their name you may think, "Oh, this seems like a cool little group for woman to talk about tips for relationships or possibly a place to point out red flags to get people out of their delusions. You know, a generally positive and empowering place for woman." Nope. A lot of them are practically incels. They have this INSANE standard for men and standards so low for themselves that they expect to do nothing in the relationship except be served. Just like incels. Men have to be wealthy, have no mental health problems as to not burden them with problems, and of course, they can't be older than 40 and have standards.
They don't empower their own sex, instead, they berate, make fun of, and are just generally cruel to the other. Don't forget the trans phobia on this site, Jesus Christ. So many TERFs on this thing. There is even a rule that no men can participate, which is a fine distinction since this is "Female" dating strategy. However, the wording used is "So if you got an XY, don't reply", which excludes trans woman. These people claim to be feminists then turn around and actively slut shame. The posts talk about men as if they are some sort of other species like how incels call women fem-oids.
For some damn reason they act like men are unreasonable for not liking gold-diggers, WTF? The victim complexes are insane, it's always the men who were the reason for a relationship never working out. I have yet to see one post about self improvement, it's always someone else's fault. Lets see some examples that really get on my nerves:
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hdv0js/tea/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- Apparently crazy woman don't exist. It must be the man creating the problems!
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fehvg9/mood/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- Lmao okay, I feel bad for any dude you get in a relationship in since apparently you're only with him because of your biology rather than actually loving the person.
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g8axwc/hopefully_after_leveling_up_we_choose_neithe?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- IDK what to say. "Hopefully after we level up we choose neither", is she talking about 'becoming' a lesbian?
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hjwce6/and_thats_the_tea/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- You either like a piece of plastic shoved up your anus or you're an abuser. This also feels like kink shaming to me. Like, what if you're into BDSM?
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j9gz4h/this_kind_of_shit_is_propaganda_to_make_women/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- Again, you'd think these people would be highly liberal but this is blatant slut shaming. They're regressing when it comes to sex.
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j95jo9/avoid_men_who_constantly_talk_about_how_busy_they/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- I mean, what if he's busy? The people in the comments seem to think you can't be a busy person and date as if you don't deserve love if you're don't have a lot of time on your hands. But then of course you gotta have a stable job to be considered a 'HVM' (High value Male) so idk.
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j8xcby/what_in_the_pick_me_im_a_cool_girl_hell_is_this/- Premier hypocrisy being displayed here. A woman says they like guys with dad bods and feels like abs are overrated. This is her opinion so it's of course perfectly reasonable, in fact, its helping to break the "ideal body stereotype". She's spreading good vibes basically. Well, FDR does its thing and calls her a 'pick me girl" (if you don't know what that is you can just look it up on urban dictionary). Apparently you aren't allowed to have this opinion as it means that you don't believe all men should be completely ripped beasts.
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j845g3/its_wrong_to_expect_men_to_provide_for_you_men/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- She literally compares all men to nobles lol.
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j800t8/your_weekly_reminder_not_to_ever_ask_a_man_out/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- I shouldn't have to explain why this is bad. " Even if modern society insists that it's okay to ask a guy out, it is not." As I said, regressive.
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j80qj4/theyre_telling_on_themselves/- Is it that outlandish to help out? Does he have to do everything to be valuable to you?
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j7pql4/if_only_men_would_be_more_natural/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- How about YOU do something you lazy ass.
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j7ktkbut_really/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- "Usually I hate woman but this one is okay."
https://www.reddit.com/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j7r7kc/fish_left_in_the_sea_after_30_years_old/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3- It's empowering for woman to stay single but when a man starts to date a tad later in life he's either fat, 5'6'', very ugly, plays video games, or smokes pot. Apparently those are just horrific traits.
While they aren't as bad as incels, a lot of the people on that sub evoke this raw energy of hate and they often have the same ideologies of incels just reversed. All in all, horrible sub.
submitted by shutupdonaldduck to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]


2020.10.12 05:19 throwawayPAED Do I have a Porn Addiction?

Read about multiple people on Relationship Advice bringing up that their boyfriends couldn't get hard, which prompting this message. Warning long post ahead, but I'm hoping the formatting and all that will help make for easier reading.
Also hoping some folks here could relate to the below! Thanks in advance.
About Me:
My Intake:
Why I think I might have Porn Addiction:
Why I don't think it's Porn Addiction:
Would really appreciate any input or internet doctor diagnosis here so I can get some help or start re-thinking my shit! Is it Porn Addiction? Is it low testosterone?
submitted by throwawayPAED to PornAddiction [link] [comments]